Emma, I like your description of my past life, but I am not trying to suppress my more masculine interests. I love watching baseball and playing softball and that will never change. What has been VERY interesting is how those things have been re-interpreted in my new outward identity. I told a genetic girlfriend of mine (lesbian) of my interest in joining a local GLBT softball league and she said "Oh, that is such a lesbian thing to do" which was funny to me because it never occurred to me that it would be viewed that way. Before, that was just a dude thing to do. Same interest, but new lesbian female identity so different interpretation by the world.
The challenge has been in figuring out what is the more masculine side of my female identity and what is just male socialization. I love to talk now, and especially with other women, about my life, my feelings and my future. My male socialization and need to present male prevented me from doing that in the past, but I find it very easy to embrace now (and it is indeed expected of me) as the expression of the female side of me. However, when I sit sometimes I tend to let my legs drift apart if I am not vigilant. I think that may be more male socialization than innate characteristic. I love playing sports and that is probably a more masculine attribute of my female identity. All these things are going on like a little symphony in my head when I go out as the the full-time woman that I am.
Funny thing is that I have been told that I would probably have a hard time passing as a guy even if I wanted to now. That I seem very feminine. The people in my new home have embraced me for who I am and never saw the boy facade, so I think even if I do anything that could be considered masculine, my presentation trumps all and it is just seen as a somewhat masculine action by a female as opposed to "him" reasserting himself. This stuff makes my head dizzy!
Ok, and as a capper to this long-winded response, I have come to one other realization recently. I was never the girly type when I was a child. Had no interest in playing with dolls and loved to rough-house. That bothered me for quite a while and prevented me viewing myself as a transwoman for years. Two things though have given me insight and reassurance here. The first is that my ex-wife (and lots of other women) was also not the type to play with dolls and no one would ever doubt she is a woman. The second is that if I had been born in a female body and acted as I did as a child, my parents would have been worried I would grow up to be a lesbian, which is what I am
. Don't know why the second gives me comfort, but it just does.
