So, I'm not sure what I should do.

I'm not reallt out to anyone.  All I tell my family is that I want to wear boy clothes and don't want to look like a girl, and I leave them to think whatever they want of that.  I'm over 18 but I'm still in high school where math and science are the subjects I do best at.  My science teacher (who I would describe as a femenist, but that's irrelevent) nominated me to recieve an award for my "accomplishments in math and science" from the AAUW. The American Association of University Women.

I guess normally one would be really excited to receive this award.  but it's obvious why I'm not.  Choosing to not recieve this award is not really an option for me because my whole family knows about it and is excited about it and telling everyone and inviting everyone they know to come. They also tell me how good this award would look for college applications and job applications.  But I want to enter colleges and jobs as a male, so that would just look weird.   And this whole award just doesn't mean very much to me since it's meant for women.  Also, I feel like I'm decieving this organisation, the AAUW, for posing as a women to accept the award. 
but then again  I also think it would be an insult to my teacher to not accept the award plus my whole family would be disappointed and not understand. 
So I will feel guilty either way.

I probably don't have a choice here (even though I technically do).  So I was wondering what you guys would do in my place?

Yikes. Do you plan to be out as trans at your college? If you do, and if you volunteer for the trans community, that could get you some other scholarships as well as explaining why you have this award.

I can understand why you feel this way. Maybe it's time for you to come out to your family?

if i were in your situation, i would be very proud of myself and accept the reward. you didn't get recognized for being a female, you got recognized for your achievements in math and science. if you transition to male, you still hold an award for those achievements. also, it's not like you need to show the award to job or college applications if you don't want to, right?

actually, i have been in a somewhat similar situation where i received the "most outstanding girl" in my band class. at first i felt the same as you but then came to realize i received the award for my musical achievements and i was proud of myself to be recognized amongst my peers.

i'm not going to let my issues with gender identity take first priority in my life

this reminds me of what i felt in highschool. i thought the homecoming voting thing was completely unfair. they printed everyone of the seniors names out, and every student votes for who they think should be homecoming king and queen. i was thinking, "if i end up having to be homecoming king against my will, i would die." there's actually some kids that don't want anything to do with the school! especially the one i went to. i didn't go to prom, i never went to any dances, never did any of their sanctioned activities. i hated that place, and only showed up for my 8 hrs mon-fri. so, i was worried that people would have given me sympathy votes for homecoming king, because i was about the least popular in my whole class. they just chose the traditional popular kids that you just can't stand, and that was ok with me. anyway, i feel pretty sorry for you, because this sounds like it doesn't do much more than cause you guilt and dysphoria. i would just try and accept the award, realizing that you are good at math and science and you do deserve the award. you deserve the award as an individual, not as a male or female. for things like going into college, i doubt they keep track of all your high school accomplishments after you're accepted in. they should forget about all of it soon enough.

I agree with some of these remarks, but not all. If it were me, it wouldn't matter that I had earnt the award myself, if it had 'female' or 'women's' or anything of the kind written on it, I wouldn't want to know about it. For me, it would make my dysphoria so much worse, to have a gender oriented award in my life would suck I think, because everyone in my family would remember the day I 'made all of the women in the family so proud!' etc. As well as the knowledge that there's one more account of the original me out there in the open, recorded plainly for anyone to see.

I'd rather weather the storm of turning it down, than accepting it and having it as part of my life forever. But that's just me, and you did earn that award, fair and square. If your dysphoria isn't as bad as mine, I say grit your teeth and accept it, it may help you with something later on in life.

You should accept the award. It will help you on your college apps - if you haven't yet legally transitioned, you're going to be outed during the application process anyway. (Even if you have, there's a fair chance your old name/gender will come out in some documentation somewhere.)

Don't worry, nobody's going to know about the stuff on your application other than the admissions committee. Just take what you can get.

As for deceiving the AAUW by posing as a woman: You're not. I know it can definitely feel that way, but the truth is that regardless of your internal identity and how your brain is wired, you have still spent your life so far as female. Other people know you're female. You've overcome all of the same challenges as any woman would have in order to accomplish what you have in math and science. You're not at some sort of innate advantage because you have a male brain; women are capable of being just as good at math and science (take a look at all the trans women on this board who are scientists and professors!), and it's the social pressures that create a gender disparity. And you've experienced all of those social forces. You deserve the award as much as any woman in your position would. And it ought to mean as much to you as it would to them. It's not "lesser" because it's coded female, as much as our internalized sexism would have us feel that it is.

Agreed on everything that has been said that it will help you to have this recognition for your achievements & that you shouldn't feel like a "fraud" because they ARE trying to recognize people who have overcome the disadvantages girls and women face in math and science.

Once you've graduated university, you wouldn't wind up putting high school awards on your resume. This is a cool thing now, but not something you'll always be forced to explain away or hide. In the short term, it CAN help you with applications from people you'll probably have to come out to anyway.

Here is my own personal sense - because this is something I grappled with in coming out:

Pre-transition, I had been 'praised' for a long time and viewed as somewhat remarkable, because I am very strong in math and math-oriented fields. Even within my chosen career, which is fairly mixed, I am on the more predominantly "traditionally male" side of the field/job/position in terms of the specifics of what I do. I felt uncomfortable for a long time being viewed as something special for having what other people viewed as more "male" talents and accomplishments. I worried about how I used to be a role model for young girls and women to show that anyone can be or do anything, and that transitioning was going to undermine that. I struggled with experiences like when I was basically out as trans in my personal life and a few months away from total full time/work and someone professionally - a very smart and outgoing woman I don't have much opportunity to work with - was going on and on to me about how awesome it was to have a "woman" who did what I was doing. I felt like such a complete and utter fraud.

And I think the worst of it was that I hated being "proof" that equality had been achieved, that women were being treated well, etc. Because I knew that my behavior was as stereotypically masculine as possible, and it wasn't because I wanted to fit some mold or succeed - I was just kinda being comfortable as me. So I was getting praise for fitting in, and being held up as some sort of example of what someone *could* be. It made me feel like I was working overtime to be the one to point out sexism or misogyny without really always understanding *why* and *how* me and my co-workers - or just standard aspects of our jobs - WERE excluding actual women. 

My sense is that this might be part of what is troubling you: that your accomplishments in math and science shouldn't be viewed as them being 'successful' in improving math and science opportunities for the girls and women in your school.

Since I've come out, what I realized is that most people do NOT think, "Oh, you are a fraud! You pretended to be a woman. We should never have <honored you, thought you special, given you an award, hired you, etc>"
What they DO think is often: How hard must it have been for you to juggle your academic/professional/serious-minded work while you had so much personal crap to deal with!

But the harder part is learning to accept yourself as an actual role model and accomplished person even though it is NOT because you are a woman. It is from living as though people think you are, from being a role model to other LGBTQ and gender-variant people, and from prevailing with a perspective that IS unique about the need for greater recognition and more equality in the maths and sciences for ALL people who do not come from an advantaged position, whether through race, sex or gender, class, and so on.

Sean's post is great. He said it way better than I could - I have a lot of similar experiences, and his take is absolutely right.

Quote from: MaxAloysius on March 23, 2011, 07:15:27 AM
I agree with some of these remarks, but not all. If it were me, it wouldn't matter that I had earnt the award myself, if it had 'female' or 'women's' or anything of the kind written on it, I wouldn't want to know about it. For me, it would make my dysphoria so much worse, to have a gender oriented award in my life would suck I think, because everyone in my family would remember the day I 'made all of the women in the family so proud!' etc. As well as the knowledge that there's one more account of the original me out there in the open, recorded plainly for anyone to see.

I'd rather weather the storm of turning it down, than accepting it and having it as part of my life forever. But that's just me, and you did earn that award, fair and square. If your dysphoria isn't as bad as mine, I say grit your teeth and accept it, it may help you with something later on in life.

I have to agree with Max. I had something semi-similar, I got a story published about a year ago (before I was comfortable with being out) and was requested to write for their women's anthology, specifically, by name. Told I had a garunteed slot in the book and I had to refuse it. Wrote out a big long letter to the publisher explaining why, and apologizing, and I've got to say I personally don't regret it. But, like Max said, a lot of that probably comes down to how bad the dysphoria is. For me personally, I can't stand even being vaguely thought of as a girl. Having my work out there, under a girl's name? No thanks. I'd rather never be published again than live with that, honestly.

JohnAlex, I was wondering what you had decided. I was thinking about you because I just had an old award experience come back to haunt me this weekend, and that made me remember yet another experience that I had a couple of years ago.

In the latter situation, I was doing research at my undergrad uni when a library employee encouraged me to apply for a free study space through the women's resource center on campus. She even wrote down the name and contact info for the woman in charge of that program. It would have been a nice little perq for me, but I was pretransition, and mortified that the idea was even suggested. And I was as closeted as I could manage at the time, even to myself. Especially to myself. Yet I would have preferred to be swallowed up by the earth rather than take advantage of the program.

But I was thinking that if you haven't changed your name but plan to do so while you're at college or right after you're accepted to college, you can accept your award and make the most of it, then leave it behind you after you change your name and graduate from the uni.

You know, girls are traditionally taught differently from boys when it comes to math and science, so you did overcome some hurdles in that respect. But I can understand your having reservations about the whole deal. I hope you find a solution that makes you happy.

Arch, thank you for sharing that.  I feel exactly like I'm taking advantage of the program.   And I actually have already legally changed my name.  but I went with a gender neutral name that I have always liked, and also that way I didn't have to come out to anyone. 

I knew that I was going to have to accept the award all along.  I really don't want to still.  And if I was in your place where it was completely up to me to apply or not I would not, just like you didn't.  but with this award thing, my whole family told all my relatives and there's like 20 people who now want to come to the ceremony when I will receive the award.  And so now it's more like I just don't have the guts to turn all of them down.  I wouldn't even know how to do it without first coming out to them all, and I don't think they could handle all that at one time. 

So I'll just go get the award and not be happy about it.  It's not until April 10th.