I am so f***ing frustrated.

I don't know why I even bother reading about trans surgery because all it does is piss me off. Mainly, FTM bottom surgery. Why the hell does it suck so much?
I mean, hell, it's not like I'm going to be able to even get any sort of surgery (or hormones, because my mom refuses to drop the "It's a phase" theory) for a few years, but still.

I feel wrong because when I walk, there's nothing there. When I sit down, I can feel there is nothing there, and I lose my confidence. I pack sometimes, but I feel like everybody can tell that it's fake. Besides, I really want my own penis.

Another thing, a bit unrelated, but it's been killing me that I'm not biologically male. My best friend, who is like a sister to me, found out she was pregnant a month or so ago, and it's been killing me because she talks about how happy she and her boyfriend are that they're having a baby, and I know that I'll never be able to have that.

I'll never be able to have my own kids with my future girlfriend someday. I'll never be able to get a girl pregnant, and I hate that. What if I marry a girl someday, and she wants kids? I won't be able to give that to her. It pisses me off that something which is normally so simple for guys is so impossible for me.

Anyway, back to the surgery rant. Why is it have to suck so much?

I truly do want to get bottom surgery someday, but I refuse to get metoidioplasty. I just hate the way it looks. Not to mention, it's really small. It may sound superficial, but size DOES matter to me. A lot, in fact.

However, phalloplasty just sucks. I mean, depending on who you get surgery from, it can look somewhat good or bad. I've seen some horrible phalloplasty results and somewhat decent ones (I wanted to get the MLD flap, but apparently the guy who performed that surgery died).

I just...UGH. I hate that I'll never have the body I want.

Maybe testosterone will change my bottom dysphoria? Maybe my growth down there will make me feel more comfortable? Maybe. These are just assumptions.

I hate not having a penis. I joke about how big it is with my friends (who know I'm trans and I do pack when I hang around them) and I'm just so...manly, I suppose, around them. Basically, I like to show off. However, when I have nothing to show off, it makes me feel like ->-bleeped-<-. I have no REAL bulge there, it's just socks. And when I realize this, I can't stand it and I feel like ->-bleeped-<-.

I hate when I fool my brain the most. That's the one thing I cannot stand about being trans. I sometimes FORGET that I'm trans (does that happen to anyone else?) and I'll being acting like my body matches. I forget that there's nothing in my pants and that I have boobs, and the second I realize that I'm tricking myself, I feel like ->-bleeped-<-.

Ugh..I guess this is just my rant. Normally, I would self-harm because of these feelings, but you know...I'm trying to stop that.

I can 100% relate, even the forgetting part,  and it sucks.
Only I would get a meta since it's still better than what I have now.

Perhaps in years to come there will be better alternatives. Such as the fact that a gene in mice was found that can be shut off with a drug that turned its ovaries successfully into testes within three weeks. I mean that may not be for years to come if they decide to test it on humans, but it's at least hope for the future.

I know it really sucks, and I know exactly how you feel. Being on T it's taken A LOT of my dysphoria from my lower region away, but I still hate that when I look in the mirror my jeans are flat, that there is no bulge, or when I do have one it was purchased from a store. I also hate that after my hysterectomy there is no chance of me ever having my own biological kid, getting to watch a child grow who looks like me and has my crazy genetics.

I guess sometimes I forget I'm trans to, in a weird way. I'm not sure if its in the same way you mean it though.

Maybe with time they'll figure out how to naturally enhance the size into an average length penis. I don't really want to wait until I'm like forty or something for that to happen, but I guess this is just how the world works. ->-bleeped-<-ing sucks doesn't it?

Quote from: Sharky on April 24, 2011, 11:07:51 PM
I can 100% relate, even the forgetting part,  and it sucks.
Only I would get a meta since it's still better than what I have now.

This.
I can relate toevery single thing, and yes i hate when that happens. i forget i still have a womens body and then i get reminded and i get deppressed. and i agree, i would get meta because for me at least its something.

For the first time in this whole thing, I'm starting to feel empty down there. And I'm still completely lost on why it's SO DAMN FUNNY to everyone in the world what we have between our legs or don't have between them?!?! Why is it the #1 thing people make fun of others for, for not living up to their birth gender expectations?!?!? 

Quote from: JayValentine on April 24, 2011, 11:46:10 PM
Perhaps in years to come there will be better alternatives. Such as the fact that a gene in mice was found that can be shut off with a drug that turned its ovaries successfully into testes within three weeks. I mean that may not be for years to come if they decide to test it on humans, but it's at least hope for the future.

That's awesome!
I'm hoping someday I can do a Mr. Garrison and grow one on the back of a lab rat.

Quote from: Devyn on April 24, 2011, 10:49:20 PM

I hate when I fool my brain the most. That's the one thing I cannot stand about being trans. I sometimes FORGET that I'm trans (does that happen to anyone else?) and I'll being acting like my body matches. I forget that there's nothing in my pants and that I have boobs, and the second I realize that I'm tricking myself, I feel like ->-bleeped-<-.

This happens to me all the time. I won't even feel the bresticles for a while and think I'm just a normal male, but once I remember it's 2x worse, because I know it was all an illusion. I used to honestly believe I would grow up to be a man...needless to say reality was a horrifying slap in the face - I'm sure everyone here has had a similar moment.

All in all, being trans just sucks, like all the other body birth defects. 'JayValentine' is right though, no one should give up on the probability that trans surgery will continue to progress. Hell, 73 years ago the first transman underwent HRT..look how far we've come since then. In 2010 Canada's Sexiest Man was a transman!

Quote from: sascraps on April 25, 2011, 12:09:28 AM
For the first time in this whole thing, I'm starting to feel empty down there. And I'm still completely lost on why it's SO DAMN FUNNY to everyone in the world what we have between our legs or don't have between them?!?! Why is it the #1 thing people make fun of others for, for not living up to their birth gender expectations?!?!? 

I agree. Makes no sense.

Quote from: Sharky on April 25, 2011, 12:10:49 AM
That's awesome!
I'm hoping someday I can do a Mr. Garrison and grow one on the back of a lab rat.

I lol'd. So hard. At your reply. I love South Park.

Don't allow your self pity to mar your friend's pregnancy.

And try doing research in future, it is perfectly possible that you may be able to have your own biological children.  Read this link.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/3323846/Sperm-cells-created-from-female-embryo.html

Quote from: sascraps on April 25, 2011, 12:09:28 AM
For the first time in this whole thing, I'm starting to feel empty down there. And I'm still completely lost on why it's SO DAMN FUNNY to everyone in the world what we have between our legs or don't have between them?!?! Why is it the #1 thing people make fun of others for, for not living up to their birth gender expectations?!?!? 

Everyone in the world?

#1 thing, I never realized.

Wow never knew a trans man won sexist canadian man, Lucas from the cliks, just looked it up, that's awesome!

Quote from: JohnR on April 25, 2011, 02:26:35 AM
Don't allow your self pity to mar your friend's pregnancy.

And try doing research in future, it is perfectly possible that you may be able to have your own biological children.  Read this link.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/3323846/Sperm-cells-created-from-female-embryo.html

That was an incredible read!

Quote from: JayValentine on April 25, 2011, 03:17:34 PM
Wow never knew a trans man won sexist canadian man, Lucas from the cliks, just looked it up, that's awesome!

He's quite sexy.

Quote from: Devyn on April 25, 2011, 12:24:05 AM
I lol'd. So hard. At your reply. I love South Park.

I just looked on transbucket and there is a new phallo pic up, it looks really good! The guy has on blue plaid boxers. Best one I've seen.

Quote from: Sharky on April 25, 2011, 10:10:08 PM
 

I just looked on transbucket and there is a new phallo pic up, it looks really good! The guy has on blue plaid boxers. Best one I've seen.

Yes, yes! I saw that! I'm so jealous of him. It actually looks really good. (:

Quote from: Devyn on April 24, 2011, 10:49:20 PM
Mainly, FTM bottom surgery. Why the hell does it suck so much?

Anyway, back to the surgery rant. Why is it have to suck so much?

I truly do want to get bottom surgery someday, but I refuse to get metoidioplasty. I just hate the way it looks. Not to mention, it's really small. It may sound superficial, but size DOES matter to me. A lot, in fact.

However, phalloplasty just sucks. I mean, depending on who you get surgery from, it can look somewhat good or bad. I've seen some horrible phalloplasty results and somewhat decent ones (I wanted to get the MLD flap, but apparently the guy who performed that surgery died).

Can we not rant on and on about how much the surgery results "suck" or "look bad"?  It's hurtful to other men who do want to get the surgery or who have had the surgery (I know there is at least one on this board).    Would you like people making hateful or judgmental remarks about your genitals? 

Quote from: Andy8715 on April 26, 2011, 12:14:10 AM
Can we not rant on and on about how much the surgery results "suck" or "look bad"?  It's hurtful to other men who do want to get the surgery or who have had the surgery (I know there is at least one on this board).    Would you like people making hateful or judgmental remarks about your genitals?

I am definitely going to get bottom surgery, quite possibly a phallo. A blanket statement about the surgery doesn't bother me at all. I'm aware the surgery can produce less than ideal results and it isn't for everyone. To me someone saying that it sucks is just a less eloquent way of saying "it's not for me." I would't take a statement about the surgery personally unless they were talking about me personally. And if I was sensitive to the remarks of others I would't post my genitals on the internet for others to see. I think a big part of sites like TransBucket is to judge and see what procedures you want and what surgeons you want to go to. I don't recall anyone saying something hateful against those who've had bottom surgery, just over all disgust with their surgical options and the hardships that come with being trans.

Quote from: Sharky on April 26, 2011, 12:34:42 AM
I am definitely going to get bottom surgery, quite possibly a phallo. A blanket statement about the surgery doesn't bother me at all. I'm aware the surgery can produce less than ideal results and it isn't for everyone. To me someone saying that it sucks is just a less eloquent way of saying "it's not for me." I would't take a statement about the surgery personally unless they were talking about me personally. And if I was sensitive to the remarks of others I would't post my genitals on the internet for others to see. I think a big part of sites like TransBucket is to judge and see what procedures you want and what surgeons you want to go to.

And that is your right.  It's also my right to voice my displeasure in hearing others get down on people's genital appearance.

Devyn, I know it isn't helpful but try to remember that if you meet that special girl who wants kids and truly loves you, you'll come up with an alternative or adoption and she'll be understanding. As for the surgeries, while they might not be like the "average" male their genitals come in all sizes and looks so really it kinda is like height in my opinion, everyone is a little different and while some people aren't the "average" height they are still a height ya know?

It is great that you are writing instead of hurting yourself man that is an incredible step! Just try to make yourself look at the upsides instead of the down when you can. Easier said than done I know but just think: There are surgeries now that didn't exist 100 years ago. Try to look at the moments of forgetting you're trans as a good thing when you can have them. I wish I had more helpful advice for you.