For those of you who have had top surgery did you have doubts about it before hand?  For me I want it so bad but I still have some doubts.  I had doubts about going on T as well but I would not reverse that decision. I think my doubts about surgery are mainly because it's more irreversible than just T. 

I do feel my mom makes a lot of these doubts more strong by being so unsupportive of me. 

I do toss it around in my head now and again. I hate pain, and I fear the scars, the possible complications...

But then I think of having boobs forever, and it just is something that needs to be done.

I didn't exactly doubt what I wanted, but I had some issues because I knew my partner wouldn't like me to have surgery. That was my main hurdle. So I kept thinking that if I kept losing weight, maybe my chest would decrease enough that I could live with it...I knew that wouldn't happen, but I kept telling myself anyway. Mainly I kept thinking, "Maybe just a reduction" when I knew I wanted them gone, gone, gone. And, of course, I was worried about anesthesia, pain, scarring. But I knew I wanted the surgery.

Yeah, I don't really know if I'm doubting what I want but it's I am scared about surgery.  I am scared of my mother's reaction.  I still live with her and if I get the surgery I fear she might kick me out, though she didn't when I started hormones.  I'm just scared of everything mainly. 

Do you have a backup plan if she kicks you out? I fear the pain, the needles, and the recovery but I just make myself think about how incredible it would be to wake up and not have to put a binder on and to be able to wear an A-shirt by itself. That makes the fears seem insignificant to me in comparison. Would she really kick you out for not having moobs anymore? 

She might.  I'm going to see if my sister will ask her if she will or not, I don't talk to her about my transness much.  I already know a friend who will let me live with her till I can get on my feet. 

Andy, best of luck with your mom, however it goes. That's really scary, that's the whole reason I'm not 100% out to everyone, I still technically live with my parents (I spend 2 nights out of a week there and it's my legal address but I hardly "live" there, it's complicated) and I'm worried my dad would flip out and either kick me out permanently or make my life a living hell.

Personally, I'm only scared of two things about surgery: Complications, and effin needles.
My biggest fear is that I'll die, honestly. I'm really, really paranoid about nearly everything so I think of surgery and all I can possibly think of is everything that could imaginably go wrong. Which, admittedly, only makes it harder.

My only fear is also the surgery itself. Im scared of needles and all that stuff, and I'm a huge hypochondriac and I even freak myself out over bruises and stuff. But, like Andrew said, in comparison, that is nothing to me. I literally cant take these things anymore, and the thought of waking up with them gone soooo overcomes any of my other fears.

I know this sounds stupid and I'm sure anyone who has had the surgery and experienced the pain afterwards would scold me for saying this but, seriously if I was offered the surgery right now- under the conditions I'd have no anaesthetic, and feel everything, I'd say yes. I hate them so much, and want them gone right now. Yeah kinda extreme.

To me the idea of several hours of burning agony seem better than the constant embarrassment and disgust I have whilst they are there. So proper surgery with anaesthetic also sounds nice lol. Thinking that even when I'm on T I'll have to put up with them for any length of time is just stupid... So I'll have stubble, I'll look more like a man and sound like one but I'll still have chesticles. Maybe this is a lot to do with the fact my binder doesn't really hide them and they are kinda big. Ugh just thinking about it makes me want to get a knife and do a self op LOL (kidding, I won't).

Quote from: Andy8715 on March 05, 2011, 11:42:54 PM
I think my doubts about surgery are mainly because it's more irreversible than just T. 

technically, surgery is very reversible..

Quote from: DevinJW on March 06, 2011, 02:46:57 AM
I know this sounds stupid and I'm sure anyone who has had the surgery and experienced the pain afterwards would scold me for saying this but, seriously if I was offered the surgery right now- under the conditions I'd have no anaesthetic, and feel everything, I'd say yes. I hate them so much, and want them gone right now. Yeah kinda extreme.

This. I was always in the thoght of "I want this thing of my body fixed. I don't mind if I have to pass through a hell to get it"  and when I already got the surgery, though were some complications (not the surgery itself, but more with the anesthesia and the drip).
Now I can say to you all: don't be scared about surgeries. Of any kind, if you're going under general anesthesia... it's a piece of cake. Like, you just have to dress up the horrible pijamas and lay in a trolley. And then someone tells you "good night pal!" and next you wake up completely fixed. Yes, the post-op is a bit uncomfortable, but not painful having your pain killers at hand.

I'm not sure doubts is the right word for me.

I was more nervous about starting T, because I had to learn how to inject & take responsibility for that. Before I started, I was worried I wouldn't be able to do it - or I'd do it 'wrong.'

Maybe it's different because I'd had surgery before anyway, but I knew I wouldn't have to DO anything. Just show up and someone else takes care of everything.

Not so much doubts, but more like, WTF, am I really gonna lop my boobs off? Seemed kinda bizarre in a way.  I never hated them so much as they were just wrong, my major dysphoria came from down below.  But yeah, it is a major step and i think quite normal to have doubts.  Glad they are gone, don't miss them, can't wait for scars to fade more.


Jay

Quote from: Sean on March 06, 2011, 04:55:30 AM
Maybe it's different because I'd had surgery before anyway, but I knew I wouldn't have to DO anything. Just show up and someone else takes care of everything.

That was wonderful for me...psychotherapy during that time was hard work and often unpleasant, and it went on and on; surgery was great because someone else did all the work and all I had to do was recuperate! And, unlike T changes, surgery happens right away, all at once. Marvelous. It really is kind of a miracle.

I had no doubt in my mind that living as male or female I did not want boobs. [I got top surgery before hormones, and before officially coming out to most people.  Though most people knew I was having the surgery]

I'm going to be honest here and say that the surgery doesn't scare me.  The cost doesn't deter me.  The recovery time is a bit more worrying but not to bad.  I'm been through surgeries and all sorts of medical crap and survived.  However I still have my doubts about getting it done. 

I'm worried about the scarring and the fact that it probably will never look exactly as I want it.  Right now my breasts are pretty small.  I can wear a binder that isn't to tight and actually it's pretty comfortable.  It gives me a flat looking appearance even in close fitting shirts.  Wearing it for the rest of my life?  Well that's not the ideal obviously but when is life ever ideal.

Then I wonder, why don't I want it more?  With everyone else it seems to be top priority.  Sure sometimes I want them to go away but other times they are not so bad.  It's strange.  Sometimes I think I could go for the Peri just to reduce a bit.  However I don't know if they are small enough to qualify.  I really should talk to a surgeon about this but I we can't even consider it until next year. 

Now the Metoidioplasty that is different.  If I had $6,000 dollars that is where it would go.  I absolutely want that even if I only get the penis of a toddler from it.  Some testicular implants will give me a nice fullness in my pants.  Not to mention that's what you need to get the gender changed on the birth certificate. 

I dunno.  I've been thinking a lot about it.  You have to do what is best for you.   
     

I think I know what you mean. Everytime I am about to have surgery I find myself thinking that I don't need it and can live without surgery but that's just the nervous talk. I wasn't that afraid of top surgery though, because well out of all my surgeries this was by far the most "simple" with the easiest recovery time. That being said there are lots of scary surgeries out there that are life threatening. This one is more like a blink and then it's over so I wouldn't worry too much.

I haven't had surgery yet, but I'm booked my appointment and gotten my flights/hotel, etc.  So I'm pretty much set in it now.

But the other day, I witnessed a surgery as part of nursing clinicals.  It was only a pacemaker battery change, but it grossed me out so bad that I had to leave the room.  I had been in the OR before, but it was horrid the second time around.  It made me really question if I was doing the right thing.  Not that I wasn't trans, but was I doing the right thing in cutting up my chest. 

It didn't take me long to realize that I wouldn't actually be participating in the surgery, or even awake for it, so I wouldn't have to look at/smell it during the procedure.  I'm still a little nervous about the appearance of my chest not being what I want, but it's okay.  I just want a flat chat and if it looks a little off, that's alright with me.