Hey again, everyone.

First I want to say thanks, again, to everyone who welcomed me. This is the first time I've found a TG forum with a specific place for non-op people. Everywhere else I've been, I've gotten this "transition! transition! You're denying your true self!" BS rhetoric that's infuriating, and worse, only adds confusion to an already complicated situation. So, thanks. 

As for the subject of this post, I wanted to query whether anyone else (or everyone else, and I'm being stupid for even wondering if it's just me...) has 'dry spells' in their TG-ness. That is, do you have periods of time in which you feel completely within your birth gender, with few or no TG thoughts or feelings whatsoever? I have--and have had, for as long as I can remember--spells of this nature. I know crossdressers experience them, and often purge their clothes collections in shame or anger or the (sometimes false) confidence that they'll never want them again. But not all crossdressers are TG, and not all TG people are crossdressers, so I thought it warranted questioning.

This is pertinent to me right now, because, since I made my last post here, another 'dry spell' has begun for me. The last 'rainy season' started just before Christmas last year, and lasted until mid March. Now, it seems, the needs have (almost) completely gone, with only a stray thought, here and there, flitting about like a fly banging itself against a window; then the fly gets out, and I'm left alone again.

I don't mind these dry spells--in fact, I prefer them. I'm more at peace when I'm not struggling with gender. I try to live my gender life one day at a time, trying to be comfortable with whatever gender I feel like I 'am' that day. But those days bring their own complexities and heartaches, and I wouldn't miss them if they went. Does anyone else face these same spells? I'm not necessarily looking for advice--after all, what can be done?--but there might be something to be gained by pooling thoughts on the matter.

So now begins the waiting, the wondering--when will the next rainy season come? And how long will it last? I'd be lying if I said I didn't face the question with some trepidation. 

JH

The breif periods of calm before the next storm?

Yeah.

Hi Judge!
Years ago I use to go through dry spells but I was running from who I truly feel I am. So I see-sawed a lot and purged many times only to go out the the very next day to buy new wardrobes. Now that I accept who I am and have a wife who accepts me I no longer struggle with my GID or longing to be female. I do however still struggle with accepting the fact I may not ever be able to transition. My feelings now are actually stronger now than they have ever been and I just try to deal with that from day to day.Some days are much harder than others. But because my wife is so accepting and allows me to dress whenever I want (which is pretty much everyday) it makes things a little easier. Because at least I can look in the mirror and see the woman I truly am.  But my longing to be female is always there now and I don't think that will ever change.

Katrina:

I don't understand. How can you say you're GID is not a struggle, when right now you're struggling with the possibility you can never transition and dress every day? Is it only not a struggle because you indulge it? Also, if you're already dressing every day, and your wife accepts it, why don't you transition?

Thanks for the reply all the same I am still in my dry spell. I like dry spells. I always feel most at peace.

JH

Quote from: JudgeHolden on April 19, 2011, 09:55:44 AM
Hey again, everyone.

As for the subject of this post, I wanted to query whether anyone else (or everyone else, and I'm being stupid for even wondering if it's just me...) has 'dry spells' in their TG-ness. That is, do you have periods of time in which you feel completely within your birth gender, with few or no TG thoughts or feelings whatsoever?
I don't mind these dry spells--in fact, I prefer them. I'm more at peace when I'm not struggling with gender. 

JH

Welcome Judge

Yes,I have them.And i can understand why they are preferable.For peace in my mind is why i would purge the clothes.I honestly and wholeheartedly believed that i had been rid of it as time would pass without even a thought of it,the more time passing,the more safe i felt.I never understood that this is a life long condition.It's only been the last couple of years that i am coming to realize this.The rational part of my mind would always ask "why are you doing this".But i knew i just could not stop it once it is in motion.I believe this part of me is in my subconscious mind.The  subconscious is the "heart' of the mind,the rational side is really nothing,just there to make calculations based on learned experience

I use the dry periods to assess where I am. I do welcome them because it puts life in a proper perspective.  Whether or not we feel it, we still are who we are.


Gennee

For me, it depends a lot on the current definition of gender and the current cultural limits of expression. If I (and those close to me) consider genders to overlap, so that it is "natural" that some male-bodied people are more "feminine" that many female-bodied people, that ease any urge to transition. The seventies were wonderful. I still have a pair of men's high-heeled shoes, blue with red piping. Purses were sort of in fashion, at least in Europe. I have a shirt with little squirrels running through the pattern. Mail-order stores sold shirts in the same design, size, and colors to men and women.

But, if we're talking about sharp differences in the construction of the brain, I know my brain is in the wrong body. And if the culture veers off to the right, making sharp distinctions in gender expression, I get increasingly restless.

Then there is the question of being accepted. Tonight, I am dining with a new group of women, who emailed my wife to check whether I was OK being the only male-bodied person. My wife and I laughed, but then she wondered if my presence might be inhibiting in case the conversation turned to menopause. We'll see.

S

What a nice honest post!.. this is ironic, as several years ago a good friend that was TG was trying to help me to understand and accept who I was. She gave me a cassette recording of a gender therapist speaking about "GID cycles" I can still remember it to this day wher the Dr said "transexuality is cylindrical by nature"  and she went ot discuss it. I can tell you where I was when I heard it as it was the first time I actually realized that I really was TG. The whole GID thing is so confusining becuase it plays tricks on you which effects your acceptance of it. Acceptance is everything,, and I for one can say.. you think your there you have accepted it, made a plan on how to deal with it, then another excuse shows up which puts doubt in your mind and takes you back to square one (or Two)..  one thing for sure it always comes back and I know I cant judge how bad it will be

Quote from: JudgeHolden on April 19, 2011, 09:55:44 AM
As for the subject of this post, I wanted to query whether anyone else (or everyone else, and I'm being stupid for even wondering if it's just me...) has 'dry spells' in their TG-ness. That is, do you have periods of time in which you feel completely within your birth gender, with few or no TG thoughts or feelings whatsoever? I have--and have had, for as long as I can remember--spells of this nature.
JH

I've had these sorts of dry spells, too. Wish I knew why, of course, I wish I knew why I have the wet spells (?) too.

JH- I have had these dry spells too. Sometimes they are self inflicted but most of my life has been a dry spell due to lack of understanding until recently. If I may...The Evolution of Lana: I knew at a very young age that my sneaking of my sister's bras and wearing them stuffed with socks was something to be secretive of but didn't know why I was doing it. My first Halloween memory is going to the community party as a girl but didn't know why. I discovered tucking as a early teen but didn't understand why that was possible or why anyone would need such a talent. In college the first time around I had a dream which introduced me to what would become my femme name but I didn't understand why the name meant something to me then.   I got married. A few years later I started having urges to underdress but still didn't know why. With the advent of the internet, I began to try to understand what was going on in my head. Then came the beginning of my awakening. I began looking for answers to questions I didn't understand which led me to the degrading lifestyle of the Porn Industry's ->-bleeped-<-s. UGH!!!! Definitely not the answers I was looking for. So I stole a nice blue lacy set from my best GGfriend and would wear them in private. This went on for several years. It would go away and come back stronger and with a little more understanding. I began to spend a little money; a gaffe, a real-feel (not really) bust of Jenna Jamison and butcher it up in an effort to create part of what was missing from my body...waste of time and money. I got the nerve to buy some concealer and some lipstick. I tried to do my make up from my wife's basket of goodies; wasn't very successful but decided to go outside the apartment in femme anyway. A pair of my wife's 3 inch wedges, a pair of my slacks and a purple silk shirt, also mine. I had natural hair to the middle of my back and it looked good    and I drove the trash down to the dumpster. No one was around but the point was that I went out. I get out of the car and suddenly out of nowhere here's another resident with her trash. I'm 6' 3" in flats, dressed up to take the trash out?, and maybe not that well put together. She looked at me and smiled and said Hi, I think I smiled and whispered Hi back. I'm pretty sure I got made. But dammit I did it...   Not long after that I decided that I was confident enough to out to my wife. We went to bed; I lay there quietly trying to decide how to do it. She asked me what was the matter and the first thing out of my mouth was I want you to teach me how to do make up. She asked if I meant like to become a beautician or cosmetologist and I said No, for me.  I poured all this out to her and she was cool with it. Stay out of my closet; don't tear up my shoes... I was elated!!! I had read it was so much more difficult than that and that spouses never accepted us. The next night she had a meltdown come bedtime. She was scared, shamed, insecure, embarrassed and probably a host of other emotions that came down to the fact that she didn't know who she would be coming home to. Not knowing about setting up rules or guidelines I accepted that purged my collection of goodies, cut off two feet of hair over a six-month period, nearly lost my wife as well as my best friend and his wife in the process. I considered suicide and instead went on anti-depressants. I had a car accident, lost my job due the time missed from migraines, and gained thirty pounds in three months. We eventually had to move because one income just wasn't paying the bills. We moved out of state to live with my mom (whole 'nother Soap Opera) because that was about the only option. I was already enrolled in a technical college before the move and transferred. It was there that I met a wonderful woman who was also in a strained relationship at home and we got together a couple times. A fact I am not proud of but it is fundamental to the evolution of ME. Somehow I ended up telling her about nearly every aspect of my life. Turns out, her ex was a CD and my story wasn't that crazy after all. She turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to either of "us" outside the birth of my daughter. She has been so supportive, helpful and I guess enabling. But in a good way. With her behind me, sometimes literally, I built up quite a collection of goodies. I was outing to friends/classmates and had decided that I was going to out to my entire Psych class when our Final Project was to choose a psychological condition to present orally. I chose GID because I didn't have to think about it much. However, there were two idiots in the class laughing about some facts like a couple of ten-year-olds learning about Lake Titicaca and I was afraid if I outed I would have to kill them. So, I didn't out to the class but rather started a Facebook page for me to express my femme. It feels good to be able to post pics and likes and be a silly girl and even respond to my male counterparts' posts and vice versa. I'm too old and too broke to transition. If I had my 'druthers, I would likely have top surgery and do HRT. If something drastic happened and I suddenly found myself single I might reconsider but for the time being I am stuck No-Op... hiding, dreaming, wishing...   Hugs, Lana B.

sorry, haven't been here in a while and missed this post.

No, I struggle with presentation every day-never want to present as male-ever. I can tolerate it to a degree but not willingly.

Randi

I look at dry spells in a positive light. You realize that you are further along now thanyou were a while back. Also life is not one constant activityu quiet respite. In today's society such a thought is really frowed upon. Look at all the stressed out folks in the world because they don't take the time to enjoy the moment that they are in.

Gennee