Here we go: I'm lying in bed at past midnight, listening to Radiohead and crying. It's not sorrow, really, it's more release - lying here thinking about how I'm impelled to head down a transroad that is guaranteed to make the rest of my life more difficult - but knowing that any other alternative will make me more unhappy. Or less happy. Or however it's best to say this.

And then the irony goes fractal as I catch myself wanting to write this down here, but feeling ashamed because my avatar shows I'm still a bloke and we don't show our weakness.

So I will piss on this irony until it rusts, and I'm happy to say that I'm sad, and I'm grateful for the never-quite-man who got me safely to this ferry point, and I welcome up the newly awakened woman who was so sure of being not welcome that she slept for all those decades.

Not burning bridges, setting sail instead.

To the gorgeous yoxi,
Difficult, yes, but it will make every victory taste so very good.  And it is the striving and fighting for what is absolutely right, that's the very best of humankind right there and what we must do.  I've spent my life doing what was right, what little I could, but it's been so little because I wasn't me, I'm like you so emotional and it's the best way to be  

I'm still me but I'm changing every day, I've missed out on so much, it's time to mature after 36 years.

You're such a beautiful person yoxi

Hugs,
Sophie

Oh before I forget Radiohead is one of my favourite bands from the the 90s early 00s, been a while since I listened, so youtube tonight (I lost all my music when I put it on a PC that got virused Youtube is great though.

Thanks - I was just whistling in the dark, and then got into whistling for the fun of it .

It's funny (both kinds of): the person I'm most afraid of coming out to about this is the man who ordained me, and is a great friend. He gets the front seat in "project your dad", even though he's only 5 years older than me. Oh, actually I'm more scared of telling my ex-wife, but then we don't talk to each other, so that'll be easier!

I've got a whole heap of Radiohead, I'm listening to it on random (so most of the time I have no idea what track I'm listening to) but Kid A is the keystone album for me.

You just reminded me I miss listening to music in the dark, I used to have music playing through the night as I slept (on low volume).

You know anyone who finds it difficult give them some time, you're still there it's a new blooming of a far happier yoxi  
It's hard only one person has ever seen me as me, even though I'm out to friends and family I can't even go to a meeting of trans people yet.  But I'm getting there, laser will help.  You had session booked, have you been yet?

Not got a great deal in the way of wise words Yoxi as I'm having a horrible time but just wanted to say that you are a fantastic human being.

Stay strong hun and you'll get to where you need to be.

TC Mx

Frogkitty is looking quite magnificent today

millie I think you might have abit of the magnificence about yourself too

Ahhh, irony.....

   For me, the greatest example is that those that have been closest to me all my life are the ones most blind to the happiness I've found. I've lost almost all of my extended family and my best friend of 30+ years, yet someone who I've only known for a few years, and watched me transition, stated that I seem so much happier than "he" ever did.... that I have a light in my eyes that wasn't there before and that I'm "so much cooler than he ever was." It's so strange to me that even my sister, who I've always been close to, can't see it.

   I can't sugar coat it..... early transition sucked. One of the mistakes I made is thinking that I could do it on my own. I only have two regrets and they're quite related: One, I wish I had found the courage to reach out and ask for help when I was 13, not 37. ...and two, I wish that I reached out to people when I started transition, instead of halfway through.

  Hah! That irony again! Before transition, I was diagnosed with social phobia.... I was frozen with fear when I needed help most; now that I'm happy and I don't need it so much, that fear is gone.... Go figure

Jessica I pushed my friend of 30+ year away though it was more complicated than that, his father had said some very bad things to me and my friend actually backed him up, that ended that friendship. 

The really horrible thing is I think I loved my best friend, yes a relationship is what we had in so many ways, near the end he was giving me trans signals, wanting to holiday in Brazil go to a carnival dressing as women all as abit of a laugh ofc to him (and why not men having a good time dressed as women ).  I can't say anything about if he was actually trans as he always seemed so male to me, but I suppose I would have seemed so to others.  He was so loyal to his father it could easily be living up to his father's macho image.

Anyway it was a close relationship but it was fundamentally compromised I did all the running I said come visit but he's that lazy but you mention social phobia now I'm thinking he really might be trans.

There's alot more to this I was no saint as I was never even honest with myself about my thoughts, I think I'm being too harsh on myself, I didn't fully acknowledge how I felt until I was 36, anyway I pushed my best friend away and I don't even think he knows I'm out.

For what it is worth, I don't think transition makes the rest of your life difficult. It does become so for a while but that ends and then life is same as ever but more like normal.

Fair enough, I was just in that state of mind last night . It's something to do with the fact of my size and asymmetry that makes it pretty unlikely I'm going to simply pass as female, and I'm not sure how much that's going to matter in my future.

What I was experiencing last night was knowing that, and yet knowing that I'm going through with this anyway - which makes me sad and happy at the same time. It'll mostly be in how I approach it when it happens - and the rest will be in how I approach dealing with other people's responses and reactions to me.

I keep catching myself wanting to be more unsure than I am (because that would give me more time to "stay the same", and because that would placate my friends who are uncomfortable with this apparent "sudden change") - but the more I sit with this, the more my whole life so far runs in front of me and I see how being a man has always been an unsuccessful effort, and I've always wanted something else.

So, on with the motley!

I'm seeing myself just as a person, this is how it's always been for me.  Talking about passing even though I look male right now I don't pass, even if the world says I do.  I pass when I have the balls (lol)to be true to myself.

We all have flaws, if they're physical things that bother us they bother because we think we don't pass in the eyes of the world, but what they think means ->-bleeped-<- nothing, and physical issues they are nothing compared to mental flaws that even the most beautiful have.  Which life is the better one to live?  Looking in the mirror I guarantee if your soul isn't right you wont see beauty, if your soul is right you'll have that happy core, the core that is you.

It was the happy core that made it possible to live decades as a male, time to be true and to have a slice of happiness.

Well Yoxi, if I had to listen to Radiohead I would cry too  ! Jefferson Airplane on the other hand..

I take the attitude that if a thing is not difficult it probably isn't worth doing.  I know I could have done the easy thing and insisted I was a bloke and always had been, but it would have been a waste of a life.

Compared to what I have recently discovered of my father's service in WW2, this is a piece of cake. I am not saying I won't have problems, but they will be put into perspective now.  I am finding that most people are so wrapped up in their own business they don't notice me, or if they do they decide to mind their own business and not make an issue of it.  One advantage of living in a country town I guess.

Karen.

In today's sunshine, I'm feeling a little embarrassed at last night's drama, but it was good to let off steam .

yes it is good to let off steam so no need to be embarrased hun.

Quote from: JessicaR on March 30, 2011, 09:05:53 PM
Ahhh, irony.....

   I can't sugar coat it..... early transition sucked. One of the mistakes I made is thinking that I could do it on my own. I only have two regrets and they're quite related: One, I wish I had found the courage to reach out and ask for help when I was 13, not 37. ...and two, I wish that I reached out to people when I started transition, instead of halfway through.

1. Yes it does.
2. Doing this alone would be very hard, one reason I went so public so early on.

A nearly perfect paragraph

Yoxi: Everything worth doing is worth pouring a tremendous amount of effort into. It's so worth the struggle.

Agreed - as I've said elsewhere here, hard work in good company is just enjoyable .

Getting there. See? Even my avatar has brightened up (and even has some hair... now if I could just get rid of those books...)

And thanks to Liam, I've got rid of that man-flag thing and feel suddenly unburdened

Any thoughts on a name?

I'm going to stick with Padma - it's short for my legal name, and thanks to JK Rowling, people recognise it as a girl's name these days.

Padma, reminds me of starwars Padme haha, it's nice

I've thought about Una but the name Sophie came as a reply to a moment of doubt

Padma I like it

Yeah, but there's no way I'm pulling off Natalie Portman as a lookalike - Sophie is a good name - and means: wisdom .