What do you do when your girlfriend of 3 years and biggest supporter for your transition suddenly becomes physically unattracted to you because your taking hormones and they're changing your body?

What do you do when you are unable to provide sensual intercourse due to the lack of libido from anti-depressants, anti-androgens and estrogen?

What do you do when you talk about breaking up meanwhile you're thinking that you're falling for her sister who doesn't even want you dating her sister anymore because your transgender?

What do you do when you're girlfriend asks you if you feel the rush and that need that you get when you're first with someone?  What if neither of you feel that rush anymore?  What if that's what you experience with her sister?  What if she's all you can think about when she's around you but you still love your girlfriend deeply?

I love her... so much... but we're becoming room mates/best friends... we have nothing in common... we don't read the same books, watch the same TV shows or even have the same hobbies... I don't want it to end but it seems inevitable... I can't help but fall for her sister even though she has no attraction to me and has a slight problem with me being transgender.  She just likes manly men... but... we have so much in common and get along great.  I've only told my girlfriend how I feel about her sister and no one else and she has no problem with it.

So... what do you do... when your life is like mine?

First off, <hugs>

Your situations sounds very much like how my own was, living with my girlfriend of 4 years, very supportive of the trans stuff for a while but as everything began to change with me she drifted away and things began to change with her too. The sexual situation was very similar too thanks to anti-depressants, and just as they began to take away my sex drive, hers was kicking into gear for the first time in a while.

As for a definitive what to do, that's hard to say.... in my case we both just changed so much, neither of us were the people who we were at the start of our relationship. I still care for her deeply and miss her tremendously, but I do know things have worked out for the best, as painful as it often feels.

~Sara

Thanks for the hugs, I really just needed to vent.
Yes, exactly.  My girlfriends libido kicked into gear when mine was taking a dive.  Now it's almost non-existant.  My girlfriend says that we've changed so much that we aren't the same people who fell in love with each other.  We've agreed that even if we break up we will still be best friends and look out for each other.  We've even agreed that we would live together until something called us away to live somewhere else such as the university I'm applying to.  It is painful and I'm not sure what my next steps would be.  If it did come down to me moving back to my parents I would have to come out to my father... 

I have no idea how he would react.  He's very unpredictable.  When his mother died he was saddened but never showed it.  When my sister and I attempted suicide he was furious.  When I left to get my own apartment he cried... that was the first time that I've ever seen tears come from that man.  So I'm expecting one of two extremes; crying fit or furiously enraged.  Neither of which are good.

Wow, the similarities are endless. When my relationship ended back in november I was forced to move in with my mother, and she's very similar to what you described. I had already come out to her, but once I was here it was like starting from scratch and the results swung to both ends of the pendulum from day to day.

I'm taking things as they come, they were really terrible for a while but shockingly it has gotten a lot better. Just keep your head up and good luck

~Sara

I don't think it's insensitive.  I actually agree.  But I'm going to try and push through with the relationship until we both decide we're done.  It's hard to let go when you love someone so much.

I'm in a similar spot, just earlier in the process. I've been with my girlfriend for 7 years this summer, and all signs are pointing toward breaking up except her determination to support me through this.

She hasn't gone through a major breakup before, (major being such a long term relationship) and she's just not the sort that would initiate it. She is the type that would bottle it up for the next decade if she had to in order to keep what we have, and even if she got an inkling that she deserved a more fulfilling life, she wouldn't necessarily be the one to take that step. So I'm thinking for two right now.

I hear you on the best friend roommates thing. Ever since my breakdown a year ago, I've been drifting in that direction emotionally, even if it wasn't until earlier this year that I realized it was because of my need to transition. We've been attached at the hip for so many years, and it's such an amazingly comfortable and fulfilling relationship outside of all this that I could easily imagine being old together, but with most of our lives ahead of us, it's hard to say that growing old together is the best.

Then I think of how much I need privacy right now, and how uncomfortable I am even with her seeing me while I am going through this, and it just makes me wonder.

And at the same time, I love her and I can't imagine hurting her even if it's necessary.

Neither of us has been in a long term relationship either so we don't really know how to end it either.
We're just waiting until I go full time basically to see how things go.  As it stands right now, our rocky relationship is plummeting and I've only been en femme outside once.  I'm thinking that once I do it more she'll either get used to the idea and decide to stay or that she can't handle it and leave.

I've also noticed myself thinking of dating possibilities after her.  I've been more and more open minded about dating men.  Just the thought of someone protecting you and someone strong holding onto you.  The only problem would be having sex.  I'm pre-op with no hopes of ever raising enough money for surgery.  I'm also afraid a guy would leave me because of it.

I don't know...  too early to start thinking about that.

QuoteWhat do you do when you are unable to provide sensual intercourse due to the lack of libido from anti-depressants, anti-androgens and estrogen?

In my case, 4 months of HRT did affect my libido (no more spontaneous erection), but whenever she wants it, and with enough foreplay, erection is still possible (every time).

For me, I would stick to one's old partner (female), even thought due to HRT, my physical/mental changes may cause me to desire a man's love. This way will have less problem. After all, transition is not about seeking man for relationship, its about being feminine oneself and one is happy in that mode, nothing more is needed.

I agree with the other girl first start out with Hugs for both of you brave transwomen. If you really love someone so much.. you will let them go for the better!! If they want to stay more power to you! I am whitney rain denham and am 26 years old mtf transwoman who feels that when I have my srs done, when I am whole that is when I am going to date. My experience with an ex-fiance was going well until my feelings came out!! I did tell her but she really wanted a manly man... like you said!! She cheated on me and got pregnant while still with me... so its not really that bad for both you!! That was a bad situation and now that I will be starting my journey to womanhood finally I am already happy!! So if it doesnt work out for you two... in the future are you going to date a man, woman or both? Thats my question for both of you!! Good luck and hope all goes well!!!


ttylata

Whitney Rain Denham

I would probably date both genders if my current relationship were to cease.  I'd be cautious about dating men unless somehow I were to get enough money for SRS.  I'm afraid that they'd be too quick to jump the gun and leave.  I'm not that big into.. well.. anal sex either (pitching or catching).  If I were with a woman, I could technically still have hetero intercourse.
I don't think that I would ever date someone who specifically sought out transgender people either.  I find it to be a weird fetish and most of the guys would want you to be pre-op so it could still be resorting to anal...  I've never really met a woman who sought out transgender people, so I wouldn't know about that.

My girlfriend on the other hand will most likely stick to dating guys.  She has absolutely no interest in women.