Quote from: zombiesarepeaceful on April 07, 2011, 05:10:38 AM
Yeah.

Honestly what hurts alot lately is that I DON'T consider myself to be ftm. I have to meet with gender team to get my surgery letter in May and I have to write a statement, basically a thing stating when I knew, about my life, etc. And I know that at the meeting, they're all gonna use the words trans, the f word, etc....they don't mean anything offensive by it. But I wish they all knew how it hurts to even say trans. Or god forbid the f or g word. I consider myself a normal male. But not a second goes by that my every thought isn't consumed by not being normal.

I have alot of rage lately. I can usually put it aside, but today I need to punch things, go nuts, in order to even be in the same room with myself.

Just look at it as a small acting job - you have to play the part in order to get the surgery you need. You already are aware they're not using the terms to offend, so just do what you need to to get what you need done, then move on with your life knowing that you'll be a little more comfortable.

I don't consider myself trans/ftm either. I'm just me. Of course I'm not in the system trying to get HRT or surgery either so I don't have to deal with that a lot  but I know exactly what you mean.

As for the other part - being jealous, etc. That's human nature. Everyone does that. Everyone has at one time or another compared themselves to someone else because that someone else had something they desired for themselves. That is totally normal behavior. It's also human nature to want what you can't have ... money, sexual partners, the perfect body, a fancy car ... whatever it is.

I went through a long period of just absolutely hating my body. Then it changed into just wishing I could be "normal" like every other guy. Then resentful at fate or whatever for making me like this - and in my case it seemed to be amplified because not only was I not just a normal guy but I wasn't just a normal girl either. I watched all the people around me who I saw as normal having no problems whatsoever while I struggled. Yes, I absolutely wish my junk functioned 100% the way everyone else's does, but it's just not that way and it's never going to be that way. I can use my imagination and pretend all I want but it's not going to happen. When this realization really sunk in for me I did totally have a meltdown. I hit the bottom of my own barrel and at one point did want to just end it all. Luckily that didn't happen and I realized that once you hit the absolute bottom and don't check out, the only way to go is up. But the hurdle for me became not about the physical but more about the mental. I had to fully accept what I had and what I was and that I was normal for me and no one else. Now, I actually consider myself lucky. For one, I've got to experience a lot of things the average woman OR man never would get to. Two, I'm pretty healthy all things considered. I could have ended up in this body with some serious physical issues but I really didn't. Three, I actually seem to do ok without HRT.

It wasn't easy to get where I am today but I'm glad I stuck it out long enough to get to that place where I'm ok.

zombies, i was actually about 2 start a thread about almost the same thing.   i have a looooooong way away from surgery and wish i wasnt so young, and i may pass as male but i feel like i will nevr be a real guy until i get the right parts. i always feel better wen i becom better frends with guys cuz i feel like im included as a guy. just sum advice, its probly a lot different 4 u cuz yur older but same basic principle i think. hope i cud help a bit.

  aaaww you guys are making me cry lol. My best friend has recently come out as a transman and many of these deep desires and self-loathing qualities sound familiar. I'm anxious and really excited, I know she's going to be much happier as a guy.

I have phases where I get like this. It's not something I can really explain but just this irrational envy for cis males. For me I just try and think about what I can have and what my future holds for me. I used to be bitter and like "Look what you have that you take for granted and I will work my WHOLE life and never have." but that's not healthy and further I don't really know how they feel about their bodies. I think it's natural to be envious of this just like when we were little and jealous of that kid with the toy we wanted but knew we weren't going to get. For me it's just all about processing. I can only be who I am and in a way hating on them makes me feel like less of a man because it just reminds me what I don't have instead of focusing on what I do.