I could get so far with my birth gender.

I'm "attractive" to most people. <not allowed>. If I'm simply not binding, but wearing say a tshirt and a buttondown with jeans, I'm viewd as just a skater girl, and could easily have guys all over me. -_-

if I hadn't come out, i could easily become known and liked, probably more so with the guys tbh just cause of how i am.

ive been binding over a year now, and i still have *lovely* tits that still don't want to go flat.
I've got huge hips still
i've got a girly voice even with forcing it lower
im still seen as a girl, despite having come out as kyle to everyone but my parents.

i'm happier as a boy, yes.
but i could've gone further as a girl.

I'm worried i'm throwing out what should've been an advantage.

Just..
Gr.

I'm set up for so much crap for the next 4+ years.

Go with what you makes you happy, not what makes other people happy. 

I feel the same way man. I haven't come out to as many people, so I still have some wiggle room as far as that's concerned. I'm really having trouble figuring out who I am though. I definitely understand that my life could be so much easier if I stayed a girl, albeit a very butch/tomboyish one. But everyone says that you'll come to a point where you must put your happiness ahead of anyone else's, and that's the point where you will either go forth with transitioning or not. Maybeyou haven't reached that point yet. Don't rush anything if you still aren't sure. Wish I could help you out more, but I'm in the same spot you are. Good luck mate!

That was one of the big things that kept me from transitioning for two decades. I was an extremely attractive woman, one who got constant male attention and I was even hired as a professional model.

Honestly, this only made me feel more and more miserable, because I was being viewed and lauded for something I didn't want to be. Eventually I pushed away relationships and friends, became a hermit, and purposely put on 100 lbs so I'd stop being conventionally attractive. I spent 10 years in this condition, just hoping I'd die.

I'm not saying you should transition because this is a personal decision and one only you can make; but this is how it happened for me.

I have some similar feelings, not so much of "I could go so far as a girl," but more a lot of wondering what I might give up in transitioning that I actually like.  I keep reading that going on T ratchets down emotion, and I don't think I want that.  I feel things intensely and I _like_ that about myself.  I don't want to end up some flatline zombie in comparison.  So I still haven't decided about HRT because I'm still looking at what I could lose as well as what I would gain, and I can empathize to some extent with your struggle.  Only advice I can offer is to sit with the uncertainty as long as you need to - these are big, permanent or semi-permanent decisions we're grappling with, and that warrants time and reflection.  :/

Honestly, I think you could probably go farther as a boy, if only because you'd be happier and confidant.
I had a LOT of people fawn over me in highschool because of my massive chest, and while I was always flattered that someone took attention in me, I always hated them and felt like they were so alien to me.

Obviously, weigh your options long and hard before you do anything, but if you feel in your gut that you're not where you're supposed to be, you should do what you can to alleviate that wrongness. At least, that's my opinion.

No you are not throwing something away.

Instead you are gaining yourself. What is life's priviledges if you are not yourself to enjoy it.

You can be whoever you want to be, even without a transition. It's still possible to have a happy life, to find someone to be with who accepts you for who you are and not be concerned about whether there's an "F" or an "M" on your birth certificate.

Since I'm someone who has been there, done that, I'll tell you what the advantages and disadvantages I've found are.

Advantages
No drama - family, friends, workplace, etc - and really, you can still "come out" to people and tell them who you really are, but if you're not going through a transition there's a hell of a lot less drama about it.

There's also the prejudice factor you can usually avoid - there's plenty of people who can not hang with people even being gay let alone being trans. Only people you choose to know that about you can be in on that one. The rest of the world never needs to know.

Legal stuff - so much easier to just not have to deal with IDs and whatnot. Although, you still could change your name if you wanted ... people do that kind of thing all the time. Also, if you happen to be gay/bi, you can legally get married to another dude and no one even bats an eyelash. heh.

You can still dress however you want - go ahead, buy men's clothes and wear them. Plenty of people don't even pay attention really to that sort of thing. Unless you're hanging out with a bunch of female fashionistas you really got nothing to worry about. Hell even women's clothing can get a lot like men's ("boyfriend" shirts and jeans anyone?). You can even bind and pack if that makes you feel better.

Plenty of times gender doesn't come up at all - especially if you go ambiguous, people will often not say he/she if they don't really know. If you are referred to as female, that's just someone else's outside perception of you. If you're cozy with who you are inside, it really doesn't matter if people think you're a women or what. Hell, last time I went to the DMV to get a new picture on my license no one referred to be as "she" the whole time I was in there. Really the only time I get an occasional she/her is in a retail type environment.

Disadvantages

You'll probably never be able to grow a beard.

You're never going to have a perfect, functioning penis (even if you got surgery - until they can grow those things in labs and make them bio-compatible, trans guys are screwed and not in a fun feel good way!)

A lot of society will not see you as male (unless of course you go ambiguous and then you can have some fun confusing some people).

If you're straight, you won't be able to marry the girl of your dreams very easily.

There will always be situations where you'll have to "fall back" on the female identity. But as I said above, if you're cozy and confident with who you really are, you can consider this a simple acting job.

If you have serious dysphoria, you'll probably at the very least need therapy or to find some way to deal with it. Sometimes you can find silly small things like wearing men's underwear, binding, packing, etc that help with it and make you feel more comfortable.


So anyway, yeah, I'm a bit different from almost everyone else here and I don't really advocate for one thing or the other, I'm just here to share my own personal situation and story and act as an example that an equilibrium can in fact be obtained without much fuss really (too bad it took me so many years to figure that out on my own!)

Quote from: EliNewGuy on March 07, 2011, 08:59:24 PMI keep reading that going on T ratchets down emotion, and I don't think I want that.  I feel things intensely and I _like_ that about myself.  I don't want to end up some flatline zombie in comparison. 

FYI, I haven't lost any emotional depth--in fact, I think I've gained a lot because it's easier for me to relate to other people now that I'm happier myself. And since I was shut down for a long time, I have way more emotional depth than I had for years.

For a little while after I started T, I seemed to lose the ability to cry, no matter how miserable I felt. I'm pretty sure the cause was testosterone. But I didn't like that about myself. Just before transition, I started letting myself cry--or maybe I just couldn't hold stuff in anymore--and having it shut down again was pretty agonizing. The pressure builds and builds, with no way to release it. So I retaught myself to cry by getting in touch with things that make me sad.

I also went through a period during which I was fairly aggressive and antsy and competitive. Not sure if it was T. I think most of it was. I worked through it. I'm a little more aggressive than I used to be, but I can control it. And I'm more assertive, which is wonderful. That could be from transition, period, not necessarily the T.

Now I feel as if I have the best of both worlds. I feel emotions. I have more range and honesty than I've had for a large part of my life. But I have more control over my emotions, how I display them, if I display them. And when I'm in private and I need to cry, I can do it.

Back on topic...Insanity, we all have to weigh our priorities and hopes and desires. Sounds like you're in that zone right now.  You might be able to find some sort of happy medium and go on as you are for a good long time, perhaps for the rest of your life. But when you say "going far," are you focusing on popularity? Being liked? Being wanted sexually? Being in a long-term relationship? External validation? Are you uncomfortable being seen as a girl? If so, how uncomfortable, and can you do something about it without transitioning? As Inside says, you might be able to find a partner who accepts you for who you are, as you are now.

Lots of questions. Sorry. I hope you figure it out fairly painlessly. Being in that limbo stage is not fun.

Man, im going thru the same thing sometimes i wonder if i am making a mistake as a girl my whole family supported me, i was in the army, and guys loved me. now i still get attention from guys if not more, but less from girls. maybe its because i dont know hw to talk to women and bring it up that ima FTM. but nw i found a girl so its all good. sometimes i miss being a girl. i coulda gone alot farther but now i think ima far as a guy to. Ive never had big boobs though in fact since T my boobs are an A now and if i lay down it looks like i dont have any. as far as my voice i had a high girly voice now i just sound like a gay guy but i still sound like a girl and ill be 10 months on t next week.

I was "attractive" as a girl too. Far less photogenic (something about T just makes me glow) but attractive enough that I had guys all over me. Which was nice. For a while. Then it got old, having people attracted to everything I hated about myself, realizing that they didn't actually like what I liked about myself. But presenting as my birth gender let me have some experiences I'd never have had otherwise - I got to serve in the military, get married, I got to experience being pregnant and know firsthand how incredibly wrong it was for me.

If you're through most of puberty already, it doesn't hurt to wait, to enjoy the attention, to get it out of your system (if you can), to decide if transition is really what you want. If you're worried about losing something by transitioning, then wait. Transition will be there. We're not MTF - once we have boobs, there's very little that happens to us that's not reversible.

(Although I suggest trying to avoid getting pregnant, unless you're dead certain you actually want a biological child and are ready for one. Good advice for anyone, really, but for FTMs in particular.)

I do want to soothe the doubts of one poster. Regarding emotional depth on T: It's still there. It just hides a little under the surface - it's not always spilling out when you don't want it. For me, it's a godsend - my emotions make sense to me now. I'm the same person, but now I know who I am, if that makes any sense.

I still can't cry. Which is fine with me. I was one of those people who simply couldn't stop myself from crying - I'd feel any sort of strong emotion, and my eyes would start...leaking. Uncontrollably. It was terrible. I haven't cried in 6 months, and I don't miss it, not one tiny bit. It's not that I don't get sad, that I don't feel pain when I see someone hurt, that I don't have frustration and anxiety. I still feel all those things, but they're not written in teary streaks all over my face.

Funny thing is, I know I'm still attractive to alot of people right now. In fact, I've been told so by straight, bi and gay people.
Some gay men also thought it was ridiculous amazing that I have hips.

Quote from: M.Grimm on March 07, 2011, 06:45:48 PM
That was one of the big things that kept me from transitioning for two decades. I was an extremely attractive woman, one who got constant male attention and I was even hired as a professional model.

Honestly, this only made me feel more and more miserable, because I was being viewed and lauded for something I didn't want to be. Eventually I pushed away relationships and friends, became a hermit, and purposely put on 100 lbs so I'd stop being conventionally attractive. I spent 10 years in this condition, just hoping I'd die.

I've had the direct opposite experience. I've never been attractive enough to get anything out of life as a female, and I never could have the model looks even if I wanted them. It's truly sick that women are only valued based on what they look like. I'm anxious to get out from under the weight of not fitting into the mold for women in society.