I have no idea where to begin, so here it goes... (Hopefully this is the correct forum)

I have had gender issues that began around 10 or so and am now 27.  I put off transition for a number of reasons and many times my determination to transition was compremised due to social pressures and family.  The intensity would come and go, or I would find a new relationship to dump all of my energy into to offset the feeling of being born as the wrong gender physically.  I also would question how I felt based on other experiences I have read on internet.  For example, I didn't remember feeling this way so much as a child, but I was without a question unhappy.  Also, women's clothes don't really appeal to me as much as others it seems.  I knew that each person is different, and that I shouldn't base my life's path on other people's experiences, but it seemed to be my only frame of reference at the time. 

My body isn't exactly feminine either due to the effect that testosterone has had on it.  I have masculine facial features as well, but I feel that the impact can be minimized through FSS.  It is the cost that really kicks me in the ass  I have come to terms with the fact that I am very tall (6ft 2in) and have somewhat large hand and feet (mens 10.5) so that really isn't an issue.

It seems like such a long road ahead.  I have my first appointment with a therapist who specializes in this area.  I have been looking at hair removal options as well.  Hopefully, the therapist will recommend HRT when the time comes.  I really have no idea why I posted this message.  I just felt like I had to maybe to voice my concerns.  If anyone wants to see a photo (dressed as a male) then I would be happy to show it and maybe that will restore my confidence.  Regardless of the outcome, I am going through with this, becuase not doing so will put me in a far worse position.

Thank you for listening,

Charlotte   

Dear Charlotte,

The first and best advice I would give you is to not concentrate so much on the end result. If you try to think about every little step that you have to take to get to where you need to be you will become overwhelmed. Take it one small step at a time.

The second piece of advice I would give you is this. Write down your top three concerns on a piece of paper and then just throw them out the window - because by the time you get there they will be the last thing on your mind. The top things I worried about, passing, passing for work and passing for dating all turned out to be non-issues. The things I never worried about, ie-losing my family, ended up being the worst things.

Thirdly, I started HRT at 25 and shrunk 4 inches in 10 months.

Vaya con dios, spacekat. It is really not as bad as you fear.
Bri-lala

Thank you so much Brianna!  What you said really does help.   I am very much trying to focus on the now and not the end result.  I am sure I will look back on this as a "What was I thinking?" time in my life.  Hindsight is 20/20 

Charlotte

Quote from: Brianna on January 23, 2007, 02:40:24 PM
Write down your top three concerns on a piece of paper and then just throw them out the window - because by the time you get there they will be the last thing on your mind.

LOL, ain't it the truth?

Hi Charlotte, and welcome to Susan's!

Hey, for what it's worth, I'm also 6'2". I have a couple dozen posts from many months ago about "I can't do this! I'm too tall!"

Yea, uh huh. THAT didn't stop me for long. Times and priorities change. I don't care if I'm 7'6", I'd STILL have to transition.

Consider giving HRT a chance do work it's magic before scheduling FFS. I was planning on FFS myself, figuring there is NO way I'd ever pass. I couldn't figure out why all the women in my support group would laugh whenever I said that (they're all three+ years into transitioning). It took 4-5 months, but I finally see it happening... the facial changes. It's NOT subtle. I can't imagine where I'll be in a couple more months, let alone another year or two. I also saw the old "guy" driver's license of the one girl, and... there is just no WAY they're the same person (pre and post HRT). And heck... you're young. I'm 42, and this girl us around 46.

Keep us updated on how the therapist appointment goes, K?

Kate

I will as I am very excited to be going to therapy.  It feels like I am actually doing something to improve my life in a MAJOR way   It's funny, but I noticed a sense of empowerment as opposed to drifting through life.

Charlotte 

Quote from: charlotteNH on January 23, 2007, 07:56:33 PM
but I noticed a sense of empowerment as opposed to drifting through life.

You got it hon. And it just keeps getting better from here on out.

Just "hold on loosely," as they say

Kate

Quote from: charlotteNH on January 23, 2007, 01:03:43 PM
I have no idea where to begin, so here it goes... (Hopefully this is the correct forum)

I have had gender issues that began around 10 or so and am now 27.  I put off transition for a number of reasons and many times my determination to transition was compremised due to social pressures and family.  The intensity would come and go, or I would find a new relationship to dump all of my energy into to offset the feeling of being born as the wrong gender physically.  I also would question how I felt based on other experiences I have read on internet.  For example, I didn't remember feeling this way so much as a child, but I was without a question unhappy.  Also, women's clothes don't really appeal to me as much as others it seems.  I knew that each person is different, and that I shouldn't base my life's path on other people's experiences, but it seemed to be my only frame of reference at the time. 

My body isn't exactly feminine either due to the effect that testosterone has had on it.  I have masculine facial features as well, but I feel that the impact can be minimized through FSS.  It is the cost that really kicks me in the ass  I have come to terms with the fact that I am very tall (6ft 2in) and have somewhat large hand and feet (mens 10.5) so that really isn't an issue.

It seems like such a long road ahead.  I have my first appointment with a therapist who specializes in this area.  I have been looking at hair removal options as well.  Hopefully, the therapist will recommend HRT when the time comes.  I really have no idea why I posted this message.  I just felt like I had to maybe to voice my concerns.  If anyone wants to see a photo (dressed as a male) then I would be happy to show it and maybe that will restore my confidence.  Regardless of the outcome, I am going through with this, becuase not doing so will put me in a far worse position.

Thank you for listening,

Charlotte   

I'm very similiar I suppose. While I was young, gonna say 13 or 14, I had an strong desire for womans clothing, wanted breasts, and like you, was quite unhappy with my life.  And once again my desires seem to come and go, especially when I was in a new relationship, I would dump everything I have into it, hoping my "desires" were just a temporary lapse in my life. OF course, they always come back stronger than ever.

Also, regarding body type. I'm 6'1", maybe 6'2", large hands and feet(12.5) and feel like a Yeti, or Grizzly due to my size. Of course, my family's bloodline has alot of fairly large people, woman and men alike, so its not a huge issue, but the feet are slightly too big in my opinion.

Yea..the road ahead for you, myself, and others like us, is indeed long, but I feel the end result is worth it, finally feeling "whole and free", gonna be a great day. I'm in the initial stages, trying to get the courage to come out to some of my closer friends and my dad(my dad has always supported me, but hes a preacher, yet I feel I can talk to him about anything), my friends, we have always accepted each other's uniqueness, I just hope when I make them aware, that they wont abandon me during the time their support would be crucial. I've been feeling alot of anxiety lately, and I feel extremely lost, so I am looking for a decent therapist(preferably one that specializes in Gender issues) close to where I live, but most likely, Macon or ATL are gonna be the closest, which, I'm looking at 2 1/2, or 4  hour drive, accordingly. Since I've registered here on Susans, I have felt slightly more confidence, and more energy, knowing my process has begun(Very Early stages..very, very, early stages ) But this anxiety and confusion I'm feeling has to go.

I've also been looking heavily into Lowe's policies regarding transexuals, and according to the corporate policy, transexual discrimination is covered on the Civil Acts(regarding Sexual Harassment and whatnot), of course, whether all the stores are supportive is a highly different story. I love working at Lowe's, and feel it could be my lifelong career, but with all positions(except HR) being in steady contact with customers, I'm not sure how it will work, but oh well. Suppose only time can tell.

 I guess the only thing I would like to say is that try and not to allow your size and appearence to keep you from doing what you feel is right.  I am also very tall 6'4 and although I have rather small hads and feet I do not have a very feminine face.  When i was younger I ws much thinner (I was able to wear a size 8--and no I am not telling what I am now but it definitly isn't an , but I allowed my fears, family and society to convince me that there ws something wrong with me and so i went into denial/hiding.    Which is now one of my bigggest regrets not doing something to help myself back then and I could ahve enjoyed my life as who i ws really meant to be.  ow I am twice your age and wondder if it is even worth transitioning after all these years and with all the other baggage in my life now-but I don't think i can do anyhting else--I need to be me! so to all of you who are young and worried about what might be-I say try and do what is right for you because as the Ghost of christmas present says in my favorite rendition os "Scrooge"  "There is short and then you aren't there any more"   


Mary

I feel like posting this topic has definitely addressed my concerns on some level.  Just setting the "wheels in motion" has made me much happier and it really does feel like I can handle life's stresses much easier recently. I can't wait for therapy tomorrow!  I have never felt this level of motivation at any other time in my life.  Thank you everyone!  You have all made me smile knowing that some of my fears are unfounded.  It seems I will be a permanent fixture on these boards from now on and look forward to getting to know everyone 

Charlotte

Quote from: charlotteNH on January 24, 2007, 02:46:13 PM
It seems I will be a permanent fixture on these boards from now on and look forward to getting to know everyone 

Come by Susan's chatside sometime! It, in my opinion, is the coolest and most fun part of the site. We have some great people there!

Hope to see you!

Bri-lala

Hi charlotte, i'm new here to haven't posted an intorduction yet, but I will.

Anyway, I was 19 when I started transition, I left home, my family my freinds everything. I was even homeless for a breif time, but thats another story. But I really did'nt have anything, no money, no job, nothing, and all I was thinking about was how much HRT was, electrolysis, how much SRS was, how much FFS was, and the fact that I still had to live somewhere and eat. I felt really overwhelemed to and fo about the first 6 months I was on my own, I could'nt do much of anything because of this despair. But I finally found a good therpist at the county center that worked on a sliding scale, I got hooked up with a support group, and from there everything just started brightening up. Now I'm post SRS, and Post FFS and have been living fulltime for about 6 years now.

Try not to think to far into the future and don't worry about your "masculine" features, just slow down and take it day by day. The HRT will slowly start to change your physical presecence, and the theraphy and if you find a good support group, will start change your mental dispostion.  Just let your self go, and transtion will slowly allow your true essecnce to emerge. Your confidence will raise, and your self image will sky rocket, when this happens you will be able to start to figure out how to go about getting FFS, and SRS. There is always a way, and money can always be had one way or the other. After I was able to get myself out of the dark begining and get a good job, I just built up my credit rating. But then the amazing thing is that when I just stopped worrying about everything and just started doing, things just started happieng. My parents and my famiily re-connected with me, and really took the time to understand me and eventually accepted me and what I was doing. They brought me back home I ended up getting back in school and graduated college with a BFA. They then ended up paying for my SRS so all I had to use my credit for was FFS.

But even if they had not of decided to help, I was on my way to helping myself so if things would have gone the other way I still would have been okay.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is just focus on the here and now, do'nt try and look to far ahead and just take things day by day. 27 is still a great age to be starting this. But I will say though, if you are planning this transtion for sure, try and get on HRT as soon as possible, so you can stop the testosterone, get going on the electrolysis as soon as you can. You will be amazed at what a diffrence just having a clear face will make, and its so much diffrent than just having a clean shavin face.

You can do this, just lay out your plans write down your priorties, and focus on the one step at a time, and don't look ahead at the next step. In my little journel, I wrote SRS in the very back, and never looked at that page again for about 18 months.

-passiflora-   

Wow, that post almost made me cry and I can't stop smiling.  Thank you for taking the time to reply and welcome to the forums.   

I just startd therapy, but as soon as I get the reccomendation for HRT I am going to start.  I have am also planning on going for laser initially and finishing it up with electrolysis.  Transition even at this early stage has given me a level of motivation that is totally foreign to me.  I have never been so focused in my life. 

My mother and girlfriend have been very supportive up until this point although it has been very hard on my GF as well.   I have adjusted my diet and begun some light exercise, even though I am pretty clueless how to proceed in those areas.  I would love to lessen some of my male features while not looking anorexic or having my Adam's apple be too prominent.  I have also been trying to repair my credit.  I am most definitely looking towards the future and I realize this is going to be a life long process.  To be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way.  Very few people get to be their true selves, and I know with time, I will be 

Charlotte   

Hi Charlotte, I'm 5' 9" myself, although I have always been quite small framed, unfortuantly, I don't think the HRT made me loose any height, but its okay, there are lots of tall natal women out there, and actually for our generation, I have noticed that most natal girls do seem to be a bit taller than previous generations. But on your diet, if you have a lot of musscle mass, or the potential to develop musscle quite easily, than try and cut back on your protein, and eat more of the good carbohydrates, and try and do mostly aerobic type excersices. Its okay to be tonned and in shape, but you don't want to much mass, or muscle thickness.

That focus is good, getting started on electrolysis is a very good thing, and really does do wonders for you self esteem and motivation. Fortuantly, it does appear from your picture that you do'nt have that much solid facial hair growth to deal with, which is good. Support groups are good also, just choose one carfully.

It will be hard on the close family and freinds around you. As I have said, my family was always really close, but at first my transition was hard on them, but in the end, that love overcame everything, and things worked out wonderfully. But I also think it scared them so much when I moved off like that by my self, it sort of lit a fire under them and made them learn and accept it more quickly. But it was an experience for me, a scary one at times, but it did help to make me more independent.

I think thats one thing you will prolly start noticing about trantion, is that you will find yourself doing things and accomplishing things you never thought possible. for some reason it seems to make us want to start fixing all kinds of things in our life. Transition made me highly motivted and it seems you have that same feeling, and desire.

-pass-