Hello, I just came across this forum today but I've been struggling with my gender idenity for some time. I was hoping I could get some advice from any androgyne/gederqueer or trans individuals who are feeling generous with their wisdom. Here is my story:

I've been identifying as trans (FTM) for just about the last two years. I was so certain of my gender that I came out to my girlfriend and my mother and contacted a counselor to begin the process of transitioning (to get a recommendation for hormone treatment). Then, as my therapist started asking me questions about my gender I realized that I don't fit what many people think of as the "FTM mold". I have always felt out of place, it's true, but I didn't think I was trans until my teens. I have my feminine side, and I'll be the first to admit it: I like to wear makeup; I'd like to "dress in drag" even if I did transition. I don't mind if people see me as somewhere between the sexes, in fact that is my ideal goal.

I feel, in my heart of hearts, that I am definitely genderqueer, but there are times when I think I am trans, too. My question is this: can you be both at once? How do you come to terms with feeling like you are both genders at times, neither at others? If you want to "pass" as an effeminate male, but you don't mind if people read you as a butch female, what does that mean? Is the answer to my gender identity really about genitals or is it something more?

I am also curious to know if any of you have ever second gussed yourselves because you feel inadequate as one gender more so than the other.

If you have any advice for me on how to find my true gender idenity, I would love to hear it. Thank you....Alyx.

Welcome, Alyx. You are welcome to stay in the unicorn forest as long as you like. Many of us are wrestling with gender issues. Some would like breasts and beards; others want neither. A number feel F sometimes, M other times, both still other times, and neither once in a while. Some here have taken hormones with the intention of transitioning and changed their minds. Others have begun a program of low-dose hormones and consider themselves MtA or FtA. All of us want to be ourselves regardless of gender stereotypes.

My daughter has given notice she's not coming home for Passover if I'll be wearing a dress to our Seder (I never had any plans to do so). Actually, my avatar has the only picture ever taken of me in a dress. Three times in the last month, my wife of twenty three years has referred to me as female. So, I must be doing something right.

Anyway, that's enough for now. I am sure others will welcome you, too, and have more to say. For now, I'll just say blessed be your coming, and wish you the best.

S

Alyx,

I do not really have any advice for you. I wanted to let you know that I feel the exact some way as you and I am sure someone else will come by with some good advice. There is a pretty recent dicussion on here that might be of some help to you. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,92179.0.html

Welcome Alyx as a transitioning M2IS/M2GQ /M2WtF / M2A  I understand the confusion as do most of the people who post in the Androgyne part of this forum while we all have different paths to work out where we are my only advice would be to read everything you find with an open mind and think "is that what it is like for me?" everybody is different good luck finding yourself this is a great place for that.

Hi Alyx,
Welcome! I'm not really sure you need any advice. From your introduction it sounds like you know you fit here...it's just scary and unsure. I can absolutly understand those fears and concerns.
I'm Sevan, FtA. I'm on testosterone though I generally go through day to day life as female. My coworkers don't know I'm trans though they think me "butch" which....isn't all that far from the truth!
There are as many ways to find yourself as there are people in the world. It can be overwhelming but we're here for ya!

Welcome, Alyx!

First of all, you're definitely not alone in how you feel...you sound really close to me, except I currently don't have plans to transition (yet...we'll see in the future).  There are FtA (or FtG if you prefer genderqueer)/MtA (MtG) people here.  There was even one person a while back who was MtA and had surgery to make themselves look the way they felt, which was neither male nor female.

How far you want to go is entirely up to you, but I will say that transitioning doesn't mean you have to identify as FtM, nor does identifying as FtM mean you have to fit a certain mold.  The best thing about the unicorn forest is that you can call yourself whatever you want and do whatever you want to make yourself feel comfortable and it's all good.  Accepting people, these unicorns. 

The best thing to do, really, is just accept and love every part of yourself, even if you don't understand it yet. 

Hi Aylx, can relate to what yourself and others had said, new from an early age that there was something different about me, yeah i liked all the male sporty things, but i also liked dressing up in my sisters clothes, just thought at first that i was just a TV, however over the years when i crossdressed i felt like i became someone else, someone i loved being, so the desire to be her became more and more addictive. After a couple of failed relationships, partly due to my desire to be this other person i decided i had failed as being male and my life would be so much better if i became female. Looking back i guess i deceived my own GP and gender specialist into thinking that i was TS, but i managed to be put on hormones which i stayed on for 6 months after which i guess my inner self started to question my TS, yeah i did like my new life as it was miles away from being this male person i hated being, but at the same time i was never going to be happy being female.

So there i was stuck out in the middle of nowhere, didnt like being male, but new i wasnt female either so what was i? Probably took me 20 years or more to find out, but this term andro seemed to be what i could relate to. Been a lot happier knowing what i am, but have spells where the two sides of me are at conflict and i just feel like saying stop the world i want to get off, got it into my head that if i somehow manage to grow breasts then the war inside will stop as i only time will tell i guess. Wish there was just a tablet i could take and be totally "normal" but there is not and never will be, but coming on sites like this and finding out im not the only one who feels this way stops me from thinking that i am some kind of freak.

Hiya Aylx,

It's quite a journey, this finding out who and what we are

It sounds like you have been doing a bit of thinking about this for a while.  When it comes to who you are, there are no commandments from on high.  Nobody can tell you that you must be this or that you cannot be this or that (or this AND that).  All we have is what we feel inside.

Some feel they are male, some female, some both and some neither.  Others just go with the flow and act however they feel at the time, whatever that is.

Quote from: Alyx on March 27, 2011, 05:57:40 PM
I feel, in my heart of hearts, that I am definitely genderqueer, but there are times when I think I am trans, too. My question is this: can you be both at once? How do you come to terms with feeling like you are both genders at times, neither at others? If you want to "pass" as an effeminate male, but you don't mind if people read you as a butch female, what does that mean? Is the answer to my gender identity really about genitals or is it something more?

So, the short answer to can you be both is "of course". 

How do you come to terms with how others perceive you?  Well, that's a little tougher, but to me it all stems from accepting yourself as you are.  If you are happy with how you perceive your gender, then it really doesn't matter what other people think.  (It can hurt quite a bit sometimes, tho)

What does it mean if you want to pass as a male but don't mind being read as a female?  It means you are awesome!  (I'm so jealous).  It sounds like you are looking quite a bit like who you are...someone who lives outside the gender binary.

As far as your gender identity and your genitals...the only thing they have in common are they both start with "gen".  Sadly, most of us are raised as if they have to match and this often causes a lot of pain and frustration.

The point is, nobody displays traits associated with only one gender...we all are a mixture.  The fact that some people believe themselves to be boys or girls is great.  But, sadly, they are the ones who are missing out on the glorious freedom of casting off the shackles of gender restrictions, bursting through the roles and expectations that have held us all captive for too long, and knowing the true peace of being yourself.

(Now, if you'll just make a little donation Reverend Laurry's ministry as the plate is passed around...sheesh)

Hi. Alyx.


Okay the backdrop.

I Spos iv seen a few changes over the years try 63 , 

in the 60 s on there were a few different things going on so if you look back at the 60 s 70 s youll see the flower power gang lots of lovely colours & yes some other things as well . now Jos & i used to look at people & even walking behind some ,

Jos & i would ask each other is that person   male or is she female we both had no idear & when we had a closer look & then face on wed be wrong many times we could not tell . 

Does it really matter . i can dress in what ever way i chose well i have done tho i favor female & yes i do dress in overalls & do  so called male work so whats the big deal  none,  when your a mix who really cares your still who you are. .

I dont care how you dress & nore should you,

in western socity theres just to much placed on you have to dress in this way or that  why because who has that right , only you . how you see your self inside is that wrong , no & who has the right to say other wise,    not one person on this EARTH....

Just do as most of us do , tho its taken years to get there ..BE  WHO YOU ARE .   not what others expect you to be  this is not about any one else this is about who ....YOU.... are ,

Now if your not quite sure ,   so what ,

What im getting at is when you are true to your self youll be happy ., content & you wont need to 2 nd quess your self  ,  if you think in some ways  like i do then mix both sides of who you are..  think about intersex , that applys to this kid. & im very comfortable being who i am  im not just a male or a female im  more than happy being right in the middle , & that where im staying , & if it means being in no mans land then im more than at home there. .

At least i dont have to prove any thing , I know its not for other trans people well may be very few.

I dont conform to the western thinking.. & thats me. go back 500 / 600  years & more & youll see why.
The clothes are so nice, some of them any way.

And  wellcome to our home,   hope you enjoy us as people who are very different from each other yet we get on pretty well. 

...noeleena...

Hi, Alyx! I only identify as MtA to myself. Being on the closet for a while, taking light hormone dosages, I've been thinking a lot about these questions. Fortunately my parents gave me sufficient freedom so I could grow up as I wanted.

There is a lot on your GI apart from genitals. It is possible, being in the same body, to act male-ish or female-ish. And in some cases even if people read you as a butch female, some consider you to be male just for your stance in life. In my case, I struggle some because I still have to maintain some parts of the body untouched for I haven't even told anyone about my... "preferences".

If you have no troubles admitting wearing makeup can be fun sometimes, or no troubles wearing boy t-shirts, welcome to the unicorn forest! Liking both isn't a sin in any way.

Maybe I can go out of the closet sometime. Still haven't bought any clothes, as I don't live alone (separating from current GF). Can't wait But won't be able to shave my legs. Ah.


Laila

From Laurry:  The glorious freedom of casting off the shackles of gender restrictions, bursting through the roles and expectations that have held us all captive for too long, and knowing the true peace of being yourself.

Yahhhh, That!  X a lot!

I hate being read as a butch female.  Assertive, aggressive even, fine, butch, no.  It's not so much wrong as exactly backwards - I wouldn't mind if you, for some reason, were to read me as a girly boy.  I'd rather just be told to cut my hair, I look like a slob, than hate directed at me because of my (perceived) sexual orientation.  There's also a distinct femaleness that still remains in butch appearing women that are quite definitely women, rather than transmen, that I don't want to give off if I'm trying to pass as a guy.  I don't know how to avoid this, starting from bio-female, though.

I'd rather non-binary genders become more commonly known and accepted.