I've been with my boyfriend only since January, and needless to say I informed him that I was FtM well before we ever got into this relationship. He said he was fine with that because he was bi-curious anyway, so we began dating. Well we had a lot of difficulties starting out because although I told him that he still called me 'she' and 'miss' and 'girly' like he didn't fully understand it. Needless to say this didn't fly with me and we had to have a long talk and I explained it again (tried to explain it better, I guess). The issue finally got resolved and he stopped with calling me 'she'. Then we had an issue with him not knowing how to compliment me or be endearing- he was uncomfortable with the whole 'handsome' thing. Well we got over that (I let him do all of this on his own, I haven't made him do anything. Except me being firm on the male pronoun.)

Basically through these past 3 months I have re-explained myself and my situation over and over to him. Then he had a problem with me being more manly than him and he didn't want to look at himself as gay. Then he seemed to get over it by using my manliness as a compliment and saying he likes it. But still he is the only one of my friends that is refusing to call me "Vinny" or "Vincent" but instead he calls me by my birthname. His reasoning is 'but I like it' like that makes it okay. He tried the same thing with the girl pronoun. 'but I like you as a girl' like that would make me say 'oh well if YOU like me as a girl then let me just not have dysphoria anymore!'

I'm having an extremely hard time figuring out whether he is still clueless or he is that selfish. When I tell him I can't leave the house without binding (I use ace bandage) he seems genuinely concerned to an extent. 'You have to take really shallow breaths when you wear that' and he is worried. I explained that it was only temporary until I get a binder. But then his response is "I don't understand how you can be so upset with your body. Especially around friends. Its nothing to be ashamed about and its not like you have some disease/disorder. You are fine in my eyes." and I think here we go with this again. You think I'm doing this...because I don't think people accept me as I am?

Sorry for the long rant. I just don't understand this guy's reasoning. Not to be mean, but I don't know how long we will last if he can't get this.

wow, yeah.  not to be a let down, but I don't see you guys lasting either.

One thing he should realize is that just by being with you, he should consider himself gay or bisexual.  Because he can't consider himself straight and be with you.  that means he's still seeing you as a female.  And not using the right name and pronounces means he's only seeing you as a female.

Seems to me like you've made this pretty clear to him on a few occasions.  I'd say it's time to give him an ultimatum, because this is not something that you can be flexible on, you don't deserve that.

I would tell him that this is over if he refuses to see you as a male.  And he needs to never intentionally call you by your birthname again.

I don't know if that would help, though.  because it seems like he just doesn't understand.  He can't put himself in your place and imagine what it's like. 

I know what that is like.  I remember when I was younger I didn't understand cross dresser.  I didn't understand what could possibly make them want to do that.   but I've always had an open mind. So I researched it.  I read what psychologists say about it, I read the explanations from actual  cross dressers for why they feel they need to do this.  And then I understood.  I could put myself in their place and imagine what that must feel like.

Now some people I know do not have this ability at all, I believe.  Not that they're necessarily close minded, but just that they have no ability to put themselves in someone else's place and imagine what it's like.  "Empathy" I think it is called.

Now I don't know your boyfriend, so i don't know if he has that ability somewhere in him or not.  But it does seem to me like right he does not GET what it is like for you.  And maybe educating him more about transsexuals in general (not just you personally) would help him, so he would see that you are not an isolated incident or that you are not abnormal (as far as transsexuals go). 

Maybe have him read some things about transsexuals like I did about cross dressers.  or maybe if it helps him, he could watch some movies about transsexuals ("Boys Don't Cry" comes to mind).  I find I can always empathize with characters in movies. 

So that's my suggestion, to try to help him understand on a deep level what it is like for you.

And if that fails, then don't put up with him.  You don't deserve to be treated like that by him, by anyone who is supposed to be that close to you.  Right now I'm just giving the benefit of the doubt by calling him ignorant.  But my suggestion would also be to put a time limit on it if you do decide to try and help him understand, give him like a month or so.  because you can't indefinitely hang out hope that he will eventually get it.


I don't mean to sound like I'm trying to tell you what to do.  I don't know him personally.  These are just possible suggestions. 
Whatever choice you make, good luck with it

I would break up with him if I were you.  He wants what he wants and is obviously not concerned about your feelings. 

Agreed - he needs to find himself a girlfriend (which is obviously what he wants) and you need to find yourself someone who wants you as you are and will be. It sounds like he has a rock-solid investment in you being a girl, and you don't need that, and he needs to go away and figure out why he's so fixated on that.

Sorry man but I agree. Sounds like he wants a girlfriend and you aren't a girlfriend so sounds like you guys would be better off apart.

Hi

He may have been bi-curious but he obviously isn't bisexual. Sorry, time to leave, you need someone who respects you as a male. He sounds as if he needs a female partner. Nothing wrong with either except it is hurting both of you, and that is no grounds for a relationship.

JMO
Cindy

Yeah the only reason I hesitate is because he does seem to want to try. He almost always calls me 'he' now, and he calls me his boyfriend and handsome and blahblah. He seems to be truly trying on everything but the name. And then there are the things that he says that makes me think he truly doesn't get it- like with the binding comment. He didn't seem to have any malice or stuborness, but its like he just doesn't get it STILL.

And yes, it does worry me that he cannot see himself as gay or bisexual. I also worry about giving him an ultimatum, because he seems like the type of desperate guy who would change instantly and not be himself. That's not what I want either. If we can't be together as the people that we are then we shouldn't be together. I don't want to CHANGE him- there is nothing wrong with him being himself, even if he is straight.

And with the trial period- this whole relationship has kind of been a trial period in my eyes. I'm trying to give him time because god knows it took me long enough to decide I was going to live as a male- let alone him try to understand it without experiencing what I have gone through. Especially if he has a hard time with empathy. I just- don't know how much longer to give him or what to say to him to make him understand more clearly. Maybe it is over?

Heh - if you don't want to change him, then you're definitely not a girl (sorry, couldn't stop myself )

I've got to say, it seems to me that if he's baulking on using your name, he's only "trying" on the easy stuff. Names are very emotive, I know it took my mother ages to start using my Buddhist name consistently, and some of my old friends still don't want to. I would ask him what it feels like for him to use the name you want him to use, get him to explore that honestly. Which is different from an ultimatum.

Occasionally, especially during times of ambiguity, like when one first comes out, people might like you for something that you're not. It's happened to me before.

This appears to be the case with you and him. Unless he gets over it and is willing to "see himself as gay," then he's probably going to continue to try to push you in the direction of what he wants you to be, rather than just accepting what you are and deciding whether he wants to be in a relationship with someone like that or not. That's never any fun.

QuoteHeh - if you don't want to change him, then you're definitely not a girl (sorry, couldn't stop myself )

That made me smile.

But yeah, its probably pretty close to over between him and I. He is going through these stages now where he won't answer anyone when he's upset. I really do want to end it- I'm just terrible with breaking up with people. :[