Help.

I just opened the can of worms of my "gender issues" and my councillor had to basically pry it out of me. It's still a basis for deep shame for me. How do I find self-acceptance

Talk, talk, talk. The more you keep it inside, the longer it will take to accept yourself for who your really are. So talk to your counselor, talk to a friend, talk to whoever will listen. the more often you hear yourself say these things out loud the better you will feel about saying them. Pretty soon you will be yelling it from the roof tops and proud to do so.

   Hugs, Roxy

Quote from: Erocse on March 10, 2011, 06:49:55 PM
Talk, talk, talk. The more you keep it inside, the longer it will take to accept yourself for who your really are. So talk to your counselor, talk to a friend, talk to whoever will listen. the more often you hear yourself say these things out loud the better you will feel about saying them. Pretty soon you will be yelling it from the roof tops and proud to do so.

   Hugs, Roxy

DITTO

What Roxy said.  Don't wait and wonder and struggle for years (guess who did?)  Don't be afraid to discuss it with your counselor, they know a lot more today than they did many years ago.  If they don't personally have experience with gender subjects, they should still be able to refer you to a qualified gender therapist.  And that will make all the difference in the world.

You're not abnormal, don't feel ashamed.

Take the feeling of wanting to lose the thing between your legs (haha) seen in the context of all the other thoughts and feelings that bring someone to the conclusion that they are actually female, it finally makes sense.  Do what Erocse advises talk you've done nothing wrong at all

You have nothing to feel ashamed of. Being able to talk about it will help you out so much in the long run.
Keep telling yourself that you are a unique worthwhile person and there is no one else quite like you.
One other thing that can help is to tell yourself you are not alone and there are those who have gone before you and can help you through this.

I know exactly what you mean.  I struggled with it a great deal.  Roxy hit it right on the money- you need to TALK with people who are supportive, and a counselor/therapist should be part of the mix.  When I started (FINALLY!) to talk about it, I found people would often say things like "Don't be so hard on yourself..."

One of the biggest hurdles I had to get over was the whole definition of what, to me, "Acceptance" meant.  I started out thinking it must indicate failure, which is where most of my deep shame was coming from.  I felt like if I accepted it, I would be just giving up, giving in, taking the easy road.  Ha!  What I finally realized was... self-acceptance is the beginning of SUCCESS, not failure.  Health, not illness.  Love, not loneliness.  Everything good that's happened for me over the past year (and there  have been a LOT of things!) has flowed from self-acceptance.  Everything bad in my life came from self-deprecation and non-acceptance.

Yes, get it out.  You hold it inside and it festers.  Find people you can talk to, especially someone trained to listen (a counselor).

I found some exercises to help me accept myself.  I listed all of the negative things I could think of that someone might say about someone who is transgendered.  I would then sit and say over and over "I am ....  I am transgendered."  When the sting got so it wasn't so bad, I felt able to talk to others.

As I came out to my friends, I found they accepted me as I am.  (You may find that not all do, but probably a surprising number will.)  Their acceptance helped me accept myself.

Realize that some people are born with the body of one gender and the mind/soul of another.  It is fairly rare but not as rare as some other conditions people can be born with.  It is just part of the variety of Nature.  Nature needs variety for resilience.  (If all trees were the same kind, we wouldn't have any trees because something would have killed them off by now.)  We are just part of what keeps Life healthy.

Initial self-acceptance is one of the hardest steps in the whole process.  Once you can get past that, it all becomes easier.  So as Roxy said: talk, talk, talk.

- Kate

Hi Susannemarie

Like Roxy said, talk about it.
And...think about it, did you do anything wrong, no you had just back luck born in the wrong body.
It's not your fault, it's just a cruell joke of nature.
Thankfully you can do something about it, and there is nothing to be ashame for.
Be proud on what you are and what you are doing.
You have the courage to do the things you have to do.
Remember  when you can respect and accept yourself, you are less vulnerable.
Easy saying isn't it?
But you can, it takes some time but listen to Roxy....talk, talk, talk.

hugs for my sister
annette

You have nothing to be ashamed about.  You have taken the first step on a very interesting and wonderous journey. All the best religious figures of the past 3 or 4 thousand years railed against lying, and you are telling the truth as you see it. 
Stand tall and have pride in yourself.  Most people wander around in a fog when it comes to knowing who they are, we get a chance to get right down to the nitty-gritty and live authentic lives.  It can be hard sometimes, but then anything easy probably isn't worth doing anyway.

Hugs, Sandra.

Work on the shame first.  Destroy that.  It takes a lot of time but it's the greatest thing.  It's probably affecting you in a lot of other ways.  Long term shame can make us comfortable in shame and self destructive.  As soon as my therapist told me that I may over-eat because I am addicted to shame..it clicked..and I dropped 30 lbs.   Shame is traumatic.

You can't make good decisions with shame and guilt so work work work on identifying how shame affects you and try to live without it.

Then there will be some clarity to take next steps, whether they mean living as a woman or living as a better man or inbetween, without fear.

I want to thank all of you for your insight. it's going to be an interesting little while for me. I will keep you all posted.

I've been kicking myself around for so long that it's taking me an eternity to really accept myself...I still fight against being trans, and I'm frequently ashamed of being trans. I have a lot of dysphoria about my nether region, so that doesn't help.

My therapist has told me a number of times that I will be more accepting of myself after
1) I have gotten well into transition and have reaped the benefits of my physical changes
2) I have been accepted as male by others for a sufficient length of time (however long it takes)
3) I have been around enough trans friends who see themselves, and me, as okay and relatively "normal"
4) I talk about my demons to a trusted professional (my therapist or any other) who treats me with respect and dignity--he acts as a mirror; I will begin to internalize his behavior to me and make it my own

All of these things have been pretty much true, but I still seem to have a ways to go.

EROCSE...she's like our little Yoda. Wisdom she does have, follow I will.