Hi guys,

I really need some advice. My cousin is getting married this summer and I have been invited to her wedding. Since she lives abroad she doesn't yet know about my transition (nor do my aunt or uncle). I recently came out to my immediate family, my mum is still really struggling with it, so they haven't told anyone yet.

Thing is, I would love to attend her wedding and share her joyful day, but I am also worried that it would offend my extended family and her guests... I think my cousin is a pretty open minded person but when it comes to trans matter, sometimes you just can't predict someone's reactions.....

So basically, do you guys think that I should go to her wedding? If so, do you think I need to write to her in advance to let her know about my situation etc?? I am rubbish at writing letters, how should I explain it? 

Would really appreciate your help and suggestions!

If your presence in any way detracts from her day you should not go.

Alright people please don't flame me but I agree with Tekla on this one. She is going to want her wedding day to be remembered for her wedding day and not the day they all found out  Do you think it will cause a huge scene? If not then I say go for it if you think you will blend and everyone will stay focused on her. If not you might consider other options like going for a gender neutral way of life while you are at the wedding, even if that changes as soon as you leave the wedding. 

I think you should tell her ahead of time giving you all time to discuss it. I agree you shouldn't take away from her special day but I don't think you should have to miss it either. If it were me I would call and have a serious conversation with her, letting her know where you are and what your transition means to you and go from there. I wish you luck brother, be strong!

~J~

I also agree with Tekla.

This is her day. Not a coming out party.

If you go I would consider her wishes when deciding on what you are going to wear.

Now when you are full time in the future it would be a diferant story.

tekla reads (and remembers) etiquette books. (Post, Vanderbilt, Manners)  This is just basic social manners.  That's why lots of real famous people don't go to weddings, because they would get attention that would detract from the event itself and that would be wrong.

I agree with Tekla too.

I was going to go to my cousins Catholic wedding in a suit, with an obnoxious lesbian date because I wanted to ruin her wedding. Sounds horrible but my mother was in on it too. My cousin hurt my family badly (not just because she was getting married though) and the only people on her side who went were my grandparents and her siblings.

Anyway, it's hard for us to know the circumstances. In events like this before did you wear a dress or a suit? If you wore a dress and think that just the suit will stand out then just talk to her about that but don't go into detail about transitioning. That's a whole different story that she can wait to listen to. If you normally wore a suit then I don't see the problem. Just don't bring up the transitioning thing and act like it's just old news.

I would either 1. Let them know ahead of time, and if it's a huge issue then not go or 2. Dress in a very gender neutral way.  I wore a button down shirt with slacks to my cousin's wedding, and nobody seemed to care.  However, if it's a more formal/traditional wedding, that may be harder.

Definitely let her know well in advance if you really want to come out to everyone by appearing at her wedding as the gender you are and not the one they have known all these years. But really, not exactly the best time, this is something she's going to want to remember as her big day, not the day that her cousin came to her wedding and caused a scene by dressing as the opposite sex they are used to knowing you as. Either be your physical birth self if you must go (come out sometimes after that while there aren't any important events going on where you are expected to attend), or decline to go, though even that may offend, you not showing up. Talking with her, she may take it okay and have enough of an open mind to accept you as who you really are, but doesn't mean that she would want you to go to her wedding like that as many of the other guests may not take too well to it whether they know you are not (wedding could be a disaster as a result), or she would not accept what you are and you just won't be invited. Tough decision, sucks that you never know how people, which includes relatives, will react to you (or any of us) being transgender and wanting/having to live our lives as the opposite sex we were physically born as, lest we be miserable with ourselves forever.

Either don't go, or dress feminine. It would be a different case were you out or had attended similar family events as you are before, but I'm assuming if they live abroad you haven't seen them in a while.

As others have said this is basic manners. A woman's wedding day is a very precious thing and anything that detracts from her joy of the day has to be avoided. By the sounds of it your close family are having problems and I hope they overcome them, but it would be very rude to come out at your cousin's wedding and be the centre of 'attraction'.

Personally I think it would also be poor manners to tell her, to 'let her decide' again that  would detract from her day, as she may be thinking and worrying about you rather than her own concerns.

Personally I suggest you go as her 'female' cousin. Tell her later that you are male but you didn't want to upset her or her guests on her wedding day. I'm sure she will love you for it and be accepting of you. Unless we are fully out to all our friends and family I believe we still need to act with discretion in many circumstances. Good manners are the oil of society (as someone famous said).


Cindy

Thanks everyone for your responses. First of all let me just clarify that I in no way wish this to become my coming out party.

All my relatives have known me since I was young, so they know that I never wear women clothes anyway. Indeed I think my cousin will get a massive shock if I turn up in a dress, and I will get a lot of attention if I appear as a dude in a dress on the day...

So my main issue was not about what to wear to her wedding, but genuinely I need some help with how to handle the situation now that my voice is much deeper and I am getting facial hair etc. And judging from the responses it seems like I really shouldn't go. I truly want my cousin to remember that day as her happy day. Also I am sure some people will  think that I am hiding because I feel ashamed of being trans, which I am not. Part of me is also worried that if I do not attend, my parents will feel that being trans has really affected my life negatively and made me unable to be a normal person,does anyone understand what I mean

I have to agree with the others.  Even though it may cause you pain, it is her day after all. 

Maybe a Tux, or a suit.  Just as long as you don't become the center of attention.

Shave and don't speak very much.

You'll be fine.

A little offtopic (sorry!) but what about a funeral of let's say, my grandmother...it's something I am thinking of a lot and while she's still in good health for now she won't be with us forever

I prefer to stay away from my family not to get all eyes on me and having to explain what Ive been doing with my life.

Very good topic btw

Quote from: YinYanga on April 30, 2011, 01:27:55 PM
A little offtopic (sorry!) but what about a funeral of let's say, my grandmother...it's something I am thinking of a lot and while she's still in good health for now she won't be with us forever

I prefer to stay away from my family not to get all eyes on me and having to explain what Ive been doing with my life.

Very good topic btw

I would count on your family having the manners to behave properly at your Grandmother's funeral.

At large gatherings, people usually want to talk about their lives rather than ask about others.

  Go as you were, it's her wedding, don't detract from that.  I am going to my brother's wedding about the same time wearing my male shirt and dress slacks.  It will be an informal affair at his house anyway and I'm the family photog.  I don't have any women's clothing yet but I may start crossdressing after that. 
  Joelene

Guys, I really really appreciate all the responses. I have been feeling really down about this all day.... but at least I am thinking hard about the problem!

Quote from: Joelene9 on April 30, 2011, 01:40:19 PM
  Go as you were, it's her wedding, don't detract from that. 
  Joelene

I would usually wear a suit to weddings, I did that for my gf's cousin's wedding recently. It was well received, but again their family is much more open-minded.

By the way, I'm already on T (have been for nearly 5months now), so if I go in a suit, I will definitely look and pass as a guy. I was wondering how I should handle this.

Just to sum up, possible solutions suggested so far:

1) Go but Wear feminine clothing 

Problem is I never wear women's clothing, even before starting T, everyone in my family (relatives included) know this and accept this. Also I am now nearly 5 months on T, I think suddenly wearing a dress would make them think that I have gone mad and to people whom I've never met, they will think that I am a dude wearing a dress.... which would probably make a scene and embarrass my cousin further.

2) Go in a suit/tux, and write to cousin beforehand to explain

I think my cousin would expect to see me in a suit anyway, but she doesn't know about my transition. So she won't be expecting to find my voice has changed/facial hair/body shape etc. I was originally thinking of writing to her in advance, but as some have suggested, perhaps it is bad manners to even make my cousin "make the choice"? Because even if she finds it offensive, she would find it difficult to ask me not to go? I am really struggling with this right now... as I really don't know what to do. I think my cousin's happiness is the top priority here.

3) Do not go, write and explain about my circumstances

Tell her I would have loved to share her big day with her, but because of all the stuff happening I don't feel it's appropriate and the last thing I would want to do is to ruin her big day etc etc. Pros: Won't put my cousin in a bad position, also I won't have to face my relatives and other family friends. Con: I feel like I am running away from the problem, I know I should not be hiding from the problem and other people. At the same time, I want to shield my cousin and family from other people... does it even make sense anymore?

4) Do not go, make up a lame excuse

This would be the easiest to execute. And I probably won't see her for a while, which means I can hide even longer and won't have to face all those people. This is tempting, but I feel this is the wrong choice. Can't put my finger on why though.

Quote from: YinYanga on April 30, 2011, 01:27:55 PM
A little offtopic (sorry!) but what about a funeral of let's say, my grandmother...it's something I am thinking of a lot and while she's still in good health for now she won't be with us forever

I prefer to stay away from my family not to get all eyes on me and having to explain what Ive been doing with my life.

Very good topic btw

When I was pre-T, I went to a funeral of a relative. I wore pretty gender neutral clothing, blank trousers, white shirt and a black jacket.
Some relatives thought I was a younger boy relative, but everyone was so immersed in the atmosphere of mourning, I doubt anyone had time to really think about an insignificant kid.

In any case, at funerals people don't usually chat a lot, I remember mostly they talked about the person who passed away. You can always just keep solemn and to yourself. I am sure most people would be sensitive enough to leave you in peace.

All that has already been said, is perfectly correct. But with one big stipulation: is this her first wedding? If not, if she's now getting married for the second or third time, I think it would be perfectly acceptable for you to come out to the other side of the family as long as it's agreed upon by the majority of those involved (meaning that both the bride and groom approve).