So last night I was hanging out with a friend I met through work who has only known me since I've been transitioning and had my name legally changed. She does however know that I'm trans (only because someone told her...which I wasn't happy about, but what can you do.)  I've known her for about 9 months, but for various reasons, we hadn't hung out in about 5 months until last night.  So yeah, we're not really good friends and really don't know each other super well.

Anyway, last night was the first time we had hung out in months and I felt like things were going pretty well.  Out of nowhere she asks me what my birth name was.  She actually referred to it as my "real name." I told her that my name has been legally changed for over a year and the name she knows me by IS my real name.  She then explains she means my birth name.  I tell her that I don't see how that's relevant to anything really and that I don't feel like it's something anyone needs to know as I'm not comfortable with it.  She then asks a few more times and then after we're done hanging out and I get home, texts me and asks me again.  It sort of upset me. 

However, this also happened with another friend who found out I was trans but had only known me after transition. She actually wouldn't let the issue go until I finally told her because I couldn't handle being asked anymore. I kind of feel like it's disrespectful, but maybe I'm just being oversensitive.

The thing is, like I said I'm stealth, I've been on T for over a year, and want to be recognized as male, not "that guy who used to be a girl," so this sort of thing bothers me.

Has this happened to anyone else?  Why are people so eager to know this?

Say: "My birth name was *insert name of female asking you* and I hated it because it is a name I always associate with horrible people."

Then smile nicely.

I think people like it because they feel like they're in on some big secret. Honestly, I think you're right. Asking is way out of line and disrespectful to all you've gone through. People just don't realise that. Tell her that you want to be respected as male, and that is the only name you go by. Anything else was always foreign, and an incorrect name. If she doesn't accept that, tell her that she has some issues to deal with, not you.

I'm sorry but it's just something that people do. I'm not entirely sure why but they often don't realise it's rude. That doesn't excuse them, I know, but our lives are always a bit tougher. xc

"You know name changes are a matter of public record, so if you were all that interested you could get your ever-expanding fat ass off that chair and use your brain for something more than watching midget scat porn and look it up yourself."


Bet me she'll never ask again.

Wow, even texting you? She's just a nosey cow. I agree with the other guys here - a big part of it is wanting to be in on the super exciting secret 

I'm thinking it's more about wanting to find out "what you were like" before. They might be trying to see if they can look you up if they know your birthname. People are nosey beasts. Trans may be such an "exotic and exciting thing" to them they just have to welter in it, in all the wrong ways. They don't understand it's extremely disrespectful, well either that or they don't care.

I get that a lot because I have had a Buddhist name for 14 years now, and I always just counter with the smiling question "Why do you want to know?" Let them do the flustering, it's their turn .

I think morbid curiosity is a part but I also think part of it is innocent.
The people who ask this may be wanting to get to know us better and think that somehow knowing our birth name may provide some insight into us.

"Ah yeah, that wasn't a very pretty female name, I can see why you're trans"... or what?
Sorry, I'm just moody today

hnehehe.. if anyone ever asked me that. they are in for some confusion. I had a birth name, legally first and last name changed then by my parents.. and now on to my male name. Anyhow.. I've only had a couple people ask me.. and it feels gross. I ended up telling them, but it also then feels like they have power over you as they know this bit of info from your past you don't want dredged up.

Hm, I would consider lying and claiming that that IS my birth name.  "Yes, my parents thought it would be cute to give me a male name.  It ended up coming in handy." 

I appreciate some of the more comical suggestions for future responses, especially Tekla's haha.

But yeah, I do agree that part of it may be innocent curiousity, but I feel like telling someone once that I'm not comfortable answering should be enough.  Apparently not though.  This girl also just texted me a bit ago and told me that after hanging out for a few hours last night, she "likes" me even though she has a boyfriend.  I think I need to just steer clear of this particular "friend(?)"

And Tad, I do agree with what you said.  I do feel like one of the main reasons it bugs me so much is because I feel like the other person will have some sort of power over me by knowing.  Also makes me feel even more like they see me more as a girl trying to be a guy than as a guy.

As with many other things here, it's always reassuring to hear that other people have experienced similar things though.

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
You writing a book?
If I told you I'll have to kill you.
I changed my name when I entered the witness protection program.

Saying you're not comfortable answering is enough. If she doesn't respect that, stop associating with her. Was she clear on how she "likes" you? She may just mean as a friend.

I think she's definitely out of line. It's one thing to be curious - that's natural - but to be persistently bothering someone when it clearly is not something he wants to share? Seems like she needs to grow up and learn to respect boundaries.

This reminds me of this thing my dad used to do when I was little.  "What's your name?"  "Puddintame, ask me again, I'll tell you the same."

It's extremely disrespectful to ask, and keep asking.
I've had people ask, and eventually I told them off.
I am also stealth now and if anybody brings it up, even people who are also trans, or knew me before...it makes me uncomfortable. What's past is past. Leave it there. I'd personally rather forget that that part of my life ever existed.

People are just harmlessly curious usually, so I try not to hold it against them, even if it's really none of their business. That girl texting you, though...sheesh. Sometimes I wonder what makes it so hard for some people to understand that the whole birth-name thing is a sore subject for a lot of transpeople. You'd think it would be pretty easy to grasp why.

Usually I find that people don't ask, though.

But if they find out, or if they ask and I answer eventually for whatever reason, they usually know not to repeat it or use it to refer to me.

Every once in awhile, there will be some ignorant person who does decide they will call me by my birth-name as a joke or something, or out of some sense of irony since the name is very unfitting these days considering how I look. This is why basically, as a rule, I generally never tell cissies my birth-name, only ever other transfolk if it comes up during one of those "I had the worst name EVER" conversations.

"I had the worst name EVER"

Maybe if your mom and dad were Mr. and Mrs. Manson and they named you 'Charles'.

I was at school with a girl called Shandah Lear. You'd be amazed.

I've actually got a link floating around of some of the worst/most ridiculous names ever on record. Of course it's the internet, and it could be fake, but it's still hilarious.

OP, I don't think you're overreacting at all. It's stupid, and like tekla said if they cared that damn much they should just look it up themselves. Has she even given you a concrete reason why she wants it?