Seeing other men is like a knife in my chest.
No amount of money will ever give me exactly what they have, what they were born with.
I have an unhealthy amount of envy for them, and I get bitter, resentful, towards any man I see. Even complete strangers.
I feel guilty in a way, but I also do not. I have a reason to feel the way I do.
I work in an all male factory, no one knows about me.
Summer is approaching and that means everybody is wearing just a t shirt so they don't sweat to death in the factory.
Me? I'm still wearing at least a tshirt with a dickies type work shirt overtop, the kind with thick material so the lines of my binder and stuff isn't obvious. Sweating. And sweating gets on my nerves cause when my body temp rises, I feel like my binder consequently stretches out. Making my chest less flat. Which is something I'm anal about.
I see the other guys all happy go lucky, joking around, horseplay, their man boobs no matter how big or small hanging out...still accepted as men.
I get paranoid when I go to the bathroom cause I wonder if they wonder why I always use the stall, and half the time sit down. I know alot of guys prefer to do that, but still.
I feel ashamed. I feel sub human. I feel like everything I see is constantly mocking me. And I'm crawling in my skin. I don't want to be alive most days, but I've said this before and it won't change until I get top surgery. I started saving, but got a long way to go.

I feel like nobody gets it. I feel alone. I work up to 84 hrs a week and shove as much as possible into a surgery acct. Still I feel like its all for nothing, cause my goal is so damn far away. I want this more than life itself, so I can finally live in peace with myself, and stop looking in the mirror and having thoughts of suicide, so I can wear just one tshirt and not sweat to death like a normal guy, so I can be free. I don't hate who I am inside, but the more my outsides mock me, the more I hate myself. I didn't ask for this. I didn't choose this. I just want to be alive, instead of suffocated.

I don't really know what the point of this is. I just need to get it off my chest, cause I don't have family or friends I feel comfortable talking to about this. I have me. that's it.

Relatively new to this, and I'm really sorry I can't actually speak from experience here, but:

What I always like to tell myself is that being a man isn't just having the body, but it's a certain strength and fortitude of mind, the ability to survive hardship and danger, and more than that, to thrive.  Those other men haven't been through what you've been through, and all this pain you're going through is making you mentally stronger than many of your coworkers will ever imagine.  What you live with and through every day is a huge obstacle, and you're already making great strides getting through it.

The biomales have it insanely easy compared to us ftms in the gender arena, but conflict is the forge for true greatness, at the risk of sounding kind of dorky, and you're going to get through this, and you're going to be all the greater for having gone through it.

Anyways, I really hope this helps at all?

I know I'm mentally stronger. Before I started T and couldn't help a whole lot about my body, I just accepted that it made me mentally stronger. But now I'm almost a year on T and the rest of what I hate about my body is gone, besides what surgery can fix, dominates my every thought. All I've ever wanted is to be a normal man. I don't identify as trans, really. I identify as a normal guy. That's why I'm so bitter. I. Just. Want. To. Be. Normal. It dominates my every thought. Literally, it sickens me how much I think about how it must feel to have a normal appendage between my legs. To feel a shirt against my chest, instead of being numb from the bottom of my ribcage up. Maybe I'm irrational or obsessive. But it is what it is. I'm sick of it.

Mate you're not alone. I don't hate the cis gendered men around me - I am jealous and envious absolutely. They take their manhood for granted a lot of the time. They take for granted that they were born with their mind matching their bodies. That they have what they have and don't give it a second thought. And it pisses me off!!

I must have at least 10 thoughts everyday about this very fact. I hate that I have to think about it everyday. That I too sweat my ass off with at least 3 layers of clothing on in a tropical climate and the guys around me just have on their work shirts. And how when someone says the wrong pronoun (doesn't happen too often) - no one around me has the slightest idea of why that pisses me off so much.

I go thru hell every single morning to ensure a flattened chest as best I can - and with what used to be at least a D size that's tough! To show the right amount of bulge without looking like I'm really happy all day, and that it looks realistic. I suffer and struggle to breathe every day, all day - all for everyone else. So they won't get it wrong.

Set your goals and save. I have my top surgery appointment in 2 months. And then I'll set another goal and save for that. But and its unfortunate - I was not born with a male body. And again yes it pisses me off to no end!! It probably always will just that little bit - but mate we have this awesome opportunity to take T and get desired surgeries to make ourselves as close to the men we imagined to be as possible.

You can be a normal guy - hell you are a normal guy from what I can tell!! And like all guys you have a past - it just happens yours has left you with a few anomalies. Try make the most of it mate, and its gonna take time - Rome wasn't built in a day.

Chin up bro,

j.

I feel like that every single day. I hate my current body. I wish so much tht i could be born a guy instead. I have this HUGE amount of envy just because they're men. I feel you man.

Guys, It's not that different on the other side either. I see cis females and I just have an overwelming jelousy towards them. What you want and can never achieve to your complete satisfaction, will always trigger that response. I hate the feeling that i develop towards people just because they was born into the correct body. I'm jelous of everyone who is happy with their gender. We all just have to learn to deal with it, but I doubt I ever truly will.

I only get like that with certain guys, usually the ones who're all huge into the "Men are all horrible" BS. I knew a guy like that, it made me hate him even more because of it. I'm weird (to me at least) because a lot of that hate goes at women. After talking with my best friend last night, I'm thinking I'm somehow projecting my self-hate onto other cisfemales for some...weird reason. Maybe not that weird, really. At the core, I have a tendency to be an incredible spiteful, hateful person.

I do feel that raging jealousy, though, especially when I see shirtless guys.

I feel like that most when I see guys just waste themselves. If I was a dude and going to the gym wasn't some jungle of obstacles, embarrassment and blargh then I would be going and, gah. I am a lazy person, I will admit that, I hope to change it some day and I KNOW once I am on T i will find a purpose, maybe even when I'm a little closer. But I just can't help getting jealous and angry at lazy guys who just waste what they have, mope around like 'oh god nobody loves me boo hoo' go out there and make people love you by being less of a total bum and assweed, k? Damn I'm in a feisty mood tonight. Must be a mixture of cleaning sick off of my carpet and having a sore throat. 

I get really envious of them, too. Like when I'm working out and I see them lift twice as much as I can. . . it seriously pisses me off.

For a while, I actually hated men in general, since I envied them but I didn't want to admit it. I actually went flipping back and forth between hating men because I envied them and hating women because I couldn't stand being placed in the same category as them, if that makes any sense. It was confusing and frustrating as hell.

I project the attitude that I hate everyone in general. Women irritate me. I hate them too, for bassackward reasons I can't explain. Like, how dare you create your kind....why can't we be one goddamn gender...all of us..and eliminate this two sided fiasco.

Good to know I'm not alone. I don't feel as guilty now.

I just feel empty. I am not my body. I'm my mind. And I'm trapped. I can't really say I value my life, because I don't feel like it's really mine. It's some lost....person's. I feel like I'm settling for what I have by staying alive, instead of fighting back and dying in hopes of reincarnation. I'm sick of being the bitch, putting up with someone I didn't ask for or deserve. Maybe that's a skewed vision, but it is what it is. I'm not always this down. Dysphoria is high on the chart. I get my surgery letter May 11th. But the monetary defecit makes me want to throw up my hands and try my luck as reincarnating as a real man, in the correct body. Everybody says oh, you need help. A psych ward can't give me thousands of dollars, so they can't help me. Nobody gets that. Only surgery can completely fix me.

I do envy other men more than I like to admit.  Yesterday I was waiting in a fast food restaurant, and sitting beside me was a gay man in skinny jeans and a tight t-shirt that showed off his chest and abs.  It made me want to walk right out of the shop and to the gym to work on my shoulders.  I would have been a serious athlete like my dad and my brother, but I have hips, my muscles aren't as strong, my body is just generally weaker, and my boobs are in the way.  It gets to me.  But I have friends who have lost their legs, lost most of their eyesight, spent their teenage years fighting cancer in a hospital, and they still love life- and they would get pissed if you said they didn't have full, happy lives.  So, when I'm feeling bad for myself because I can feel my ovaries, I try to remind myself that I still have the luxury of running outside.  Everyone has a history and obstacles to overcome.  Being trans is one of ours.  As has been noted, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. 

Good luck with the top surgery funds.  I know it's difficult to be so patient.  You'll get there eventually! 

That sounds like pre-op/T me.

I went to the gym yesterday. & i saw guys lifting weights so much easier than i did. Each time I think of my body, i just wanna puke.

+1 for you aren't alone.

The kicker for me is the fact I have periods and discharge and get rashes from it all. I just want to be comfortable, and also to be able to pee right.

I have had top surgery, but with the scars, I'm still too scared and self-conscious about not wearing a shirt. I hate that I can't get over it, and be all "I'll be zoned out" "it's not a real man chest" etcetc.

Just you all, chin up. The top surgery is worth the effort, and you guys just gotta put your sights on it. It alone changes how you view yourself and the world.

Dude, i feel 100 percent the same as you, and know you're definiitely not alone, we're all here for you. i get so envious of all guys too. if im hanging out with guy friends, even if i thought i was passing, i look at them and the stubble on their face and just feel like s**t. even like 14 year old boys, which is what i look like, i see them and know their growing and gunna naturally get what i so strongly wished to be born with.

i just try to be thankful though, that i was born in a time and place where its possible to transition, and get as close as possible to be percieved as i feel inside. i hope youre feeling better, and good luck getting to your top surgery.

michael

Quote from: BloodLeopard on April 05, 2011, 07:58:18 PM
Just you all, chin up. The top surgery is worth the effort, and you guys just gotta put your sights on it. It alone changes how you view yourself and the world.

Man, I can only imagine. Every morning I look at all the t-shirts I can't wear anymore and have to hold back the urge to just burn it all. I'm motivated as hell by the thought that someday, I'll be able to roll out of bed and throw on a t-shirt like I used to. It used to depress me, but I've decided that no matter what happens, I AM getting top surgery, and I WILL be damn happy for it.

I'm a naturally born male, and I plan on keeping it like that.

I always wondered if the FTM were envious/angry at us(not trying to sound rude)

And I guess that's understandable. Mentally you're definitely male, that's more than what I can say for alot of CIS males. So atleast you have a few of them beat in that respect.

Just hang in there, I guess.

Yeah.

Honestly what hurts alot lately is that I DON'T consider myself to be ftm. I have to meet with gender team to get my surgery letter in May and I have to write a statement, basically a thing stating when I knew, about my life, etc. And I know that at the meeting, they're all gonna use the words trans, the f word, etc....they don't mean anything offensive by it. But I wish they all knew how it hurts to even say trans. Or god forbid the f or g word. I consider myself a normal male. But not a second goes by that my every thought isn't consumed by not being normal.

I have alot of rage lately. I can usually put it aside, but today I need to punch things, go nuts, in order to even be in the same room with myself.

I know what you're talking about, I had knew this MTF pre op once, and shed become moderately upset anytime we would call her, anything but "her" or "she" or something else female.

To us men sure to look better, nice chest muscles no chesticles to get in the way, can wear what they want to show off their chests.  Top surgery is first on my list.  Men don't get hormone changes every month with everything that goes with them.  No period mess or cramps to handle either.  They can stand to pee so would be so nice when I am out hiking.