So, I'm not feeling too great right now.  Not physically, but emotionally/psychologically.  It sucks when you think of one thing, and then suddenly there's even more that just pile on it.  Like, why couldn't I have just been born a boy?  That would have made things so much easier.  I wouldn't have to worry about losing friends or family.  I wouldn't have to worry about what to tell people when I meet them in the future.  I wouldn't have to worry about binding.  Saving up money to get surgery.  Injecting myself every week.  I would have had the body I'm supposed to have.  I kinda feel like Pinocchio.  All I want is to be a real boy.  And then I wonder, how will anyone ever want me?  How will anyone ever love me?  Why would a guy want to be with me when I don't have a penis?  I just feel like I wouldn't be good enough for anyone.  Cause I'm not complete.  I'm not whole.  I'm not a "real boy".  Yet I have no problem viewing other trans people as real men and real women.  It just seems like with myself, I don't see it.  Therefore I don't feel like I'd be good enough.  I wouldn't be wanted.  I mean, I think I have a pretty good personality.  I think I'm a pretty good person.  But a relationship is physical too.  There has to be attraction.  And I have things that guys don't have, and don't have things that they do.  So how would a gay guy be attracted to me or want to do anything with me?  I just don't know what to do.  I want to be loved.  I want someone to love me for who I am.  But how can I expect that, when I can't even completely love myself?  Why does this have to be so hard?

How do any of you deal with these things?

Hi Jake,
    Just take a deep breath and live each day one at a time.  No matter who we are we can all, I assume, look at the road ahead and if we look far enough, it can look pretty damn negative. 
    There are a ton of people out there and a wide variety of interest and one day you will find somebody that is perfect for you.  Don't degrade yourself, it takes a special kind of person to live through all the crap we do.  When you find the right person for you, they won't care how you were born because they will see you for who you are and support you in your changes and future.

Hey man, I definitely understand how you're feeling.  I have a lot of the same fears, but looking at how many trans people have wonderful relationships, I can't help but hope that there's a future like that waiting for me.  Heck, a guy in my transmen's group just proposed to his girlfriend last week.  You seem like a great guy, and you're pretty cute.  There will be people more than happy to be with you.

QuoteYet I have no problem viewing other trans people as real men and real women.  It just seems like with myself, I don't see it.  Therefore I don't feel like I'd be good enough.

Man, I feel you there, and I think most of us have at one point or another.
You've got to ask yourself, seriously, what makes anyone a man/woman?

If a woman has breast cancer, or has a hysterectomy, she's still a woman isn't she?
Likewise if a man loses his downstairs bits, or has gynomastia (sic) he's still a man, no?

It's a hell of a lot harder for us to realize this and actually think like that, but it doesn't change the fact that gender is more mental than anything.
I know how miserable it feels, how hopeless it seems. I don't have a job, and I've been looking for four years. I don't want to go on T, but I need surgery. There's days where I just want to OD and not deal with any of it, but I keep dragging the hell on. There's always going to be ups and downs, it just seems for a lot of us they're so magnified that it gets damn near impossible to keep things in perspective.

Man, I truly know what you're feeling. I get down like that a lot, feeling like I could never be good enough. Like, no matter what, I'll always be someone who doesn't fit in and isn't acceptable. As in, I could stay a fat, ugly girl or be a fat transguy, or if I become a thin but masculine woman who comes across as a bull dyke or if I become a thin transman without a penis, I'm always going to be someone who doesn't fit in to the expectations of most others. Although, through this forum, I did learn that gay guys will date transguys, and that blew my mind since I thought you'd have to have a penis to get a gay guy, whereas likewise, you have to have a very feminine, leaning on the slutty side sort of appearance to attract straight guys. And it sucks big time being stuck somewhere in between everything, being so undefined and having others find a way to define you. For me, I'm just called a dyke, a man-lady, and an it mostly. I had to go to Walmart again the other day, and I thought I had been passing like 99% in the last few weeks because most people wouldn't bother about me with the nasty glares like I always had before. Then this new lady pharmacist I hadn't seen before (I was picking up my grandma's meds for her) addressed me as ma'am, but did so with a smile and was totally unprejudiced to my weight and male appearance. So maybe it was just the confidence I had in thinking that I was being taken as male? And then I realized it's probably the D-cups there that give me away, and felt like everyone must think I'm a lesbian. Argh! -sigh- What are we to do? Being in-between sucks.

I feel for you...I have been having a hard time myself lately....check out my thread "I am sure some of you have been in this situation"

Quote from: Jake P on April 27, 2011, 09:31:36 PM
Like, why couldn't I have just been born a boy?  That would have made things so much easier.  I wouldn't have to worry about losing friends or family.  I wouldn't have to worry about what to tell people when I meet them in the future.  I wouldn't have to worry about binding. 

Man, I can totally feel you right now. I recently came out to my mum... and it didn't go too well. She basically thinks that there is something wrong in my head and that I can never be a true boy because I don't have a penis.

Which again plunged me into this downward spiral of questioning the same thing you did. - Why wasn't I born a boy? Why does my life need to be so much harder than other ordinary people? I am sick of worrying, worrying about my family, my friends, my work life, my future, future friends, future jobs, ..... the list goes on. In short, being trans sucks!! At least at the moment, it sucks!!! We're in the same boat buddy... I don't know why these things happen, but I believe things happen for a good reason.

QuoteYet I have no problem viewing other trans people as real men and real women.  It just seems like with myself, I don't see it.  Therefore I don't feel like I'd be good enough.... ... But how can I expect that, when I can't even completely love myself?  Why does this have to be so hard?

After what my mum said, I had this feeling too. She said that I will never find happiness in the future. And also I will never become a boy. As she said it, I really felt like killing myself. It's all so futile. Whatever I do, try to do and no matter how hard I try I will never be good enough. Not for her, and not for the rest of the world. So why bother?

But the thing is, I don't want to give up just like that. I want to see it to the end. I want to know the answer, will I be happy? Will I find acceptance in the future? In order to find out, I have to be strong and survive.

As I alluded to in my own thread,,,I have been going through a lot of stuff myslef based around the whole 'you will never be a REAL guy' scenario....
yesterday I finally fixed it at my gym that I use the upstairs tanning room to change instead of the womens room where I felt SO uncomfortable and too many guys there knew me as 'female' to do the mens locker room thing..

My point ? well it just gave me cause to think....If I don't fully accept myself as a guy and am still pussyfooting around the situation, how can others accept me as such.....

Just a thought....

Honestly dude, I don't "deal", I cope. I don't tell a whole lot of people what I do to cope, to stay alive. Half the time I don't even know why I bother to stay alive. I'm angry that nowhere will loan me the money I need for surgery, which is all I"m waiting for now that I"m approved and ->-bleeped-<-....its the money. I don't care about finding love, but I'm overcome with jealousy every time I see another guy. Kids. Adults. Old farts. Everyone. And I hate people in general. Why am I cheated out of what everyone takes for granted when they aren't. Even after surgery, I will never be normal. I want to reincarnate. But for some reason I know its not my time to die yet. So I keep fighting. I recently tried to have sex with another man, and found out that it doesn't do wonders for my dysphoria. So sex is out right now. People wonder why I'm always angry, full of rage. If only they knew.

Have you heard of meditation? Basically meditation means repeating some sort of mantra in your mind. The thing is that the ego likes to play this little game in what is called the pain body, where you ruminate over negative thoughts, over and over and over. The thing is that when we think 23 hours of the day "no one accepts me, I hate how I look, I wish I was just born in my target gender" you start to become that. Your sense of identity gets distorted and your "I AM" purpose falls into shambles.

Now. I will ask again, Have you heard of meditation? Well of course you have. Listening to relaxing music to calm down while you lay on your bed not thinking about anything is meditation. Now if you can use that relaxation to mull over positive and Light thoughts like, "The universe is infinite. I love myself no matter what others think. I am connected to everything as everything is connected to me. I am a handsome boy!" You will start to become them. And your true "I AM" purpose gets fulfilled.

Does that make sense?

I hope this helps you... for the good of every living being.

Love and Light