Hi guys,

Long time lurker, first time poster

Im a 26 year old transman living in Queensland, and I was wondering if any of you had any advice about coming out to parents when you're an adult? It seems like the average guy asking this question is in their teens and most of the drama is about potentially being kicked out or being told its a phase, which I'm not really worried about lol.

I'm pre-T and have just been given my referal to an endo by my phsyciatrist and I would like to tell mum before I start on T so she has a bit of time to get used to the idea. I'm going to Tasmania to help her with some maintenance that needs doing to her house and I thought it would be a good opportunity to tell her face-to-face and try and answer any questions she may have.

I reckon she would probably be half expecting me to come out as a lesbian (despite having had male partners a few of whom she's met) as I have always been rather masculine in my mannerisms, habits and clothing choices - just about the last thing she would be expecting me to say would be that I'm actually a gay man!

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Hi, I came out to my mother on Boxing Day, and even though I am in my late 50's I was still nervous.  I went with the approach of talking about GID as a medical problem, and how it seems to be a random result of changes in early gestation.  Lots of good info in the Wiki. And then took it from there.
I guess you could start about some guy you really like , but then tell her that it's complicated...
Best of luck.
Karen.

Well, I'm a teenager, so I don't know if any advice I give you will actually help, but there's no harm in saying it anyway I suppose

I go into my 'coming out' conversations like I have nothing to lose, so I suppose in that I would be closer to someone who is out of home, like yourself. Because I don't worry about being kicked out, or of people not liking it (screw that, nobody is kicking me out of home, and if they don't like it, they can leave, I don't need them as a friend/family member.) So I found that when I told my parents, I did so in a way that wasn't questioning. I didn't say anything like 'I think' or 'I wish to', I said 'I am' and 'I will be' etc, which let them know that while I was telling them all of this, it wasn't up for discussion. I made it clear that my mind was made up, and I was telling them so that they could come to terms with it, not so that they could question my judgement and try to talk me out of it.

That being said, I still tried to be gentle with them. I got them alone seperately, my mother kind of listened and sat there in shock, then just said, 'Okay' and awkwardly left. It took her a long time to come around, but come around she did, and we do exchange the odd sentance here and there about the topic, even though she's really uncomfortable about it. My step-father on the other hand took it quite well, he asked me a whole bunch of questions right off the bat, and didn't seem phased. It's odd, he seems to be the one who understands me the best, but he's not all that accepting. He told me my mother and he wouldn't pay for anything relating my transition, and I was cool with that.

I ended up telling my dad, who lives on the other side of the country to me, when I was down there visiting for a week, so similar to your situation in that respect I told my aunt first, who lives with him, and then she called him into the room and I explained it to him. His reaction was a little odd. He's always loved having me as 'his little girl', so I thought he would take the news really badly, but when he found out he would be 'losing' that little straight girl in favour of a gay boy, he seemed delighted. When I asked him why, he said 'Because now I've had a daughter, a son, a straight child and a gay child. You're the whole lot in the one package.' and he seemed very happy about it. I'm his only child, so I think he saw it as a way to experience all of the possibilities of what a child could be in one go. You could mention that to your mother, it might make her smile I made my mum laugh in the middle of the 'coming out' talk and it really lifted the tension.

Sorry I'm not an adult like you, so I can't really give any advice other than what I've dealt with, but I hope that was some help anyway Oh, and also! Welcome!

thanks for your input guys (and Karen).

Told mum today and after a bit of an arguement she seemed to realise that I was serious, and no its not a strange whim I've suddenly gotten and calmed down a bit so we could have a chat.

I printed out some info from the wiki and other sites such as FTM Australia for her to read which I think helped her understand a lot more than my awkward bumbling did, and while I wouldnt say she's supportive atm, she seems to at least accept it so its a good start, I think

Definitely a great start

Congrats man!

Glad your mom seemed to take it well.  I am in my late 20s and have told my bf and that is about it...i wrote him a long email with links to various sites and he seems to get it but I don't think he will believe it till he sees me taking T.  I plan on doing the same thing with my parents.  I just think for me its easier to write it all down because if I say it out loud I may miss important parts that I want to express. 

Hey m3lty - firstly what part of Qld?? I too reside in God's country in FNQ Well done on coming out to your mum. I was 26 when I came out to my folks. I did the whole letter thing, let them read it in the other room then was around to chat and show them the literature I had on hand to help me fumble my way through a conversation!

No parent is going to jump for joy when they first get the news but at least she knows now, and that you're serious and is still talking to you!! FTMAustralia has a couple of books available to purchase (well they used to..) - I did and gave them to my family for their benefit - one was aimed for family, friends, partners etc, and I really believe knowledge was a big help in trying to explain.

Cheers mate - hope your journey remains more positive than not!

j.

So I can really only give you advice from my point of view, I am not living with my parents however I am only 20, so yeah. I told my mother over the phone bc I didn't mean to but it just kinda happened. She didn't flip, bc she'd seen me in male clothes recently so yeah. It was easier on me bc I don't live there. I hope it goes well for you, bro.
-Luke