I've done a lot of reading on Susan's and other sites as well, and I've read a lot of people's stories and posts where the talk about their bodies, severe depression, and even how they see their old self after transition.

When I think of my own story there are many elements I identify with; the daily 'dysphoria' about my body, wishing to be the 'right' gender (and all that means), and seeking the path of transition automatically before I even knew what that was. I've also dealt with depression on and off through my life over my gender incongruence.

But there are a lot of stories I read that seem more extreme than my experience. Those who had such an extreme time that they needed to mutilate themselves, or attempted suicide, or say they "hate" their bodies or their "bits".

I went through a stage just when I was starting puberty where I considered mutilating myself, and I certainly have felt discomfort with my bits my whole life. But I don't think I've ever "hated" my bits per se. I've wished I had a different configuration, and I can honestly say that when I look in the mirror I've never felt like "me" (sort of disapproval of myself). Even when my mom would tell me how handsome I was I felt like a fraud.

But I haven't ever hated myself, I haven't had feelings that were that strongly against my body. Even when I felt myself sinking into deeper depression and despair over being a man I don't know that I started hating my body. Of course, as soon as I felt myself sinking into dark thoughts (like that my life wasn't worth it, and that I was a fraud) I went out and got help. So maybe I would have ended up in a really dark place that others are describing.

But I guess I haven't experienced dysphoria at the same extremes as some others.

In my case I know I need to do something, because to keep living as a man is a fraud, and I feel so much better being me. When I ignore my gender incongruence it makes my life so much more difficult. It's disappointing for me to live a lie. I desperately want to reshape my life into how I feel it should be, and live my lifelong dream. But I don't hate my past, actually I feel some gratitude for the life I was given, despite the pain associated with my gender identity.

If I don't transition will I commit suicide? I honestly don't know. I have people in my life that I love so much I don't think I could do that to them. If I had to choose between living life as a non-transitioned trans person, or not live life at all would I choose death? I can't say that I would, because apart from the cloud that hangs over me from being in the wrong gender, I am surrounded by beautiful people, and many wonderful memories with them.

I don't feel "attached" to my male bits, or my male body, and I certainly disapprove of it when I look in the mirror. I cannot wait until things feel right. But I don't hate my body, my life, nor my past either I don't think. Those things just are what they are. I will change what I can, and accept and learn from what I cannot.

Does this sound weird to you?

It means you're lucky; I don't feel exactly the same as you, but it's not fair to judge normalcy based on what you wrote. You're no less transsexual than the rest of us who identify that way. We all have our own doubts, quirks, and hopes. Merely because your life doesn't sound like that of someone else, doesn't make you or your situation weird in any way. We don't welcome elitism here anyhow.

I think everyone experiences things differently.

My son has no disphoria ... he will even tell you that.  He still is trasitioning to male.  He doesn't even know if he wants top surgery b/c he enjoys the sensation he gets from them...

I on the other hand can hardly wait for to get my chest reconstructed.  Have had disphoria since puberty.  Never enjoyed sex until I was able to experience it more like a guy

So ... each to their own.  There is not a set standard of being transgender.  I just think disphoria is stronger with other ... doesn't mean someone is more or less trans .. she a whole spectrum.

Trans people are, by definition, abnormal: We do not fit into society's norms about gender. If we did, we wouldn't need a support group to talk about it. Of course, being abnormal is actually a good thing. I would hate to live in a society populated only by normal people. How dreadful that would be. Luckily, most people are abnormal. In fact, I might go so far as to say it's pretty normal to be abnormal. I think I might have met a few people in my life who weren't abnormal -- they're weird.

As for "hating your body" or not, I wouldn't worry about it. I think that part it has to do partly with your definition of "hate," partly with the tendency of people to want to fit their experience into a shared narrative, and partly with differing levels of intensity of physical, social, and other kinds of dysphoria, which probably depends a whole lot both on innate biological factors and on social conditioning. I would say that your situation doesn't sound all that different from mine ... yet I would also say I that I definitely hate my bits.

Nope. You're perfectly normal.

I didn't/don't hate my body either, and if someone told me I couldn't transition, I don't know that I'd be driven to suicide either. (Of course, you never know if it gets so bad somewhere down the line) I also had a lot of the things are what they are mindset.

But I do know that I'm trans, and I do know what my gender identity is, and I do know that my life is so much better for having gender congruence now.

There are a lot more of us out there than you might think. There are people who have different levels of dysphoria and people who themselves fluctuate with how dysphoric they feel. Sometimes it seems like extreme dysphoria is more common because people tend to reach out for more support at the times when they are feeling the most dysphoric.

Anyway, don't worry about fitting some specific narrative or hating your body or yourself or anything. That's not what makes you trans.

I hate to think I was a 'normal' anything.

Personally, I don't hate my body, I just hate what the ugly bit has done to it.

i know think might be kind of odd topic but whenever i look at my self i wonder who that is looking back at me i dont dislike or like my body or anything but i cant see me anywhere? im confused allmost eveytime i look at my self and wonther who that is i know it . sigh im not good at enplaxining myself i cant see my self as male in this body for some reason. i can my mind is rejecting my body so much that it is trying to blank it from my mind. sure gives me an head ace. i know im not normal but i like to act like am normal.

Sounds similar to how I felt before I transitioned.  I've been wondering about the causes of it sometimes and whether my naturally high eastrogen levels somehow protected me from feeling more dysphoric.  At the end of the day though if you feel happier after transitioning then it's right for you.

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I've just got this delay before I start on E, and so I go through phases of being worried about transition. Sometimes I'm excited about it and feel very confident, sometimes I feel like I'm a fraud, but I feel like I'm a fraud being a man too. And it varies during the day too

Anyway, I am waiting a bit to get the fertility question taken care of (store sperm, or find out I'm sterile) before I move forward. Then I'd really like to lose a bit more weight before starting so I'm in a little better health.

But I also feel like the delay is making me waver, and experience a little anxiety, and doubt myself. I bet one day I'll look back at these posts and think how silly I was to ever doubt how I've felt pretty much my whole life. Still, it's hard (as you all know).

I don't think I have ever hated my body. I have often wished that it was different yes but at the end of the day my body is a good one. It gets me to work, it gives me pleasure, it doesn't hurt me, I can function normally in all areas of my life and in society. I really have nothing to complain about. I consider myself lucky. Sure I have wished I was born female physically but that is just a minor thing when I compare myself to those who have missing limbs or who are challenged in some manner. I amn't religious so I don't thank God but I am thankful and I make sure to remind myself of that fact. I am young, not too chubby, am moderately attractive and everything works. So, no, I don't hate my body. I embrace it and get on with my life.

Everyone is different.  I have had similar thoughts of feeling I was transsexual fraud as well.  The only weird part about me is that when I was younger I definitely knew I was a man, but since 2002 or so slipped slowly to other side.  This makes no sense, since the common explanation of transsexuality is that transsexuals were always trans but some just realize later in life.  I don't see how I could be so confident I was a man and then drift away to believing I was a woman.  Either way, I am who I am now, and it is not going away.  I don't necessarily think I am lying to others because I am male because even if I were a genetic girl I would still have the same values and overall personality.  The only thing I can think of to explain it is to say that I am living as my true self 100%.

Sorry for going on about my own story.  Just because your story does not match up with others does not mean you are not trans. 

Personally, there are parts of my body I hate and parts I don't. I could live without transitioning if I needed too but I don't think that is going to be the case.

No, it's not weird. The way I prefer to look at it, is that I imagine positive changes (adding things) as opposed to negative changes (getting rid of things). And some things are just fine the way they are. Perhaps I am lucky however that my own low-intensity dysphoria do not bring me to the extremes of depression, frustration, or urgency that I perceive in a lot of folks.

Ehh what's a "normal" transsexual anyway?

That aside, it just makes you a lucky one. Enjoy it, or really you can't I suppose, perhaps you can let us envy you? XP

Thank you, Madelyn, for raising this question ... I, too, don't hate my body. I think it's painfully ironic that I've been blessed with a pretty good male body that I don't actually want ... but I don't hate it. I just wish I had an equally nice female body that I could actually love ...

Quote from: Silver on February 03, 2011, 01:38:52 AM
Ehh what's a "normal" transsexual anyway?

I am one. My therapist said so.

Madelyn, don't let the gender Ayatollahs dictate to you.   The self-appointed guardians of the transsexual flame are only the ones who can shout loudest and longest.    You know what they say about empty vessels don't you?   'Empty vessels make the most noise.'   

Who wants to be normal anyway

I've developed an acceptance of my body as I go through the various stages of my transition. One thing doesn't change though, I do still hate my "bits"...

I don't think there is a "normal" to being trans. You either are or are not, I don't think there is a wrong way.