I'm not entirely sure what I identify as right now.

I'm female-bodied, and use female pronouns in every day life, but I've never felt much connection to other women (outside of romance). They seem like something apart from me.

On the other hand, men feel foreign, too. I used to identify really strongly as a lesbian, and macho posturing really bothers me. At the same time, I've always had this internal sense of maleness. I tend to get along better with guys and relate to them more.

But I'm not a butch lesbian. I'm not strong or aggressive or sporty, or what have you. I'm small and geeky. I pass easily for a teenage boy when my hair is short. I pass just as easily as a woman when it's long. It doesn't make much sense to me. I don't mind being called "he" or a boy, it actually makes me really happy. Being called "she" doesn't bother me, since I figure I have a vulva, afterall, but I hate being treated in feminizing ways, like being called a "lady" or flirted with by straight men.

The only person I'm out to otherwise is my ex-roommate, who is cisgender but gets mistaken for a man from time to time. She was the first person I really talked to about this, and she's been really supportive.

Hi AVI

Welcome to the forum.

I've readed your story with interest.
I think you have the feeling of being trapped in the corner and there is no way out.

I also think there are a lot of stereotypes in it, like men being tough, lesbians butchy and so on.
Off course a counselor don't write a letter for hrt in the second session, they are not candybars or something, the impact of hrt is huge and it will change your life forever.

In my opinion you should have more counseling, just to find out where you belong in the genderspectrum.
Once you find out for sure, you can start making a life as a man or a woman.
When you have a good therapist, it's like a puzzel, suddenly all pieces of it seems to fall on the right place, but that takes time.

Well, that's what I think, take your time to make sure what you are and how you can make your life as a happy one.
It's worth it, believe me.

hugs
Annette

Hi AVI, it's nice to meet you. Take a look around and remember, it's OK to be you, whoever you are! Hugs, Tracey

Hi Avi,

Welcome to our little family. Over 6400 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

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Hugs and Love,
Janet 

AVI,

I identify with this so much! I don't really feel comfortable with or as a woman, but there's a lot about masculinity that repulses me, too. I've always been more of an intellectual and a geek as well, which means (for me) that I'm pretty disconnected from my body anyway--it's in trying (finally) to pay more attention to it, and to dressing it, that I realized that, hey, I seem to be trans of some sort.

I know from my brother that cis guys have the same problem--it took him a very long time to find a form of masculinity that suited him; he's never been tough or athletic. But I've confidence that there's an appropriate form of masculinity/femininity/androgyny for all of us, if we can find it!

Welcome from another newbie, and hope to see you around!

Calvin (who doesn't mind being called 'she', either, just not the birth name!)

Thanks.