Name's Jason, or Jesse. Still trying on names you see. 25 years young, came out to myself as genderqueer little over a year ago and came out to myself as the effeminate guy I truly am rather recently. Didn't exactly come to me easily. I had a childhood that could have belonged to many types of people, with interest and skill in both math/sciences as well as art, music, and literature. My parents never attempted to limit my interests or activities based upon stereotypical gender roles, and thanks to things like the Internet and my constant consumption of literature (along with teachers & librarians who made sure I had access to materials not all students and library purveyors would be allowed to peruse) I've had plenty of role models of various genders, not to mention an awareness of trans people and genders outside of just 'man' and 'woman.' Through all of this I loved many girl toys, girl clothes, etc. but that's where the similarities ended. I never felt like a girl and always identified much more strongly and consistently with boys and men. My male role models are who I remember most clearly and concisely, even though I know I did not only have men in that slot. Despite my love of dresses, even frilly ones, and the desire for longer hair it was a nightmare to get me through any other 'rite of passage' for women. I hated shaving (and I have plenty of dark hair too,) I hated purses, I hated bras. I did like make-up, but I also gravitated toward alternative cultures like the goth scene early on which in my experience always had plenty of examples of people breaking gender norms with their clothing. Guys in skirts, in make-up, with long hair, even wearing lace. More than anything I've felt the strongest attraction toward effeminate men, and for the longest time I've just taken that to be some sort of preference like being 'gay' or whatever except my attraction isn't the sexual/romantic type or not only that. Far more than that. When I see guys who fit that description I get jealous, I want to look like that! I also took a long detour through feminism and self-education for the past few years, which has been really good for me. But I've spent these years unpacking all this stuff to do with 'am I just dissatisfied with traditional female roles and treatment?' And you know what? No, it's more than just that. Far beyond that. Of course I don't like anybody being forced into some sort of role which doesn't fit, you should only be that girly-girl or manly-man (or effeminate man or butchy girl or androgyne or genderqueer or neutrois or or or...
) if you really want to be. Or whatever you want, you need to be. I have felt that in my bones for a very, very long time. I know I'm a guy, I know I'm not a girl, and THAT is why being perceived and treated as a girl bothers me so much. SO MUCH.
Okay, that was rambling. Sorry.
