Well, I'm sure there are a ton of people here who are aware of my way of transition; probably viewed by many as brave, brazen, and headlong into the fray, and I guess I'd like to address the little things that still eat at me about going completely public so soon.

-I'm doing this at a time of very high financial stress, I am the only provider for my family and between jobs.
-I live in a violent neighborhood rife with gang activity and discrimination.
-I am incapable of full time at the moment by virtue of my body (facial hair especially) and the place I live, though I take every chance I get. I'm absolutely dying to go full time and get on with life.
-I've barely started HRT, but the doctor bills are just too much, and I'm afraid they'll stop care if I scrape up every extra penny I have to move and provide food for my family instead of pay my bill. I'm in the process of finding a sliding scale clinic.
-No one is interested in seeing me as male any longer, but I have to appear as male out of safety, family, and the aforementioned inability to pass without tons of makeup and a wig.
But I'm more of a better person every day

So I sort of jumped the gun. I did not do it out of bravery, I did it because I'm going absolutely insane in the meantime and I needed people to see me and interact with me as me.

Being publicly, visibly trans is not ideal. I'd be okay if that were the end game for me. I'm okay with disclosure, but I'd really rather not wear it on my sleeve. I guess what I'm saying is: Being publicly trans is really, really hard at first, but it's sort of like tempering metal and I'm learning that I'm more okay with it than I thought I ever would be - that's just not where I'm going. I'm sure it will make me better, and once this initial storm has blown over it'll be on with boring every day (awesome) life.

I hope that people look back on all of this in some fond fashion, because I'm bouncing off the walls while I'm cooking over here.

I don't know what to say or do to help you feel better, but please understand I truly wish I could help you in any way possible.  Please PM me if there's any small thing I can do to help.  Seriously.

Caith, you have always been very supportive thank you.

I just need a little love every once in a while. I'm growing so much as a whole person and I feel like any bit of rejection or hardship (though I know these things to be ultimately minor or character building), is the end of the world with all of this being so new.

I think I'm bummed over the rocket ride not being a million miles an hour all of the time  Ahhh, money *sigh.

Edit: * rather I mean a million miles an hour and then done quick.

It is a journey we take one step at a time, but only when we are ready to take those steps. Life and family commitments frequently get in the way, but keep moving forward. Eventually you will make headway and the ride will gain momentum.

Quote from: Melody Maia on April 02, 2011, 04:16:29 PM
It is a journey we take one step at a time, but only when we are ready to take those steps. Life and family commitments frequently get in the way, but keep moving forward. Eventually you will make headway and the ride will gain momentum.

Thanks again friend.

I just go through my periods, I have to remind myself: "just breathe- things worth doing take time and effort." In those moments when I don't feel scattered and frantic I actually make the most progress. I really have to learn to let it happen naturally all of the time.

Emma, there is no right time to begin.  The only wrong time is later.  No matter what you have to do you do for you now.  I am unemployed.  And while I just have me to support, I am moving forward with Transition.

Now is right for you.  You can only grow from here, Sis.

Emma, I'm in the same place as you in a lot of ways. I'm unemployed and the primary supporter of my family. I live in a very redneck town that is not tolerant of diversity. The only way I can cover my beard shadow is with theatrical makeup. Even with the insurance that I pay for every month the bills are starting to add up. Transition for me is not about waiting until the external conditions are right, it's about me needing to do it now.

I was expecting and wanting things to move quicker but they're just not. Electrolysis is teaching me patience. I keep moving forward, slowly, with the physical changes because I feel I have to and everyday I try to be my genuine self in everything I do and every interaction I have. It took a lifetime to put the polish on the presentation of the guy I"m not and it will take time for me to learn how to let my genuine self shine through.

I'm getting more comfortable with the idea of being publicly trans but your right it is really difficult at first. I'm pretty sure most people just see me as a gay guy and most don't care. When I'm in drag and not passing well I just make sure I'm in a safe place until I can pass better. My town isn't real safe so I go into the city where no one cares.

Hugs.

Quote from: EmmaM on April 02, 2011, 04:43:04 PM
things worth doing take time and effort.

I've learned something similar, although my clinical depression spins the same idea towards the negative:
"Nothing good ever happens quickly."

I'm an extremely impatient person by nature.  Impatience is still one of my greatest personal weaknesses.  It is practically a miracle I didn't bite the head off my shrink two weeks ago when she was several days late providing her referral letter. 

All I can say is take good care of yourself, Emma, both physically and mentally.

Emma
I'd like to say I know how you feel but I can't. I have done the opposite and gone very slowly not because I wanted to but because of circumstances.

Even though my "coming out" or transition is slower I still feel the anxiety of being known as "that girl that use to be a guy" You are so much stronger then I. I'm still not sure I can even come out.

I am also financially strapped. Who isn't? I'm hoping I can continue with my laser treatments, but I have to have a house and feed my children.

Just remember, your young, if you have to shift funds or postpone things it may help in the long run.

Take care, and be safe in that neighborhood.

Shelly

I'm so sorry to hear that your life is in such a bad spot right now. Sometimes life sucks, but things will get better. If there is anything that I can do to help, just let me know.

As a side-note:
Have you ever looked at any clinics that offer a sliding-fee scale? You show them your proof of income, and they give you a ridiculously low rate for the care they bill others hundreds for. No joke, I have no insurance and only work part time (hey, I'm in college), my doctor visits are only $25 each, and that includes all bloodwork. And no, this isn't from some back-alley doctor, the care is from a major clinic that operates one of the big private hospitals here in the Twin Cities. Sliding-fee scale clinics are out there, you just gotta look a little bit.

Thanks friends. I just found a sliding scale clinic, and I think I will be able to continue hrt uninterrupted, thank god. Sorry for the abreviated response, I'm doing this from my phone.

Sorry to hear things are less than ideal Emma, but you are looking pretty good in the photo's so that's a start.
Thank goodness we have Medicare here to pick up some of the bill, otherwise I would be in strife , along with a lot of other Aussies.  I don't know what 'sliding scale' is , I assume they bill according to your income?
The fact that you are looking out for your family, as well as making slow progress is commendable.  We would all like to win a lottery and get everything done ASAP, but we have to be realistic in our plans.   When things are all over, I am sure your family will appreciate all you have done for them at the same time.
Have a good weekend, Karen.

It sounds like a pretty nasty situation indeed. But I think you'll have to look to the future. After all this is over, wouldn't your life be excelent? It might be hard now but it is something all of us have to withstand in order to reach our goal of finaly living the way we want. Just remember that at one point in your life you will have to do this, so try to be tough and fight on. Nobody should be able to stop you from becoming happy right?

Comparatively speaking, my life is much more excellent than it was even 4 months ago

Quote from: EmmaM on April 03, 2011, 10:54:43 AM
Comparatively speaking, my life is much more excellent than it was even 4 months ago

Good news to hear, Emma.  Thank you for sharing.

Well, to be honest, I have a poorly paying part time job and assistance, which keeps us afloat. Medicare only pays for these things on a case by case basis and mine apparently isn't the right case. 

Everyone at work knows now. A friend of mine that I can never get mad at shared the video with everyone at work inadvertently by FB. It's okay, I don't care who knows anymore. After about 5 minutes of not being sure how to approach me they all became 300x more friendly than they were before. I've been called a girl several times for my behavior there anyway (though I'm never over the top). They're 100% unquestionably supportive, by the way (most of them). The place where I work is big and old enough to have a history of trans employee friendliness that they take some pride in. Too bad it doesn't pay anything to stay.

/sigh - - - - daydream - - -

Life is better today than it was yesterday! And it will be better tomorrow than it is today. Love you girls!

Just wanted to wish you nothing but the best Emma, I've not started hormones yet.... though I hope to soon.

All the same I can relate to the whole going insane wanting to progress things and perhaps even more so to the money situation.

My goal is to start hormones within the next month, financially speaking that may not yet be possible, as I'll be paying for things like blood work out of pocket and I know the initial blood work isn't cheap.

I'm trying to put back as much money as I can, while still doing things like paying bills and making sure I eat.. as that's kinda important

Good luck in the future, I know you will do quite well and reach the place you aspire to.