I've read a lot about your stories, and it really helped me out. Imagine being 39 years old and be totally clueless about who you are..
Well that is my situation at the moment.
There has been one clue trough my adult life, since I was 17 I knew something amiss. I mean I love the girls but when I was to do my "manly thing" I failed miserably.
Not going into much details, but I never experienced any good by doing the mechanically bit, however I liked the cuddle and to please, but I am always uncomfortable when
she returns the feelings... However to make a long story even longer..

As I said I am a 39 year old biological man, I live in Norway (Northern Europe, and no polar bears in the streets). So please excuse my poor English.

As my intro explain what is my first suspicion that something was not rightly connected I didn't do anything about it. I just thought it would pass. When I reached 34 I bought women underwear to see if that was something I could play with, but my reaction was more scary than I thought. It had no sexual meaning at all. Yea that was actually the scary part. And I actually liked having them on, although I looked ridiculous in them, but they felt nice.
I responded with putting them in a bag and hid it in a closet. My mind was set to throw them away as soon as I could, but I never did..

I think it was a few months I started to take it out of the closet again. However this time i wanted it to look somewhat decent and got an epilator. To be honest that was really unpleasant, but I found out I could use it once a week and it wont really hurt at all.
Since that time I have grown out the hair, the clothes in and out of the closet/bag until one day I started to experiment with herbs, I've drank unbelievable horrid tasted tea's, made creams, bought miracle creams on Ebay (Btw the only miracle in those creams is the prices they charge for it). This went on for 2-3 years until now. For about 10 moths ago I told my psychologist that I think I am "the third sex" as in transgender, but later when I read upon the differences I can't come to another solution that I am a transsexual.

The ambivalence that follows is immense, I try hard to do some soul searching, but I can't really come up with a good answer to why I am a man. I have never identified me as a man, I can't see myself in men. The mirroring does not work. Then I look to the other side and look at women, and how much I love and detest them. Yes my psych told me I had a hostile view of women.
That sentence hurt. I know I love them, but I didn't really know why she assumed that I was hostile towards them.
Today I can only think that I am jealous of them. They have everything I want. I tried being with them, but I usually back off since the sexual part is unpleasant for me. Besides I envy their bodies too much.

Every time I have looked into a large mirror, those you find at clothes stores etc. I usually looked away because I never liked what I saw. Not that I am unhappy about how I look, but because I don't recognize what I am looking at. Maybe it sounds weird. But when I decided I was a transsexual I don't see the same things in the mirror, I see what improvements that can be done, and how it would look like on a female body.
I don't know guys, maybe I am totally wrong about my own diagnosis, but I don't have any self esteem or self worth anymore, I feel like an entity without a purpose.

The story is however much longer, and its all bits of a big puzzle I try to fit together, hence why I told you about my first experience even if you find it vulgar or something. And to me now the puzzle looks more or less that I am a transsexual, or just a woman.

Cathrine

The envy may be your trigger for "hating" women, though you love to be one. I know what you're talking about, because I feel something that way. I'm not certain about transitioning, but feminine clothes are definitely a "must" for me. There are infinite combinations more than men's clothes. The skin if softer (can feel it today, on HRT ), so they wear deliciously and it seems to me they are made for this.

The sexual part is complicated; probably when doing sex you feel you can't look at what's happening, as you wish to be that image instead of the one you present. Today I found something interesting, that I didn't remember... I, as a child, once tried to use a cousin's panties and liked it. Hid from everyone, of course. (I feel that's wrong today, but I was like 6 years old) The next thing, that didn't depart from my thoughts, is that I once entered her room without knocking (7 years old? 6? don't remember) and saw her naked, changing clothes, and rushed out because I was ashamed. But that image never, never went away.

So life's a mess...

Hi Cathrine,

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Hugs and Love,
Janet 
   

Hi and thanks for the welcome!

When you said that bit about your cousin I remember "Pippi" Not sure if you are familiar with her, its an Astrid Lindgren character. Well the girl she plays with is Annika. She used to wear pink pants, and I remember I really liked those pants. I identified with her, and envied her pants hehe.

I hope i can get on HRT soon, although Norway is a rigid place regards to hormones. I have no idea why, but they treat it like its uranium or something. However my doc sent me to a endroctinologist so I am waiting to hear from the endo, to know if I am suitable to take hormones or not. The issue I assume is that neither want to issue any hormones for me, and still yet, I don't have a formal diagnosis. I am seeing my psych after the easter and will tell her that is my mission from now, she is not a GT, but she is a clinical psychologist which according to SOC should be enough. Oh well I just need to ask her.

The sex bit is annoying, its like never to be able to enjoy something you hear so much about, and to never experienced it I do miss it a lot. And you're right. I wish the image were different.

I always buy clothes that comes from the women department, it just fit better. And feels better to wear, however I am small as a man 170cm (5' 7") 55kg (90 pounds?). So in basic most of the stuff I'd use in the mens department is more or less way to big. Come to think about it... Last week I was out with my shopping buddy. He used ages in the male side of the store, then I thought maybe I should try get something for myself, but I were stuck since there was nothing I wanted in that department, it was almost a bit nostalgic to be standing in the mens department and I didn't recognize the clothes as my type of clothes.
The more I experience or manage to do to "out" myself the better I feel.

I was thinking about what you said regards to transitioning. I've been really unsure about that too, but I want to go all the way, its a part of my own identity to have all the perks that comes with it, to feel whole in a way, it might not apply to others, but for me its a part of the big puzzle and I am getting more secure about my decision for each day that pass. 

Hope you may be able to go all the way if it's your desire! Probably after you get a format diagnosis all things in your country may change. Didn't you talk to her yet? As your country seems to be less liberal about meds than mine, it's important to get it.

Regarding the image, maybe that's why I simply don't look (I've heard from several people that they love to watch what they're 'doing' to the woman). Apart from that reason, I like to make love, and so sex itself plays a secondary role in my life (however: if I ever get a SRS, I cannot guarantee that it would stay secondary, haha).

A weird thing is that sometimes I like to play some roles as a man. So even transitioning one part of me would stay a man. That is: I always protect the people working under my supervision; like to open doors and all other things...

I was watching another topic about size change on HRT and also my measurements came closer to GGs' (genetic girls - but then, always, waist, waistline). Gotta lose some weight For now, gearing towards a androgyne appearance. There, I'll think again...

Quote from: soulfairer on April 24, 2011, 11:58:55 PM
Hope you may be able to go all the way if it's your desire! Probably after you get a format diagnosis all things in your country may change. Didn't you talk to her yet? As your country seems to be less liberal about meds than mine, it's important to get it.

Yes I have spoken to her about this for several months, but she is no enabler, she let it get out naturally in a way. I sort of like that type of resistance, it makes my decisions easier if they are well thought of. Its been only a couple of weeks I really come to terms with myself. However its been some tough years, and the last 10 months has been literary painful, but my puzzle is starting to make sense now, and I needed the easter to really dig into my soul and make a decision. After I got it, I felt really light, a big burden was lifted off my shoulders.
The SOC doesn't say much about duration of therapy before you can start HRT, 3 months is minimum, but my psych has known this for a couple of years now, and if so it takes three more months I don't care, I just want it to move forward.

Yes the system here is rigid beyond any logic. But remember Norway is as close to a socialist state you can possible get w/o being commies hehe. We are all alike and everyone should be alike, no one should stand out in any way. No wonder we are nr 19th on the suiciderate world wide.

Yea the sex part is just miserable really, except the memories hehe.

And those small subtle things we do as men, I will probably continue, but isn't that just a nice treat?

Oh yea almost forgot, I do too have a little much tummy hehe, it looks really silly, but I guess it will be easy to get it off, I don't want to diet too much before HRT, I want to see where the curves form before I really do anything drastic, if I get skinny I guess there is no breast growth.. 

Well Catherine, all the pictures I have ever seen of Valkyries show them as being fairly well upholstered, so you have a fall back position on the weight . 

Maybe Norway needs a bit of a revival of the Viking spirit to shake the place up.

Whenever I look at myself in the mirror and feel at all disappointed at my progress I remind myself what some of the GG's in this area look like and I don't feel so bad. ( Australia has an uncanny ability to produce some really ugly people. Balances Elle I guess !) I am sure not all Scandinavian women are statuesque, stunning, blonde goddesses, so it shouldn't  be too hard to find a reality check.

That burden I will somewhat carry for a good time... It's nice that you found out that you really will move on! I still have other needs to fulfill before even thinking about a commitment in that direction (financial, at least - psychologically I think I'd "simply" adjust, as I have no big troubles regarding self-esteem, fortunately). Also, it's good for me... If I had the monies, who knows I'd just jump the wagon?

I live in Brazil and here there's every type of thinking one can imagine. Nothing is alike, but still this country is developing. It will be a long way...

And yes, if there's no fat, probably no growth My hips already show it. Though 5'8", 145lb (172cm, 66kg), I hope to lose some weight in this process... I didn't know I would shrink (that much) and etc. Will start measuring everything! If you ever are on HRT, don't forget any aspect for you to know what's happening. Height, weight, hip/waist, breasts, shoe size, everything! Forgot something?

Hi Cathrine, it's nice to meet you. There is a lot of information on this site, and lots of nice people to talk to. Hugs, Tracey

Quote from: justmeinoz on April 25, 2011, 04:17:57 AM
Well Catherine, all the pictures I have ever seen of Valkyries show them as being fairly well upholstered, so you have a fall back position on the weight . 

Maybe Norway needs a bit of a revival of the Viking spirit to shake the place up.

Whenever I look at myself in the mirror and feel at all disappointed at my progress I remind myself what some of the GG's in this area look like and I don't feel so bad. ( Australia has an uncanny ability to produce some really ugly people. Balances Elle I guess !) I am sure not all Scandinavian women are statuesque, stunning, blonde goddesses, so it shouldn't  be too hard to find a reality check.

First off, LOL! I had a good laugh at your first sentence

Yes, Norway need that, maybe I have to do it myself, in our culture its not really polite to stand out in any way. We're goofy for sure, and no the girls in Norway is not that good looking, however I tend to look at the pretty ones... I have no idea how HRT will treat me, but I am fairly good looking as male, but its not only about how I look, but how I feel, if I had a womans body I guess I would feel much better from the inside, and hopefully that would show on the outside too

@Tracey - Thank you! I am happy to be here, I've been reading pages after pages with posts. And yes you guys really helped me a lot trough my ambivalence. I feel more safe of my choice at the moment.
@soulfairer - If I get accepted as a transsexual in Norway, the SRS is for free, but we have like 80% declined for SRS. And that certain hospital is the only one in Norway, if you should complain about the decision, the complaint will return to the head of psych in the same hospital to see if he did something wrong in the first place... So if I fall under the 80% I wont get anything. Besides they use like 3-4 years to decline your application for SRS.
This means I am to scared to visit that certain hospital, and I am trying to get my own psych, regular doc, and the endocrinologist to help me out with the HRT, and I need to save up for SRS in Thailand.
I have measurement of a tube lol, almost the same all over, man that is embarrassing...   
I will take the measurements when I get on HRT, and see if i lose height, I really hope not. I use 8.5-9 in shoe size at the moment.

Thanks for the warm welcomes and replies guys

Hi Cathrine

Very welcome to the forum honey.
Your story sounds simular for the most of us, so I think you've came to the right place.
Don't be scared to go to the hospital in Norway, you've got nothing to lose,
If you're not admitted you can always go to a foreigh country for the srs.
Here in the Netherlands it's the same thing, you have to be admitted by the shrink for the srs and he makes the desicion for it.
For what I know most people get their srs, maybe they are saying it to discourage people who aren't quite sure about transition.

Anyway, glad you've found us and wants to join the club.

Hugs
Annette

Hi Annette!

Thanks for the encouragement, yes I think will go to the Norwegian hospital, but I really want this to start already. I was planning to re-educate myself pretty soon, and I wanted to do the transition before or during the bachelor program. It might sound silly, but in this man-form I feel so out of place and I have a hard time focusing on other tasks than transition. Hence why I want to at least go on HRT, if that happens I am satisfied for a while, I need to take the time it takes anyways, but I would be much calmer if I did some progress in the meantime. As I said it might be silly, but I do know myself and I do focus solely on the topic that is most important at hand. And for now that is transition. HRT is a big part of that, besides there is a lot of other things to do before the SRS, like hair-removal, name change, voice training, shopping clothes.... etc etc.

I am glad I found this club too!

Hugs
Cathrine