This question is for both the guys and girls here who have transitioned or who have been on hrt for some time.

What image of your transitioned self did you have before you started, and how does that match up with where you are now? I'm not just talking about physical appearance, but also your own innate sense of yourself, and to a large extent your relationships.

Well in my head I was always a crazy haired alt chick called Tasha (short for Natasha), in reality just prior to transition I'd reached a very androgynous, though tending male place. At the start, which is barely a year ago now, I genuinely thought I'd just pivot round the null point in the gender spectrum and become an androgynous female. I think what happened is that they was a bit of a slope down towards the girly end of the spectrum and some one coated it with non stick, because I ended up being far more feminine that I thought I would, while at the same time managing to be a crazy haired alt chick...this time called Helena

I look almost exactly like the result I pictured. I was pretty realistic in my expectations lol. I'm not exactly sure what you're asking about my 'innate sense of self'. But like Helena, I thought I would end up more androgynous in looks and personality than I did. Instead I came out more joe blow than I was expecting.
Relationships from before are the same. Time will tell with new ones.

No discrepancy at all. I am exactly what I expected.

The thing with physical changes and HRT is if you expect nothing, you'll be pleasantly surprised; if you expect evrything you'll be sadly disappointed.

I had mostly realistic expectations with regard to the physical changes.  There have been a mixture of pleasant surprises and sad disappointments there, but I've been happy with things overall.

I have however been pretty shocked with how pervasive the inward changes have been.  How much of which has been from hormones vs the effect of just letting go of the facade I really have no idea.

The weirdest thing has been how my interests have shifted: the music I listen to, the kinds if movies and books I gravitate toward, even just how I would choose to spend a leisurely day.  I did not expect these things to change, nor did I consciously try to change them.  Again, has this been from hormones or letting myself be real, I don't know.  I think female things relate closer to and better inform my life as it is today, that's my theory anyway.  Or maybe it's true that you need a certain amount of estrogen in your system to truly appreciate how amazing Kelly Clarkson is lol.

Oh, that was a little rambly.  I guess the bottom line is I am pretty much exactly how I expected to be at this stage, only a LOT more feminine in nature than I would have believed.

I was on HRT (officially and legally) from age 18 to 24 and can't say I noticed any effects aside from some  increased breast development (I had some natural development) and that it seemed to be a bit of a tranquillizer.

After transition/SRS at age 24 I became the total opposite of what I had been before and very quickly surpassed my wildest dreams. I went from

shy to outgoing
quiet to chatty
social awkward to the life of the party
retiring to mischievous
sad to unbearably happy

.... and the list could go on. Within a few years I couldn't believe the difference (neither could anyone else who knew me).

Quote from: Jen on April 26, 2011, 04:40:05 PM
The thing with physical changes and HRT is if you expect nothing, you'll be pleasantly surprised; if you expect evrything you'll be sadly disappointed.

I have however been pretty shocked with how pervasive the inward changes have been.  How much of which has been from hormones vs the effect of just letting go of the facade I really have no idea.

I find both of these points really ring true for me! The physical changes for me were slow and disappointing during the first 18 months of hrt, mainly because I was starving myself and so my body had nothing to work with. I really had to alter my unrealistic idea of how I wanted to be physically - I realized I would never be the 120lb waif I was in my mid teens - at least not if I wanted to look healthy. After months of driving myself mad over it, I gradually came to alter my perception of myself. My ideal of feminine beauty has changed from twig-thin size 0 movie stars to more strapping (don't you just love that word?), corpulent, rubenesque, classic feminine figures.

From this experience I realize how very difficult it must be for meatier or larger-boned young girls to appreciate the beauty of their body when we are all constantly bombarded by the twiggy feminine beauty ideal.

As for inward changes, well these have really been far beyond what I had expected. I hadn't thought I would experience many internal changes, aside from the relief of starting hrt and living life as I feel I need to. I feel like I am a very different person now yet I have retained many of the qualities I value. Now I empathize far more easily, I am more patient, I am far more emotional than I ever was (although I was always quite emotional) and I experience very high highs and extremely low lows, but it's all worth it.

As for relationships, those are all over the place!

Quote from: Northern Jane on April 26, 2011, 05:48:10 PM
shy to outgoing
quiet to chatty
social awkward to the life of the party
retiring to mischievous
sad to unbearably happy

That looks a lot like my list too. 

I used to be everything on the right side of that list while I was in high school, despite the dysphoria.  Shortly after the collapse of my first romantic relationship (which lasted from ages 16 to 21) I withdrew into myself and became a hermit.  My mom used that exact word to describe me when I came out to her.  So in essence, I became my old self, only an improved version.

Now that I've been full time for two months and on HRT for seven, I asked an old friend of mine (who I've been friends with for 18 years) if I was any different.  He said no.  He said I was simply me, but magnified.  He said he couldn't believe the genuine and seemingly perpetual smile that's been on my face since I started living as my true gender, because he had never seen that before.  I feel he's right.  Even yesterday, I talked to an old professor of mine I hadn't seen since my grad school interview in February (three days after I first came out to someone other than a therapist, and the day I swore would be my last dressing like a boy) and he said the same thing: I looked happier than he'd ever seen me in the three years we worked together.  He also said he suspected I was trans, but he obviously couldn't come right out and ask me.    He's a licensed child psychologist, so he has insight like that.

My sense of humor has returned.  When I laugh, I feel it.  It penetrates my soul and genuinely cheers me.  Before HRT, it was more like a band-aid on a severed limb of misery and pain.

When I cry, I feel it.  It cleanses me and washes away the worst of whatever pain I'm feeling.  After a good cry, I have enough presence of mind to make changes so that I can return to happiness.

When I'm with friends, I feel it.  Social encounters are no longer obligations that leech away my time spent alone.  I don't even WANT to be alone anymore.  Time with others recharges my batteries; time alone is perfect for reflection and for doing what needs to be done so that I can see my friends again as soon as possible.

When I love, and when others love me, I feel it.  After years of suicide attempts and feelings of worthlessness, I no longer stay alive so as not to cause others pain.  I stay alive because I know in my heart that I can brighten the lives of others as much as they brighten mine.

When I get really stressed, I don't feel it (foooooled yoooou!).  My frequent panic attacks dissipated: what was once three or four times a week hasn't happened a single time since starting HRT seven months ago.

My expectations were that HRT would change my body, but I didn't know it would help remove the barriers my mind erected between my soul and the world.  As HRT does change my body, my mind has taken a more proactive role in tearing down some of those barriers itself.  I no longer hide from a hostile world, I live in a beautiful one.

Quote from: Forum Admin on April 26, 2011, 03:26:11 PM
But like Helena, I thought I would end up more androgynous in looks and personality than I did.

That's the common understanding of what androgynous means: undifferentiated.  But really androgynous in a positive sense means having both male and female characteristics much like Helena who is an example of a ninja kick-ass chick to me at least

Quote from: Sophia on April 27, 2011, 12:57:38 AM
But really androgynous in a positive sense means having both male and female characteristics much like Helena who is an example of a ninja kick-ass chick to me at least

Funnily enough Jenny and I were talking about this last night and we came to the conclusion i'm a very femme tomboy...but i'll take ninja kick ass chick as well 

For me the biggest change I did not expect has been the mental change. Not only being calm and happy and depression has gone, but I'm thinking female. I'm sorry that is an odd expression but mentally I've always been female, but with killing T or adding E&P things have changed. I do think about things differently, I see situations differently, I think this is the area were I am being outed more and more. Even in boy mode, woman are picking me as female and guys are rejecting me as male. And again I do not act as the high priestess of camp. Far from it. I just act as any normal woman would, I think .

Am I what I expected? I don't know. I never knew what to expect. But Goddess I'm very happy with the results so far.

In another thread I mentioned finding pics of me 20 yrs ago wearing female clothing, and I say that deliberately, I now have pics of me, as in my avatar. I look so different and it is not the age difference. I'm a mature woman. Some may say attractive, and if you disagree I'll scratch your eyes out

Cindy

I turned out exactly as I imagined, though the mental changes went beyond what I could ever had known prior to hormones, this turned out to be a most pleasant surprise, pretty much what CindyJames said. Before I even began to make changes to myself, physically and in the way I lived, I was realistic from the start. I had a long time to consider many things about transitioning from how I think I would look, to how I would dress, to my behavior, and that everything would have to be gradual, that at first I would have to deal with ridicule, and that I would be taking hormones probably for the rest of my life, there was no turning back once I got started and I didn't want to either, and living out the rest of my life as a woman, growing old as a woman. But I knew it would work out fine for me (I knew myself very well, so I knew this was right for me), that I would actually be happier with myself, I knew this to be who I was supposed to be. I took time studying my body, my face, and thought, you know, I can pull this off, that I could actually be a prettier woman than a so-so looking guy (as was there had been occasions that people had mistaken me for a girl prior to me even doing anything to feminize myself) I got the body and face structure that it wouldn't be hard for me to blend in as any other natural born female, just needed a boost, something to soften up those hard edges.



I knew that it would take some time to see some real noticable results, and also didn't expect miracles, I probably would not grow very large breasts, so long as I had something soft and jiggly and have a reason to wear a bra that all I asked for (of coarse I still wish I could have larger boobs), and I could gain some weight and fat redistribution, I was all for it, the phatter the better, and best of all, very few erections once on hormones (this is what I wanted stopped most of all). It was not going to stop growing body or facial hair (nope, still had to rely on shaving and plucking), my voice would not change (I'd have to work on the myself), adams apple would still stand out-hey, look at me! (this I sometimes hated more only because its not so easy to hide). Because I wasn't really that masculine acting of a guy to begin with, though also not feminine, kinda in the middle, adopting a more female mannerism shouldn't be too hard either, though still did take some practice, anything new almost always does. Everything worked out as I figured, some things even better, but one thing not so much, that I would have trouble keeping up with being able to get hormones due to not being able to afford everything that goes into getting them.



And now that I've been off of the hormones for a long while (money issues) I'm seeing all those results in reverse, also just as I expected yet could do nothing about as I watched and felt those wonderful changes being undone, my mental state has been tested that's for sure, nothing pleasant here. I still look good though, better than many real women, real as in the whole package, body and mind, unlike myself, I might have somewhat of a female mind, but my body is clearly not. While on the hormones, because it gave me some inner peace, and a more bangin' body despite certain equipment, while I still hated having a penis and whatnot, because it was pretty much useless except for peeing, I could deal with it, lets just say I wasn't thinking destructive thoughts of self mutiliation, not like I have been for the past year and a half+. One thing that I have come to know though that I always thought the opposite about myself all my years, I used to think that I was a weak coward, contrary I'm strong of mind and very courageous to have gone through all the obstacles that I had to becoming me. I am a woman, maybe not now in body, and maybe my mind is a bit upset right now, but it'll all be right again, as right as can be without being born as such.

Well when I started I didn't expect anything. But then I of course begun changing and I got some expectations.

There are a few suprises.
1: Freckles?
2: Hmm never noticed boys smell before.
3: I kinda hoped my boobs would be bigger... oh well.
4: Frizzy hair... ugh... my hair misbehaves in new and imaginative ways.

I didn't expect that not begin so depressed would have such a profound effect as my development as a person. I thought I would be same old same old but I'm much more outgoing, Happier more confident (Things my friends point out)
However it's not all positive I have noticed that I'm alot more bitter angry and cynical than I used to be. Due to the traumas I've experienced due to my condition. The harm I suffered from Christians, Doctors, Some family members ect.

Quote from: Helena on April 27, 2011, 04:13:25 AM
Funnily enough Jenny and I were talking about this last night and we came to the conclusion i'm a very femme tomboy...but i'll take ninja kick ass chick as well 

very femme tomboy would be the meeting of all of the sides of my personality   You've got it Helena I think it's the best of all worlds

Before i started transition i thought i wouldn't pass without surgery, after over 2 years of HRT i am passable (even get asked out sometimes) i look a lot like a cross between what my mom and my sister looked like at the same ages.  My mom mistook me for my sister once even from a distance of about 10' and she can see fine, although as i came closer the height difference gave me away.