Vanna,

Sorry I didn't see this thread until today. I re-transitioned many years ago, and have written about my experiences with this, both here in the forum, and also at my blog. Two articles in particular might be of interest to you; Re-transition http://y2gender.com/index.php?blog=2&p=34&more=1&c=1&tb=1&pb=1 and Stigma of de-transition http://y2gender.com/index.php?blog=2&p=35&more=1&c=1&tb=1&pb=1. Feel free to PM anytime if you wish to talk about this further!

I wish you all the best as you explore your feelings and figure out what is the right path for you!

Z

Sorry, I have been away for some time trying to find myself.  I decided that I should try to live my life as a boy and see how that made me feel.
I spent 7-10 days binding my boobs down, wearing no makeup, neutral clothing and attempting to lower my voice.  I found out really quickly that nobody thought I was a boy... even after I told people I was a boy, they still continued to call me miss.  In a way it was a good feeling, but it was equally as scary.  A part of me was looking forward to going backwards to being a boy... I had all these ideas of how great things would be again.  It turns out that these great ideas are really just an illusion... I can't have my old life back.  Now that I think about it, my old life was kinda crappy.  I guess what I missed about the old me was that I wasn't living in constant anxiety, like I was before I had my breakdown.  So, I am still dressing neutral, i'm not wearing makeup, and I am doing this so I won't care what people think anymore.  In a way I think I was projecting an overly feminine image that wasn't exactly me... I was afraid of being viewed as male for even a second.. and being called he.  After my breakdown though, I suddenly don't care... people may call me what they want.  A part of me wants to be a boy, and a part of me wants to be a girl... and when I let myself relax and present myself as who I really am, I seem to appear female to others.  I even met a man recently who knows nothing about my past or gender issues.  I was dressed very boyish with my boobs bound down, no makeup... and told him I wanted to be a boy.  He laughed at me and said that he doesn't think that's possible.  Again, the moment was equally scary as it was exciting.   However, his words made me realize that I really am a girl inside... and no matter how many hormones I take, how many friends I make, surgeries I have and things I do... nothing can really change that.  It seems the problem I was having was I wasn't presenting myself as I truly am... which is sorta a laid back girl with a boyish side.  Instead, I was presenting myself as a business woman, with lots of skirts, dresses, makeup and such... and I wasn't comfortable as that. 
So, I have decided to stay on hormones for now... I don't want to be a boy, but then again a part of me doesn't want to be a girl.  So, I will just have to be me =) 

And that is precisely what I was trying to tell you in my first post!.

Ah well - maybe you're a kinasthetic learner (someone who has to learn by doing as opposed to being told).

You will find that EXACTLY the same principle applies to whether or not to have SRS. If you don't like your genitals then for God's sake have it and get the peace of mind. You can still think of yourself as part male if you wish, or like me you can just stop analysing it and instead just be yourself.

I didn't have SRS to become a woman - I had it to become ME!

EDIT - Oh - yes - and one other thing. Makeup is not obligatory. I never touch the filthy stuff! However a small maintainance dose of HRT of one form or another IS necessary, irrespective of whether you have SRS, if your testes have atrophied then you will almost certainly need something to stay healthy. Please dont find that one out the hard way. Osteoporosis is NOT nice.

I absolutely love it  

yay Vanna!!

I really think that many take a step back, to make sure that they are going in the right direction.  And many continue on with transition.

I have thought about it myself.  But there is noting wrong with a woman having a boy side.  I still like some of the things I did, but that is just part of me.  Not working at present, most days I don't wear makeup and I don't wear a bra.  If I am going out for some reason then I will do the makeup and a bra.

I am just a girl with a boyish side.  Like many women.

Quote from: VannaSiamese on April 12, 2011, 02:19:51 AMI don't want to be a boy, but then again a part of me doesn't want to be a girl.  So, I will just have to be me =)

Welcome to the genderqueer club! : D

Also check your myspace ; )

Vanna,
  Like these girls said above!  Just be yourself, do not force things on yourself because you think that it is supposed to be the norm.  I believe after more than 4 1/2 months on HRT that I am a tomboy, not a male nor an effeminate female.   I like the way my body is changing and the calmness that is in my mind, yet, I still like to do the same "male" things that I was doing before.  I still like the color blue and the other things I will not divulge as yet.  I still need to come out to more people and physicially develop more.  My family knows and so far all accept.  I need to come out to more friends though.  You all may like the things I do.   
  Tomboy:  A woman who likes to do things that are considered male and dress as or somewhat as a male, but keeps her feminine charm and dresses like a woman on occasion.  I got 2 cousins married to tomboys, they are good mothers/grandmothers, over 50 and sporting buzzcuts!
  Joelene.   

As my signature says... i don't know what i am and i have been post op for 13 yrs.. 


someone give me a name because i don't know what i am     


but one thing i do know is i am me and i ain't here or there to please no one 

... sooo thereeee   

Quote from: M2MtF2FtM on April 12, 2011, 05:38:40 PM
As my signature says... i don't know what i am and i have been post op for 13 yrs.. 


someone give me a name because i don't know what i am     

So beautifully human that it hurts.

Talk about crawling up ones rear and dying there.

We're all insignificant, it's a wisdom many deny and so live it everyday, it's a wisdom some embrace and fly.

All our knowledge is conditional the universe really is quite a big place indeed catch my drift ^^

I wanted to make a short video saying thanks for all y'all have done for me... Your advice and insight has been such a valuable resource for me... and has helped me greatly =)
Video - TinyPic - Free Image Hosting, Photo Sharing & Video Hosting

How could anyone so pretty, so obviously female even think about going back.  But that is your call, even just being androgynous.  You are so cute with that southern accent, Y'all.  hehe

And for one, I am jealous.  You have the looks, the voice and probably the figure that I wish I had.

Be happy, Dear Sister.

I second Janet's sentiments. You are unbelievably adorable. The accent is the clincher! I hope it does resolve itself soon for you.

Quote from: Janet Lynn on April 12, 2011, 11:40:47 PM
How could anyone so pretty, so obviously female even think about going back.  But that is your call, even just being androgynous.  You are so cute with that southern accent, Y'all.  hehe

And for one, I am jealous.  You have the looks, the voice and probably the figure that I wish I had.

Be happy, Dear Sister.

Vanna:

Hon, I must agree with Janet Lynn.  Many of us on here, myself included, wish we had the look, voice and charm you have.  However, we appreciate your concerns in this thread. 

Though I'm like twice your age, these issues bother me too.  You talk about these things keeping you up at night.  Well, you are not alone.  They wake me up at like 4:00 a.m. or so and I cannot go back to sleep thinking about them.  I must say, though, that if I looked like and sounded like you, I believe I'd sleep much easier at night!

Peace, girl.  Hope you can get the answers you seek.

   Lacey

  Yeah, I'm jealous too!  I wished I'd transitioned 35 years ago!  Vanna, you look better today, pretty smile and good voice.  Your cat seems happier to see that you are happier.   I had to weather my dysphoria for over 50 years.  Be strong!  Big Hug
  Joelene 
 

lol sorry, but no way that's a boy in that video

As I mentioned before, reaching the point of not caring what other people think was a major step for me in the right direction. Do whatever you do for you, and not for anyone else. No matter where you go from here, you're on the path to being yourself, and that is the only path really worth taking.

I'll also say thanks back to you, because watching your clip has reinforced to me how very glad I am that I made the choices I did to become who I really am, inside and out. All the best to you dear from a former Southern girl turned Aussie

Quote from: FairyGirl on April 13, 2011, 04:25:22 AM
reaching the point of not caring what other people think was a major step for me in the right direction.

Yes, that is a big step.  Then getting over the fear of things going awry.

Adding to what I said on this matter before, here is something else to consider: For a bi-gendered person, female is the most acceptable gender to live in.  It is much easier for a woman to express masculine traits than for a man to express feminine ones.  It is much harder to defy the gender-binary and be bi-gendered or gender-queer or multi-gendered - than it is to be MtF.

After watching some of your videos, it is pretty hard to believe that you were a boy. If you really want to go back to being a boy, then no can really stop you.  I don't see why you should though.   If you were so happy, then why did you start transition in the first  place?  I don't mean that in a rude tone.  I am just saying that you couldn't have been super happy if you decided to transition in the first place.  It sounds to me that the reason you are feeling bad is because you are feeling afraid of not having any social interaction.  When changing, people tend to miss the perks and comfort of their old lives because they are afraid of the unknown.  Maybe you weren't necessarily miserable, but there are feelings inside of you that you needed to express.  I have just recently come to terms with my own transsexuality.  I fought so hard against being a girl because from about age 1-17, I thought I was a guy and didn't have thoughts about being a girl at all.  Then feelings slowly but surely developed through time.  Now I have to accept that I am now a girl.  My desire to change myself will not go away.  I strived as hard as I could to go back to the way I was before, but it was a no go.  You have had 20+ years of living in society as a man and a very short period as a woman.  You just need to engage in society more as a woman.  It would be good to  let yourself mature socially as a woman before you can really decide on what course of action to take. 

I think one thing to remember in all this is that SRS does not make you a women (or a man, if you're on the other side of the spectrum!). What it does do is physically and irreparably alter your body. For some people, this is a total gift and something they fully accept. For others, they have second thoughts. And for some, they decide that they can be who they are with little to no alterations at all.

No matter what anyone might tell you, living your life how you want and how you feel most comfortable can take many different forms. There's not a specific method or path you have to be following (as others have mentioned).

The people you meet or get close to that get to know you (not just know your appearance or an act you put on for the world) are the people you want in your life. Not those that would judge you. Let go of that, "I wonder what they think of me" that's pulling you down. You can continue to live as you have been without SRS, you can stop taking HRT and see how you feel ... there are many options available to you.