Just who am I?
I'm male, and genetically so. I'm heterosexual. Women's clothing does not sexually arouse me, nor do I want to "transform" into a woman in dress-up.
"So what's the big deal?"
There are "minor" expressions I have that run against gender roles, and it is my belief these are for functional reasons rather than for me to "be" something. I've allowed my nails to grow out for 2-3 weeks at a time really my whole life (between laziness and wanting the ability to use my nails to open things). My recent decision to shave my body (save the noggin and around the eyes) hasn't attracted hostile attention yet -- although I still need to endure the moment of truth for my legs. [Shaving is something I do strictly for physical comfort reasons, for the record.] So far, so good.
Where things get different is that I would like to extend this principle to clothing. This desire sometimes involves borderline things (satin dress pants, slightly feminine top) that can be sold as male with only minor difficulty, particularly if they are combined with other suitable items. However, sometimes my gut tells me to go with something that happens to be more gendered, sometimes even a (*gasp*) dress.
That's really all there is to it. Of course, some elaboration is in order. Read the questions you want to. Skip the ones you don't need to look at.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
#1: How can a real man act "feminine?"
#2: You totally sound like a CD. Aren't you just in denial?
#3: Are you androgynous?
#4: Are you really a MtF TS?
#5: Why doesn't this make you a TV?
#6: Could you be a drag queen?
#7: Doesn't you putting on a dress or something make you someone who is insulting women?
#8: Have you considered Community Theater?
#9: If women's clothing is so great, why don't you wear it all the time and be a woman?
#10: You said you only wear clothing for functional reasons. How can women's clothing ever be functionally suitable for man?
#11: Wouldn't dressing exotically make you gay?
#12: You sound pretty Goth to me. Aren't you just emo?
#13: You have no business putting on a dress. Men simply do not look good in them. What's going on here?
#14: Are you some kind of sh...?
#1: How can a real man act "feminine?"
I have a sex (male). I have a gender identity (male). However, gender expression is something I believe to be primarily a social construct. The differences in talent, behavior, and expression are instituted by society and typically do not reflect the natural will of the person. Yes, sometimes society's assigned behavior will fit you. However, quite often, the behavior will be wrong, and you will feel it. Other times the behavior is wrong for you, but the fact it is wrong will be so subtle that you will not think anything of it. In practice, the extent that society is "correct" in its guess is more attributable to dumb luck rather than insight about one's sexuality. "Masculine" and "feminine" are just constructs.
Is there natural variation *between* genders that is of statistical significance? In many regards, yes, there are some trends. However, this variation is typically less than the variation *among* a gender; so while gender is often a factor, it is rarely the primary factor and typically not a major one. As a whole, the differences between genders are greatly overstated.
It is within this philosophy that my situation will make most sense. Most of the time, there's no problem. I can be disinterested in racecars and beer and embrace empathy and cooperation. Academically, I'm primarily into mathematics, but I am also interested in psychology, and if I had different bits underneath my pants, I may have very well been led down that road instead. Yet in terms of society and its institutions, I am approaching a point where I can be the true me, in spite of the culture's effort to derail me.
#2: You totally sound like a CD. Aren't you just in denial?
Nope. Someone who is a CD at least has some respect for gender expression and intends to "become" female in a role play sense. I do not desire to pass as female or even feel I am female. Also, I have no interest in make-up/perfume/lipstick, I am mostly disinterested in nail painting, and I am ambivalent towards hair length (which I would only want to do naturally). Even when it comes to clothing, I am not interested in many female/girly things, including lace, glitter, and particularly short dresses/skirts. And when I'm dressed up, my mannerisms remain the same.
#3: Are you androgynous?
I may express myself androgynously in a sense, but I still feel male; again, it's just that my sense of male is rather distinct compared to other concepts of manhood.
#4: Are you really a MtF TS?
Nope. I feel male; I'm just not what society wants out of males. And for what it's worth, my penis and I have a healthy relationship with each other.
#5: Why doesn't this make you a TV?
I'm not intending to become female or to present a female identity, nor does dressing up provide substantial arousal. There is sometimes some incidental stimulation, but it seems to be a consequence of the mechanics of the apparel (snug, smooth, the idea that the wearer is to be seen as "sexy") rather than the fact the clothing is feminine.
#6: Could you be a drag queen?
No. In the typical sense of drag queen, you have men not just dressing as female (like a CD), but acting and looking like females in an exaggerated way. Not only does this take me farther away from who I am (by going to an extreme), but it also makes a caricature of women, and that's just not the sort of thing I can stand for under any circumstance.
#7: Doesn't you putting on a dress or something make you someone who is insulting women?
I hope not. I do not think women adopting some of men's fashion are done as an insult to men; I think it is just something they are more comfortable with in the particular situation. For me, it is the same thing. There are many men who dress-up to mock women or otherwise be silly, but that is because their attitude and context of the situation is hostile, insulting, or at least a farce. It is just a comfort/expression thing for me, and I believe the rest of my presentation will demonstrate I have no ill will.
#8: Have you considered Community Theater?
That's the wrong way to go about things. Again, any time I would be dressed up would be in constrained circumstances (which goes against the natural flow of things), and unless I am passing, I will typically be presented as an element of comedy. I am not going to place myself in a situation where I am insulting who I truly am; that's just suicide.
Besides, I suck at acting.
#9: If women's clothing is so great, why don't you wear it all the time and be a woman?
Not all women's clothing is that great. Much of it does not allow the wearer great mobility (skirts/dresses) I want in most settings, and much of it exposes more of me than I would like to on a regular basis. But more importantly, I still feel that I am ultimately a man, and pretending otherwise would just replace one problem with a bigger problem. Even going as a CD part time does not really help, because I would still be constraining myself to limited circumstances, and I would still be *faking*. I am not a woman (ever), and I am not the sort of person that wants to be something I am not.
Some of the best stuff is traditionally female, and some of it is traditionally male.
#10: You said you only wear clothing for functional reasons. How can women's clothing ever be functionally suitable for man?
Mobility is a major component of functionality, so that would seem to eliminate a lot of heavily-female clothing, namely skirts and dresses. However, fashions such as 3/4 sleeves, Capri pants, and halter tops would technically remain feasible as they do not hinder movement. From a casual perspective concerned with mobility, males do have a decent array of options, and there is just a modest array of things that would turn up red flags. But lots of male clothing is just fine and sometimes even more desirable for me.
In more formal settings, mobility and comfort is tossed aside for the sake of presentation, so the flood gates are re-opened. Whether you're in a dress/gown or in a suit/tux, you're not going to be particularly comfortable, and you're going to have limited mobility (men have a little recourse after removing their jacket, but any sort of physical exertion will soon lead to perspiration in a hurry.) In this vein, with the emphasis on presentation, male clothing becomes especially boring (even compared to casual settings), and they really have little recourse for claiming anything feminine as their own, especially in high formal events (where they are stuffed into tuxes). Even though women are essentially constrained to dresses and gowns, there is great variety in them, and I simply want to tap into that great resource so I can express myself more sufficiently.
#11: Wouldn't dressing exotically make you gay?
No, gay is a sexual orientation -- it's not what one wears. Besides, even though it shouldn't matter, I have no interest in many of the things that are stereotypical of the flamboyant gay culture: I don't want leather, PVC, chaps, exposure of most of my body, and my speech is by all means "normal."
#12: You sound pretty Goth to me. Aren't you just emo?
I don't believe I display the sensitivity, hurt, or gloom consistent with an "emo" personality, nor am I anywhere close to suicidal. Nor I have a desire to be a part of a counterculture. I'm just who I am. The fact that some Goth guys wear dresses is a coincidence; I had no idea about this trend until recently.
#13: You have no business putting on a dress. Men simply do not look good in them. What's going on here?
I disagree, but I will offer a qualified explanation. Admittedly many dresses cut very badly for men. Many dresses have busts that go 8-10 inches farther out than the waist, but even worse, the dress does not widen until right before the boobs/moobs. A man's chest, unlike a woman's, does not taper off until a good four inches below the boobs/moobs, so you have the lower chest really blocking any hope of a good fit, short of undergoing surgery or faking some substantial boobs (neither of which I am interested in, because of their disingenuous and meddling nature). However, there is some recourse. One option is to get a desired dress altered. The other is to find a dress style that happens to be more forgiving; there are even many showy/beautiful ones that do not taper at the waist or are at least less severe in doing so. With a little work and luck, you can at least find a decent fit.
As for it being a good or bad look, I believe this to be a social construct more than anything. People undoubtedly had evaluated (and admittedly in few cases still evaluate) women poorly for dressing in more masculine attire. However, as time wears on, people have grown acclimated to it; in most parts of the developed world, it is no longer considered a big deal in terms of evaluating such a woman. It's just an exposure thing; the more you see something, the more normal it seems.
However, the particular barrier for me isn't going to come down on its own, especially with the culture of "man in a dress" as a punch-line. People have to demonstrate this isn't necessarily a big deal or a joke, and a few brave souls have done so. However, the scale is insufficient, and running away from it will just slow things down that much more.
#14: Are you some kind of sh...?
I do not want to change my biology to look more female, so no.
