I can look back 3 years and know how far I have come already, and that I can say a lot for how much times have improved since. However, some days I wonder if all the struggle is worth it in the end. I've had some major breakthrough discoveries with myself and my gender in the past 4 months, and have been making progress, but still struggle with anxiety, apathy towards everything (including gender), and just generally moving forward. Because I have a difficult time of fully expressing my feelings in words to anyone, including my counselor, we're at a holding point because while my counselor said she very much believes me and everything about my gender conflict, but we have to get things to a point where the endocrinologist I'll be seeing will say I'm ready. We're writing my HRT letter, and she wants to be able to have a good solid foundation to write, and she is asking me about things I want to be in this letter, and we're not quite at that point yet where it will tip the tables for the endo.

Part of our focus now is she made a point during session that I have a very strong focus on keeping conscious of time. (we knew this for a while) However, she wonders if that strong focus has been affecting our ability to really utilize the time we have in counseling most effectively, and that it could be affecting my ability to live in the now with this. Additionally I think about it in broader context and see this in all parts of my life, I keep track of time so precisely that everything is planned out...and maybe this could be totally ruining my ability to socialize and more easily integrate with others. She said that I can rely on her to keep an eye on time during session and that I can let my guard with it down and just talk it all out without thinking about the time.

Sometimes I become...uncomfortable when someone tries to suggest things for me to do like this, but I know that I have to break my barriers and move forward. It's very frustrating that I am so socially retracted and distrustful of people, and I want to break this but it's been very hard. Apathy and anxiety seem to get in the way of understanding how I feel, how my life is the way it is....and I just want to break free. I think I'm my own hardest critic here and trying to see past it is the tough part, I just wish the light at the end of the tunnel could become more visible....Being in a perpetual holding point for months, even years, is becoming very painful and I just grow tired of it. I am not in a place where I will cause harm to myself...however, life just feels like a prison a lot.

The Buddhists say:

Before enlightenment: Chop wood, carry water
After enlightenment: Chop wood, carry water

Which is to say all of life is an uphill climb, the work never ends, but there is - or can be - constant progress toward the goal, and just because you're never going to reach it, is no reason not to keep walking toward it.

QuoteLife feels like is a constant uphill battle....

I fixed it for you.

Look at the bright side of things:  compared to most of life, humans have it extremely easy.  You could have been born a ground squirrel, or a toad.  If you think life is an uphill battle, start observing how the rest of life does it.

Humans are spoiled brats.  We complain about how hard our gender issues are.  In the meantime, there is a squirrel in someone's yard somewhere which has just been ripped to shreds and consumed by a hawk.  Yet the squirrel struggled at life and did its best despite the ludicrous odds stacked against it.

Life isn't supposed to be pleasant.  That is just a fantasy created by people who haven't studied what life actually is, and what life actually does.  If you want life to be pleasant, you have to make it that way.  Otherwise, life is what it is:  a bunch of creatures doing a bunch of stuff in their own perceived best interests.  Just like every other being on this planet, you have to MAKE life work for YOU.  Apathy is just a symptom of your not having made life work for you.  In order for life to work for you, you have to work at life.  Improving your life is very hard work.  If you go into improving your life apathetic, you probably won't see much improvement.  What you need is absolute focus, and the willingness to ignore everything that won't improve your life.

no one ever said life would be easy peasy.  Life is a matter of choices, decisions and slaps in the face.

Life is only what we can make of it.  If we make it hard, it will be hard.  If we make it easy, it will be easier, still hard but easier.

Quote from: findingreason on April 19, 2011, 10:25:40 PM
I can look back 3 years and know how far I have come already, and that I can say a lot for how much times have improved since. However, some days I wonder if all the struggle is worth it in the end. I've had some major breakthrough discoveries with myself and my gender in the past 4 months, and have been making progress, but still struggle with anxiety, apathy towards everything (including gender), and just generally moving forward.

We are all struggling with something including non-trans persons.Some days i feel like i am just getting lost in the world.I never had this feeling before.I always had "thing's" to keep me going.Even small things,but more often now, i have periods were they just don't make me feel good anymore.This is just my opinion but,I don't think this is related to your gender issue.I mean who the hell would'nt get discouraged or depressed with the state of the world today.People are becoming more ignorant by the day.the country (usa) was on the verge of economic collapse not so long ago.The television is trying to turn you into a mindless zombie "consumer".Everything is polluted.Yes, the emotion turns into hate of the world sometimes for me.But i learned to turn it into a fuel.It powers me even when i am tired,into doing what??.Sometimes coming here to susans and replying to the new people who are confused and need help.Or sometimes i just say ->-bleeped-<-'em all and just get all dolled up in my favorite outfit,and go out and have a few drink's,or sometimes more than a few .You never come back after you die(i know its debatable),but i try to live by that. Take it easy on yourself,your at where your at.... LIVE...The hell with what other people are telling you what to do or to think,if you don't like this counselor then find a new one.And don't gravitate toward people who are going to blow sunshine up your ass.