Quote from: EmmaM on February 22, 2011, 11:14:27 AM
Sorry, you caught me at a neurotic time. There are still rare instances where I feel like someone can rip all of this away from me, and I would be left an empty shell just because I don't relate in a specific manner. Working through it with my therapist.

I'm definitely going to have to get that book.

awwww EmmaM  *offers a hug*

Then I thought what if I could date a closeted lesbian or something who still looks pretty but will enjoy my softer side, possibly give me cross dressing tips let me dress up in her clothes :p. lol, it never happened and yeah here I am now almost 23 and have never had a date.

Chantal lol I was just in the bath and it came back I remember going through a similar thought process many moons ago, and the memory it made me feel so alive! 

It's like songs I liked before the words are directly aimed at me speaking to my very being, I keep feeling and realising who I am is so RIGHT 

You're 23 I'm jealous haha

Quote from: KatieD on February 22, 2011, 12:34:15 PM
awwww EmmaM  *offers a hug*

Then I thought what if I could date a closeted lesbian or something who still looks pretty but will enjoy my softer side, possibly give me cross dressing tips let me dress up in her clothes :p. lol, it never happened and yeah here I am now almost 23 and have never had a date.

Chantal lol I was just in the bath and it came back I remember going through a similar thought process many moons ago, and the memory it made me feel so alive!

I did this.  It's not enough. When I was 20 I dated a lesbian for 2 and a half years.  She had only been with girls before and since.  It didn't work out..although I did dress in her clothes and wear nail polish daily she was ultimately attracted to women.  Later on she told me  that I said "if you leave me because I'm not woman enough it'd be the hardest thing I'd ever face," and I guess that guilted he into staying with me longer than she wanted to.   I've been too male for a lesbian and too female for my straight wife..it's tough.

Emma, i found out how sheep were castrated in 9th grade.  I was obsessed about sneaking onto the farm and getting the tools.  I never did it but would sometimes squeeze myself to see if I would be able to take the pain...I couldn't.

I was the oldest of four boys with a very abusive military father in a rural area.   My father called me a sissy all the time and beat me.

I butched up.  Not in a super masculine way..but in kind of a nerdy wanna be way.  I wore sports jerseys and stuff but never watched a game.  Everyone in my school was into football and basketball so I pretended to be really into hockey.  We didn't have a hockey team so no one asked any questions.  I wore Chicago Blackhawks shirts and was thought a couple of the guys on the team were gorgeous.

Yes, your upbringing definitely affects your sellf image, self esteem, and ability to come out and transition.  Plus I grew up pre-Internet and pre-information.  I compartmentalized very strict lines between what girls do and what boys do that are with me today. 

Yesterday I was out to dinner some business people in a little place with single stall bathrooms.  I had to pee badly but the mens room had these kids that were taking forever and messing around.  My dinner companions said "use the womens..it's no big deal..this is Echo Park..anything goes."   I said I'd wait.   I'm sure they thought it was a little strange that I was so resistant to go into the woman's room.   I was full of emotion and just clammed up. 

I wasn't ready to tell them that if I went in there I'd like it and would never come back out.

Quote from: japple on February 22, 2011, 01:37:39 PM
i found out how sheep were castrated in 9th grade.

I remember finding the tools for sale when I was a kid, in the Sears, Roebuck catalog, I think. I stared at the picture, and tried to figure how the thing worked. I'd forgotten that.

Castrati fascinated me. I did not want my voice to change. I remember whispering about the misfortune of voice changes to Greta Zemans, while listening to the children's choir during services, when we were six.

S

Quote from: japple on February 22, 2011, 01:49:30 PM
I was the oldest of four boys with a very abusive military father in a rural area.   My father called me a sissy all the time and beat me.

What is it with parents thinking there's a choice? That anyone can really change themselves in something that fundamental?  My Dad said to me when I was 20 "Don't embarrass the family" I'd had no girlfriends and it's been that way apart from 6 months for the last 16 years.   I've had interest from other women who have been friends with this cute guy but I've been waiting to be asked out   It's not in me to do the asking it's as simple as that, it's not shyness it's my genetics   It makes me feel nice just thinking of being asked out on a date, I suppose in my mid-thirties I could manage to ask a guy out haha

Quote from: japple on February 22, 2011, 01:37:39 PM
I did this.  It's not enough. When I was 20 I dated a lesbian for 2 and a half years.  She had only been with girls before and since.  It didn't work out..although I did dress in her clothes and wear nail polish daily she was ultimately attracted to women.  Later on she told me  that I said "if you leave me because I'm not woman enough it'd be the hardest thing I'd ever face," and I guess that guilted he into staying with me longer than she wanted to.   I've been too male for a lesbian and too female for my straight wife..it's tough.

Japple  I'm thinking maybe you're too hetrosexual woman for lesbians?  That's my thought anyway.  I'm really glad people are sharing things because its helping fit the jigsaw together, thank you everyone

I was the eldest - I have a sister 5 years younger - and we were both adopted.

There was no "onset", as such, for me because I never thought of myself as anything but a normal girl from the beginning. I played with other girls and was totally normal (as a girl). Things didn't get screwy until my behaviour became an embarrassment about the time I started school and started protesting being lumped with the boys. By age 8 I realized I had a physical problem and wasn't "normal" (physically) but that just left me confused. It wasn't until puberty that I realized that my problem wasn't going to go away - the girls were going in one direction, the boys in another, and I was stuck not going anywhere! That's when I became a problem for others because I started squawking about it and wanted to DO something so I could grow up like the other girls. That was the beginning of 10 ugly years because it was the 1960's and there wasn't much that could be done and not many doctors who were willing to do anything.

I guess the events that escalated the conflict were:
- being separated from the other girls (age 5)
- the realization that I had a problem (age 8 )
- an uncooperative puberty (age 13)
- the knowledge I was being "left behind" (13 onwards)

I have 9 years older sister, so it is almost like only child (she also move away after finish high school, I do it the same way)
Our family was little boring and quiet, but not common, there was always everything clean, ready and elegantly decorated (I was always shocked when I visit some of friends how they can live so messy) this come from mom. Father is form family of scientists and dont share much interests with mom. They divorce just after I finish high school and move away.
When I was young I had good relationship with mother, I tell her every evening before I go to sleep what I do that day, teach me how to saw and embroider, later she told me that is not an opportune for boy to do this, just like never permit me to have long polished nails.
With father I we never was so close, but he was a good source of informations how things works (computers, electronics, cars ...), so I come to him when I want to ask for something or at later age mom tell us to do something together.
I was always protected by mom from everything bad what can happen to me.
Mom want help me to socialize (and be a good boy) so I was on many summer/winter camps but I was never happy there and I think it harm me more than help.
So I know something is wrong from youn age, but I have escape to fantasy, dreams and later computer games which allow me to be myself.

i spent my whole childhood aware i was more feminine, but trying to hide it. aged 3-5 i was desperate to do ballet and on more than one occasion wore my mothers leotards XD

i got bullied alot at school for being incredibly emotional for a guy. all through my 19 years ive gotten on better with girls and envied that i couldnt be one of them, wasnt invited to sleepovers ect.

i spent the years 16-19 aware of these facts but in denial. i used the fact i was atracted to women to prove to myself i was straight, not gay, and therefor could ignore these feminine things.

a few months back i was facing suicide in the eyes, and realised i couldnt ignore it any further.

in respect to my upbringing, my father left when i was 2 years old, and by age 5 or so he had stopped visiting, but he kept promising up to this day. he was a very manly guy and i guess i tried to be manly and ignore those girly aspects in the hopes he would approve of me. if a manly man doesnt want to hang out with his son, what chance would a daughter have XD

Quote from: Chantal185 on February 21, 2011, 01:25:02 PM
SO, my question is, at what age did you realize you had to transition and what were you like as a kid

It's funny because I had my first real awakening at age 27. Once I had that awakening, I was able to go back through my past and find lots of little events that happened but the first one I ever remembered was when I was in 4th or 5th grade, I told my best friend (who was a girl) that I wished I was a girl.

Quotedid you have a lot of brothers/ sisters or were you like me an only child, and if you were an only child did you find that your dysphoria grew very intense throughout you adolescence and as you got older?

I had a younger brother and youngest sister. I guess I somehow realized that my parents expected me to be a boy and I went with it.

Quotewere you supper feminine, or more androgynous or become hypermasculin to counteract how you felt inside.

Because my subconscious seemed to protect me growing up, I didn't feel necessarily dysphoric very often growing up...if I did in any way, I always tried to 'toughen up'. This happened 10x more when I got married to a woman.

More info about me and my story on my blog of course: http://jericanation.com

I watched your entire "Autotransograhy" Jerrica and can really relate a lot to what you went through. Your really good at telling your story, and have added so much detail.

I don't know if our upbringing indicates the onset on transsexualism.  If and and when we accept our transsexuality probably has a lot to do with our upbringing.  I don't know what causes the onset on transsexualism.  My story is weirder than most.  From age 1 to 16 I was a man without a doubt in my head.  I wasn't female by any means. Later on I started to have thoughts of crossdressing.  After a period of crossdressing, clothes didn't do it for me anymore.  I needed to have more and became jealous of other girls because they got to be girls.  I sometimes would go through mini depression things over not being a girl.  I also went into little mini depressions over not feeling dysphoric when I was younger because I thought that having a sudden change in what gender I was made me a fraud.  I didn't like it.  I feared therapy and still do to a degree because I am afraid that a therapist will not believe my story or say my thoughts of wanting to be a girl stem from something else and that I am not transsexual.  It is weird, I am mad that I feel I am trans but I am also mad at the idea of being told I am not trans.  That doesn't make any sense at all.  There is no right or wrong about the onset on transsexualism.  It just comes the way it comes.  Everyone is different, especially me.       

Quote from: Safiyah on February 23, 2011, 09:51:38 PM
Japple  I'm thinking maybe you're too hetrosexual woman for lesbians?  That's my thought anyway.  I'm really glad people are sharing things because its helping fit the jigsaw together, thank you everyone

A little. I did try to make her wear makeup and bought her nice clothes all the time. Ultimately it was body..she wasn't oriented to what I am.

1- vague memories of being a child (5 y-o possibly) of putting on my moms make up in her bathroom.
2 - older sister (by two years) absentee father .
3 - never good at sports.
4 - seeing a documentary on TSs when I was 8 or 9..thinking that i would like to do that.
5 - starting experimenting with crossdressing when i was 12 ..started to go to bed wishing i would wake up a girl.
6 - first time out dressed as a girl (and passed for the most part !!!) was when i was 14.
7 - never had any romantic rapport with girls until much later in my twenties . remained a virgin until 26

nature vs. nurture. the old battle

Quote from: Chantal185 on March 05, 2011, 11:30:01 PM
I watched your entire "Autotransograhy" Jerrica and can really relate a lot to what you went through. Your really good at telling your story, and have added so much detail.

Thank you =)