Hello Everyone!
This is my first time posting in this forum. I have been lurking for a couple of weeks and have decided to give this forum a try
. I would also like to apologize ahead of time for the novel I am about to write. I have never actually gotten into as much detail as I am about to, and I am hoping this will be somewhat therapeutic to myself. So please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Teagan. I'm 28 years young and I live in southern California. I am a Bi-sexual MTF Transgender (that's about the closest label I feel comfortable saying, but I am still unsure if that adequately describes me). I have recently stopped trying to repress/ignore emotions and feelings that I have had my entire life. I have decided to embrace that which I have repressed for so long, and have since decided to start the long transition process. It has been about 8 months since I came out as Bi-sexual to a select group of close friends, and so far only my closest friend knows that I am transgender (with the exception of everyone who reads this of course
) I am not that far in the transition process to be perfectly honest. I am about as far as accepting who and what I am and to have the resolve to start to take the steps necessary to make my transition happen.
So that is where I am at in this stage of my life currently. Let me give you all a little bit of my story. The first time I realized I was different I was about 4 or 5 years old. I am not exactly sure how the situation presented itself, but I remember I was trying on one of my twin sisters dresses. I think my sisters and mother must have been out of the house or something. But, I was in her room and I was wearing her clothes when I heard the dreaded sound of my fathers recliner un-reclining for lack of a better word
. Which meant that he was coming to check on what I was doing. Terrified, I dove under my sisters bed and hid there when he came in. I obviously knew that he would not approve. After he left my sisters room, I emerged from under the bed literally shaking in fear. I immediately thought that what I was doing was wrong and did not try on my sisters close or do anything of that nature for sometime. Somehow I seemed to inherently know that my father would not approve. So, after that incident, I tried hard to be a 'normal" boy. I played little league. I did the things that typical boys would do. However my favorite game was still playing "pretend" with my sisters and their dolls.
When I hit puberty, was when things began to become really confusing. The changes that were happening to my body didn't seem right to me. Hair began to grow everywhere and my voice dropped. According to my parents, my sex-education and other boys it was all perfectly natural. But I was not at all convinced. I tried to ask questions about what I was feeling during sex education. However, my questions were deemed "in-appropriate for school", and I was sent to the principles office for disrupting the classroom. The other children in the classroom would all laugh when I would ask a question regarding gender, so I guess the teacher assumed that I was trying to be funny or make a joke. On a side note, at the time I thought it a blessing that the principle did not tell my parents the questions I was trying to ask, but in hind-sight I wish that she had. After that whole fiasco, I started to get depressed. I decided that I would force myself to be "normal". I hoped that after time these feelings would eventually subside and I would be "normal". But as I am sure everyone here can attest to, its not something that just goes away by sheer will power.
After a couple years of trying to force myself into normalcy I started to have what I would refer to at the time as "relapses". Basically I would just wear my twin sisters clothes when ever I was home alone. I must say she has my same taste in clothing as me and I was powerless against her wardrobe J. Not to mention we were always the same size. After each "relapse" I would berate and belittle myself and try and rationalize why I need to stop this kind of behavior. The longest that I went between "relapses" has been about 6-7 months. It was during this time that I began to self-medicate. I began to use marijuana and alcohol as a means to create this fog in my mind. With this fog in my mind I didn't focus on anything. I just was kind of on auto pilot after that. For the next 8 years, after I began to use drugs, my life is somewhat of a spiraling out of control blurry nightmare of an existence.
About 3 years ago I began to get a grip on my life. I got clean and took a step back from what I was doing. I began the process of self-discovery all over again. But, this time I was embracing what I was and who I am. I didn't try to rationalize away feelings or emotions. I didn't scold myself for not conforming to the devout catholic ways of my parents. I didn't belittle myself for not being a stereotypical straight male. I basically just let the current carry me where it carried me.
I started to do a little bit of research and find out exactly what I was feeling or trying to be or however you want to put it. So eventually I discovered what it was that I was feeling and what I am. It took me a long time to come out to the people that I did that I was Bi-sexual and even longer to tell to my "BFF" that I was transgender. (Thanks, Lynzie for your love and support btw <3)I am still not open with everyone about what I am. I still go to work as a male. I still present myself to my family as a male. But when I am home I get to be myself. I definitely intend to transition. I am still saving the necessary funds to make my transition happen. Unfortunately I work with my a lot of my family and family friends. All of whom have made their stance perfectly clear on the subject of Homosexuality. So its not hard to imagine how they would feel about me being transgender. Transition for me means a fresh start because I am 100 percent positive my place of employment would find a way to fire me, and my family (aside from my siblings) would disown me.
Well that's a little bit about me. In the future I will probably post about anything and everything on my mind. But for the time being, I will leave you with just a short background story and a fond farewell. Thanks for listening.
<3 Teagan
