Hello all...I'm new here and I was hoping I could hear some input from others. I'm also a little curious about other gay FtMs.

I've been thinking I'm FtM for a long time but I was never really sure if I'm just a girl that wants to be boyish or if I'm actually FtM.  I'm interested in men but I don't feel like a girl. I've dressed like a boy since I was in junior high and I started getting my hair cut short in the beginning of high school. I only wore sports bras and I was binding my chest before I even knew what it really was. I started learning more about transgendered people in high school and began realizing that it might be me.

During my sophomore year of university I was pretty sure I was FtM but I wanted to see what would happen if I tried to be feminine for a while.  I bought regular girl clothing and regular bras.  I moved to Japan for study abroad during my junior year of university and tried to act feminine, I even wore skirts but I felt wrong when I wore them. It was nice because boys actually were attracted to me but I felt so wrong. When I went out with friends I tried to keep up with being girly, but when I went out alone I dressed the way I like to, wearing one of the few sport bras I'd taken with me.

Since returning from Japan at the beginning of my senior year (August 2010) I've began dressing masculine again.  Unfortunately my mother threw away all my sports bras I'd left at home while I was away and have been wearing regular bras and my only sports bra that survived the year in Japan. Sometimes I bind but it's uncomfortable using ace bandages. I've recently ordered my first compression shirt. (I'm unsure of the quality so if they're good ones I intend on buying more. My chest is kind of big so I'm worried that I won't get the compression I need).

I've made friends with one of the exchange students from Japan who is also FtM and he's been helping me along for the past few months but he's returning to Japan soon. He's helped me gain the courage to be more masculine.

Hey hey, welcome to the forum! Gay FTM here 

I know what you mean about feeling good because guys were attracted to you. I went through a stage at one point of wearing shirts and things that showed off my chest because it got me possitive attention from guys, but at the same time it made me feel a lot more uncomfortable, so it didn't last long. I used to see a dress in a store that I really loved, would buy it and wear it for a day, and spend the whole day just feeling completely wrong and out of place, I got so insecure and worried about what everyone thought of me, that I would then put the dress away and never wear it again. That was before I even realised I was trans.

I first realised there was something up when I started reading guy on guy fanfiction, and found I couldn't read straight coupling. I thought I was just weird until one day I blurted out 'I wish I was a guy, so I could be gay' to one of my friends. She and the others all laughed while I stood there looking like a stunned mullet as I realised how true the reflex statement was.

Realising something like this about yourself takes time, it took me several years to get over the internalised 'You're just a damn tomboy!' phase. It's awesome you have a friend going through the same stuff, I'm sure you'll find many more on here

Thanks for the reply.  I know exactly what you mean by the dress thing.  During my attempt of trying to be girly I ended up going out shopping with a few of my co-workers (from JCPenney, haha) and they all started trying on dresses so I decided to try as well.  I felt so insanely awkward. They kept telling me I looked awesome but I couldn't stop thinking "this isn't meeeeeee!!!" I ended up actually getting one because I needed it for a formal situation.  I felt so gross after wearing it and ended up binding every time I went in public for a good half week after that.

Augh~ Sorry for the double post but my compression shirt was hiding in my roommate's room!!! Auuuuuu~~~ It arrived the day I went home for Easter break and he'd left it on his desk with all the other mail.  I had the confirmation email from underworks so I went on a search for my package!! It works rather nicely.  I think I could use better compression, but it looks much better than ace bandages and is a loooooot more comfortable.  I just let my friend know so I'm hoping to meet him after class today so he can see.

I'm going through the same thing right now...the whole, "am I trans or just a tomboy?" stage. I wish I knew how to help you out but I'm struggling too. I think getting a binder and dressing the way you want is a big step towards seeing if you're comfortable presenting as and being seen as male. Just wanted you to know that you're definitely not alone.

I feel you...I've given up trying to analyze if I'm really a girl or a boy and I'm just doing what I want.

Thanks for your support~~ My friend came over a little bit ago and he said I seem so much more happy now that I have my binder.  It'll be a task not wearing it all the time.  I think I want to try a small as  I've got a medium now and it's not the best compression but it's good to start with.  I think I'll keep this one for now and order a small later and test it out. I got the 997 and it's alright.  Eventually I wanna try a tri-top since it seems a lot of you like them.  I think the 997 will get really hot during the summer because it's full length rather than the shorter type.