Ok here's my long story.

I'm 28 and have never felt like I identified as female.  And the draw towards male things is more of a draw away from femininity... not a desire to become a dude.  And as I'm sure many here understand, this has caused problems my whole life.  Particularly with not fitting into the stereotype my parents really wanted for me, and never being comfortable with my own body.  A swimsuit is a horrible thought, locker rooms are disgusting... etc etc

I've been with my husband for around 10 years and we're absolutely sole mates.  He's a little more on the effeminate side and very accepting.  That's probably why we're a good match.  Well we decided to start a family as the next step in our lives.  We've always wanted to be parents, that's a given.  And ta-da I'm due any day with our first. 

The first thing I had to cope with was not being comfortable in my own skin.  I didn't want to do any classes or groups with preg people - seriously they're sooooo girly.  I don't want people to see me with that giant belly.  And I'm trying my best to not make it a big deal.  I do have some friends that make a big deal when I eat certain foods (the exact same yakisoba I always order), or go to the bathroom (less often than people around me).  I really am trying to not do too much different than I normally do and I hate it when people tell me I'm only doing something because I'm pregnant - sheesh.

The next coping thing is that the ultrasound indicates girl.  I'm still clinging to the hope it was wrong, but I kinda know in my heart.  I've found some gender disappointment forums and talked to others who have strong preferences for one or the other.  But it feels like they don't get it in that they just want little girls who will be super close to them forever and they can dress up in frilly girlie clothes.  It's really hard for me because gender is everyone's first question, and it's hard to fake the excitement.  I've been getting gifts that are soooo damn pink it's disgusting.  Even before knowing the gender I collected tons of baby stuff and made a point to get very gender neutral items.  Clothes that say "#1 sport" and really boy clothes were out too.  And even before knowing the gender I had bought some dolls, dress up clothes, and a play kitchen - boys should have access to these things too.  It pisses me off that people keep warning me not to force this "girl" to be a "boy."  This has been a struggle my whole life, no way I would force something that isn't them onto them.  Very frustrating.

My big fear coming up is breastfeeding. I know how important it is and I have every intention of BFing.  I'm just worried that I wont be able to handle it.  Has anyone here dealt with that before?  The problem is that it's sooooo girlie and there isn't anything about it that isn't girlie.  I hate seeing other people BFing and just get disgusted looking at it.  I don't even like seeing the animated avatars on the baby forums.  I don't want to be seen BFing, and just don't know what I'm going to do.  Seems like a terrible reason to not BF and I really want this kid to get a good start in life.  Anyone else go through this? 

Yes, I've gone through something similar--from the male-bodied side. For years, I dreaded having a boy baby. The first was a girl, who though we gave her trucks, preferred dolls. She eventually graduated with a degree in chemical engineering, worked for the EPA for years, and now works in patent law--and has two children.

But the second was a boy. I had worried I wouldn't be "man" enough. He never has had any interest in sports. He did play a lot of Dungeons and Dragons, and is very quiet and self-contained. He now lives with his female friend, who is amazed at how sensitive he is, and how good he is with her little girl. My first wife, his mother, warned him to be careful not to grow up like me. He grew up very much his own person, likable, hard working, intelligent, but never finished college, and doesn't seem ambitious to "get ahead."

The third, a girl, grew up fascinated by makeup, though her mother wore none. She has a degree in linguistics, teaches high school Spanish, and has a daughter.

I was married to their mother for 24 years. I have been married to my current wife and best friend for 23. She worried about having children because she was uncomfortable around little ones. When she was pregnant, we went to a basketball game so we could skip the class on C-sections. Her choice; she was sports editor of her college newspaper, a marathon runner, and always feels she could do a better job of calling games than anyone other than Keith Jackson.

Two days after coming home from our daughter's C-section, she was making calls in support of our graphic art/technical writing firm. Her doctor was not happy. Breast feeding was nearly her downfall; no one at the hospital knew how to advise a woman about breastfeeding after a C-section. She did stick it out, and was eventually successful.

My wife almost never wears makeup or heels, prefers pants, and has always worn her hair short. Our daughter would sit for hours sketching fashions. She is studying theater in college and has a Manhattan debut coming next month. Still, she likes camping, kayaking, and hiking.

Watching children grow to become independent individuals is an amazing set of experiences, well worth some angst. And while my youngest threatened not to come home for Spring break if I were wearing a dress, she really is quite accepting of who I am. A friend of mine wrote a song with these lines about parenting: "It's not the thing I do best, but it's the best thing that I do."

Wishing you the best,
S

Yeah, been there and done that except I have two little boys.  I know this may seem unhelpful, but it's the most honest I can be--  My advice: don't worry about it.  Honestly, you'll probably be too exhausted and hormonal to think even half straight, and won't have the energy to worry.  Life is about to get really insane and you'll be fine.  My milk never came in with either of my boys although I did try for weeks (both the natural way and pumping) but the actual act never bothered me even though I thought it would.   If the act bothers you, you can pump.  If you just can't handle it, you don't have to   It will be what it will be, and whatever happens is fine.

One other thing is that people think they can say and do anything before the baby is actually here.  It's as if there are no limits.  However, once you're actually a parent it seems people magically shut up about a lot of things.  Granted, there will still be a few but 95% of the busybodies will shut it.  My boys have playfood, stuffed animals, and anything and everything else they want including lots of legos and trucks.   There's nothing wrong with being well-rounded

Good luck!

Hi mrspopo-
If you've not read "X: A Fabulous Child's Story" by Lois Gould, now would be a good time to do so!
http://gender-sphere.0catch.com/baby_x.htm
To me, this story beautifully illustrates what it means to be an Androgyne.
Enjoy!

And yes, I know exactly what you mean about gifts that are soooo damn pink it's disgusting. Gift that are soooo damn blue are no better. As you already know, our modern culture tends to bestow gender upon babies instead of realizing children have their own gender. I was a happy gender neutral child who became a happy gender neutral adult. Pink wasn't my thing and blue wasn't either. I preferred human things, gender neutral things, genderfree things... and I still do. 

Wishing you, yours, and your soon-to-be-born the very best of all possible things.
-Emerald

Aw, thank you so much.  It's helpful to hear from people that really get it... that gender doesn't define you.  I'm so sick of people coming up and asking the gender.  "Oh, a girl, oh girls are so precious and beautiful."  When I do try to explain that I'm not thrilled about a girl I hear "oh she's going to be just so girlie and frilly" - as if that makes me feel better. 

X is a wonderful story   I've always felt like I didn't identify much as female... but lately I realized it's not really a want to be male either.  In an ideal world I can just be who I am free from labels and assumptions.  I guess I kinda realized it when I started going through bags of baby clothes people gave me.  The boy bags were too boy, and the girl bags were too girl... anything with sayings on them was out.  Instead I just picked out the whites yellows and greens from both bags. 

We have pet parrots.  I think the great thing about this is that most of them are breeds you cannot tell the gender.  Typically you have to have a blood test to find out or see if they lay an egg.  I like that we really don't know the gender and just let them be who they are. 

I think part of the problem for me is that my parents tried so hard to force girlie things on me and it was such a painful thing.  Maybe that's why I'm so disappointed to have a girl and be expected to put all those pink things on.  I don't mind leaving things as they are, but it's the rest of the world that has to classify and impose standards.  Sheesh.  I think everyone should read the story of X.

Thank you for the support.

I think it's perfectly all right if you refuse pink gifts or ask people not to give you pink clothes.  Girl or boy, it's your kid and you have every right to dress the child as you see fit, even if it hurts people's feelings.  Some people just don't understand if you're nice about it and some people won't mind their own business unless you tell them to.  ...but then again, I'm just not a nice person, so yeah. 

I don't have kids, but I've gotten similar remarks about myself and my complete unwillingness to have a wedding and other girly things like that.

I have two girls. We never pushed gender on them. When they were in grade school, they stayed pretty gender neutral. But, they also grew up with an animal rescue operation that focused on horses. Frilly in the barns just doesn't work, although one of them couldn't see why she couldn't wear her girly stuff in the barn. Such is teaching your children that gender doesn't mean a thing when it comes to the truly important things. One is pretty outgoing and girlie, but still goes out to the barn to help clean stalls. She also just loves to scratch and rub the animals, so she always comes out full of animal hair and an occasional feather or two. She's been a national champion several times showing some of her animals, and has done national modeling. The other one we decided she could be the barn manager at 10 yrs of age. She is pretty much a barn rat 24/7. She's also been a national champion in several equestrian disiplines, and is currently being tutored by a former olympian in yet another disipline. She is determined to be the youngest gold medalist in equestrian olympics. She's quiet and doesn't give a crap about anything girlie, unless she has to. She's also been excepted at a local college, and expects to have a 2 yr degree when she also graduates from high school in 2013. She does go to high school, but also does as much education online for both high school and college, as needed because her schedule with horses interferes. She's currently being tutored out of state. She has already been excepted by an equestrian college when she graduates high school. Neither of them see much difference in gender. The younger one is very religious. But, if you ask her what religion, she'll tell you none. She has a relationship with Jesus Christ. She knows that all religions interfere with your beliefs, one way or the other. Just like gender interferes with your relationships with all people, one way or another.

A guess you can tell i'm pretty proud of my girls, but the point i'm trying to make is that I think being brought up as genderless as is reasonable, they also see that the so-called differences between race, religion, and the like are smaller than the people themselves.
They have taught me a lot about being that way, also. They break those ways I was brought up about differences in people.

I hope the next generations will teach the ones before that just being a person is the most important thing about us all, as well as the next generation.

I'm old enough now to be able to see a few generations of people. Each one better than the one before.

Teach your children well.

Update:

Healthy baby girl, now 5 days old. No complications and we are just thrilled with this little angel.  I still feel tinges of gender disappointment, but this baby is still absolutely wonderful. 

I'm struggling with breastfeeding and some of the overly "mother" comments.  I hate being seen breastfeeding and I hate it when people point out the motherly things I do.  We have foster kids, and I prefer to be called foster parent or foster care provider - I hate foster mom!  I just have a hard time taking on this mother role since it's sooo frick'n girlie, I love being a parent and I wish it was just as simple as that.  Oh well.

I'm really glad I found this forum and I hope to stick around a while.  What an awesome group of people

Mazel tov and congratulations. May the little one grow to be bright, feisty, and independent.

If you don't like comments about mothering, just think what it means in our culture to father a child. I, too, prefer the word parenting.

Thank you for letting us visit. I, for one, am glad you found us. From what I've observed, breastfeeding takes a lot of practice. If you can do more things by breast feeding in public, that is worth a little embarrassment.

Hugs,
S

Congratumalations.

Hope you two have lots of fun together in the future.

Congratulations!

Congratulations...hope things go wonderfully for your whole family

......Laurry

maybe

congratulations on your bundle of joy & welcome to the androgyne forest