I've struggled with my gender identity for years, even more so than my sexual orientation. I'd go a couple of months happily playing the role of a feminine lesbian and suddenly, one day I'd go to my closet and crossdress, scrap the make up, sit with my legsd sprawled out and stop shaving. A couple of months or so after that, I'd casually switch back. It frustrated me after a while because I started becoming disconected with my gender identity. I had no idea who I was or what I was trying to be.

In December I came out as a transman. I finally said "**** it" and stopped "trying" to be a woman. I felt great, I now pass most of the time in public. I -almost- started taking hormones to masculinize myself. I wanted desperately to go as far through my transition as having a hystorectomy, mastectomy, and phalloplasty. I couldn't bear to think of myself as female in anyway.

Now, out of no where, within the past week or so, I feel different again. I feel as though I'd rather live my life accepting my body as it is, not take hormones to change myself, and simply become androgynous. Or, even stranger, to once again identify as a lesbian and simply be an extreme butch dyke with my mohawk, my manly dress, my androgynous voice, and my broad shoulders.

And I'm pretty confident that, once again, this intense feeling of androgyny will change and I'll want to settle my mind on something solid and accepted.

I've legally changed my name to a male name. I've come out to my whole family and all my friends that I'm transgender. And suddenly, I feel like I've made a mistake in that.

I know I rushed into it all too fast but I'm just wondering if any of those who identify as androgynous feel or have ever felt similar, with an identity that constantly changes, or flows, or whatever. How do you adjust yourself to it? How do you adjust others to it?

I understand you. I sometimes resemble a pendulum regarding my gender identity. I am a born man, consider myself somewhat angrogynous (not so physically as I can't come out, at least for now), and have even considered SRS, as *some* of my characteristics are female-ish. Others... Well, my body is beginning to resemble a female one, but still people would doubt when looking (the main trait I "preserved" is my face, so that people still aren't puzzled about my gender identity).

All contouring is beginning to become neutral (my elbows' angles already were genetically greater than the mean): hairline is changing, hips are somewhat wider, waistline beginning to thin, can wear B cups if I want to (big t-shirts still can hide the boobs), even my back's angle has increased (though not as much as I wanted, the fused bone is really a nuisance). But I still am undecided whether to choose a path or stay in the middle (of the forest ).

Though my body is changing (a lot), I am still waiting. It may be dangerous to "experience" these things without certainly knowing what to do, but.. Life urges!

The answer: sometimes we will not know if the path we chose is the right adjustment. But it's not an advise (I think it's not advisable to advise ): we shall always head our inner voices.

Hm.  That's a tough one.  I am one who doesn't want to change my body...for the most part. I've only recently accepted that I might want to take T.  Maybe.  It may be a fear thing...I think that's what it is for me.  Like, I know I have serious issues with depression, but I'm afraid of taking antidepressants because I don't know if they'll change me in any way.  Anyway, I think I understand what you mean...I'd like to present more masculinely than I do and I prefer a more masculine (or at least neutral name).  I happen to like my body...or perhaps I just know how it works and I'm comfortable with it.  At any rate, only you know what you truly want to do and it is perfectly all right to change your mind.    Welcome to the unicorn forest!

I've never liked shaving my legs, but I feel you on going back and forth between dyke and transguy. Maybe it's enough for you to pass if you want to, without needing hormones or surgery? I think it's only natural to be nervous and have second thoughts about a big life decision like this...people get the same way over marriage (and divorce). If you do go on hormones, you can always adjust the dose or quit. You have some room to maneuver.

Yeah I def feel you on this. I felt like I could just never decide, but it's like you always keep going back to how you really feel and It makes you happy. Society doesn't give any justice either people don't like what they don't or can't understand.

Quote from: Ryan James on April 23, 2011, 07:46:52 PM
I've struggled with my gender identity for years, even more so than my sexual orientation. I'd go a couple of months happily playing the role of a feminine lesbian and suddenly, one day I'd go to my closet and crossdress, scrap the make up, sit with my legsd sprawled out and stop shaving. A couple of months or so after that, I'd casually switch back. It frustrated me after a while because I started becoming disconected with my gender identity. I had no idea who I was or what I was trying to be.

In December I came out as a transman. I finally said "**** it" and stopped "trying" to be a woman. I felt great, I now pass most of the time in public. I -almost- started taking hormones to masculinize myself. I wanted desperately to go as far through my transition as having a hystorectomy, mastectomy, and phalloplasty. I couldn't bear to think of myself as female in anyway.

Now, out of no where, within the past week or so, I feel different again. I feel as though I'd rather live my life accepting my body as it is, not take hormones to change myself, and simply become androgynous. Or, even stranger, to once again identify as a lesbian and simply be an extreme butch dyke with my mohawk, my manly dress, my androgynous voice, and my broad shoulders.

And I'm pretty confident that, once again, this intense feeling of androgyny will change and I'll want to settle my mind on something solid and accepted.

I've legally changed my name to a male name. I've come out to my whole family and all my friends that I'm transgender. And suddenly, I feel like I've made a mistake in that.

I know I rushed into it all too fast but I'm just wondering if any of those who identify as androgynous feel or have ever felt similar, with an identity that constantly changes, or flows, or whatever. How do you adjust yourself to it? How do you adjust others to it?

Hi Ryan,
We have several members who initially identified as trans only to discover it didn't quite fit. Some even started down the road to transition. And others who went in the opposite direction, identifying as androgyne first, only to come to know themselves as men or women later. I don't think your 'mistake' in coming out as trans is irrecoverable. How did they react to it? Are you happy with the name change whether you identify as androgyne or trans?

Quote from: AVI on April 25, 2011, 04:46:12 AM
I've never liked shaving my legs, but I feel you on going back and forth between dyke and transguy. Maybe it's enough for you to pass if you want to, without needing hormones or surgery? I think it's only natural to be nervous and have second thoughts about a big life decision like this...people get the same way over marriage (and divorce). If you do go on hormones, you can always adjust the dose or quit. You have some room to maneuver.

You know, I can pass 100% as either sex without testosterone in the right environments. I work in an auto manufacturing plant, with a lot of veerryy tough, heterosexist type people. They all think I'm a guy. I was transitioning when I applied so HR has taken the fact that I identified as trans and allowed me to use the men's room, and introduced me to supervisors as a male person named Ryan. Which is GREAT, it means it is a very safe place for gender queer people and anyone in the LBGT spectrum.

I just have to maintain that identity at work, whereas outside of work, I let my voice ride at it's natural peak and pass as a punky gay woman with a mohawk. No one looks at me that weird.

I've noticed something veerry strange though. I'm me, all the way around; I've only change my name and a few pronouns. Yet when I'm passing as male people receive me as a wussy, sensitive guy they can walk all over. Yet if I'm passing as female, people seem to revere me as a strong-willed, independent woman they shouldn't piss off... It's kind of funny.

Funny but also pretty messed up, society and it's rules of engagement are so messed up

I think there's too much focus on "transgendered" being a FTM or an MTF path.  I'd started my own therapy by telling my therapist, my realization was that after years of waffling I was transgendered "whether I chose to do anything about it or not".  Transgendered is simply not cis-gendered.  That you were pretty secure about FTM and now you're not so sure doesn't make you less transgendered.

If its any consolation, I haven't totally decided what to do yet.  It sucks becuase I'm reluctant to come out to people if I don't really know what to tell them.

I pretty much went through the same gender/ sexuality roller coaster.  I first came out as a femme lesbian almost 9 years ago, then gradually changed my hair and clothing style to become more butch.  I started wearing some guys clothes 6 or 7 years ago, and got mistaken for a teenage boy periodically.   when I was 22 I started identifying as genderqueer, started binding at 24, and briefly id'd as male.  I came out to friends and used male pronouns for a year, and went as far as making an appointment with an informed consent endo.   (then I dislocated my shoulder, couldnt work for a month, got kicked out of my apartment and decided to move back home to my moms, and the whole plan fell apart.)

In the year and a half that I've been home, im finding my self moving back to the middle, feeling more comfortable as female (although I still bind and get very self conscious about my chest and wear mostly guys clothes) 

as far as figuring out my sexuality goes, ive given up.  after dating men, women, a pre-transition trans woman, and another genderqueer, there is pretty much no name out there.    Its been a long and confusing trip, but i'm finally at what feels like a good place to settle in.  I dont know if I pass as male or female and I dont really care.  i'm not trying to be either one, just me.