With all this worry about having male mannerisms and acting tough enough or cool enough or what not, and thinking about how I've been feeling as much angst and restlessness lately as I did when I was a teenager, something came to me. I thought of how I want to lose weight and live as a guy and I want to play guitar once and for all, damn my lack of coordination I want to play! Then it hit me -- I don't have to be tough or manly or come off as cool, I just have to be me and accept myself as I am. Men are writers and men are musicians, and it doesn't make me less of a guy to be a writer or to love music. Man, my friends are right. I really need to relax and let myself off the hook sometimes.

I agree with your friends, you need to relax, man.

Just wondering, but how did you come to the conclusion that liking writing and music would make you less of a man?

Oh, I didn't. But I was initially thinking writing and music would have to be minimal and take a back seat to my new found interest in boxing & MMA and that if I were going to be a guy, I better really toughen up and come across as a badass. 

... yup.

I don't know but maybe it comes from always having, or feeling like I have a bunch of harsher standards on me than for everyone else. Despite being born female, I guess since I never fit into the size 2 supermodel feminine girly girl mold that women are expected to be, I've always been criticized for being a wuss and have been told to toughen up from all sources. Family, friends, peers, strangers, even boyfriends. And I think I'm as tough as I need to be to begin with, but I take criticisms hard and to heart. So with all the times I've told to toughen up, suck it up, put on my big girl panties, take it like a man, etc. I guess I feel a little bit of pressure to come across as extra tough. Especially once I would come out as an FTM, I kind of do expect to be physically challenged by someone at some point in time to prove that I'm tough enough to run with the big dogs. Since that's kind of been a problem that people have had with me all my life. Everyone thinks I'm a total pansy. So I guess I figured I'd have to fight 10 times harder to prove myself to others once I come out as "thinking of myself as a guy", as I'm sure that's how it will be seen. 

The real toughness is not some Chuck Norris moment, but the mental toughness and physical stamina to 'show up, shut up and do the work'.  It the whole deal of understanding that the pain to some degree is mandatory, but the suffering is optional and no one really wants to hear about either.

Yeah, and remember. Often times when people try to act cool/tough/etc. It shows, and that rubs alot of people the wrong way.

Yeah, and it rubs me the wrong way when people try to act tough/cool/etc and assert themselves over me.  That's why I want to know how to not get that from nearly everyone I encounter. 

Quote from: sascraps on April 05, 2011, 11:00:21 PM
I just have to be me and accept myself as I am.

Yes. This.