So a lot of my friends have been very supportive, calling me Luke, and not my female name and such. I have a friend and he told me "I completely support your decision and such and I'm cool with it, BUT you will always be "Chelsea" to me. And I'll never call you Luke, bc I've known you since High school. so I'm gonna call you Chelsea...

I'm just so WTF, how can you say you support me and not acknowledge me as a boy or call me by my new name...It's just frustrating.

Wow, that's incredibly annoying, not to mention pretty selfish.  He needs to understand exactly how this makes you feel, and if he still can't get it, then he has a lot to learn about life.  Comfort zones get pushed all the time and adaptability to change (even with our friends) is a crucial skill for navigating this world.  Sounds like he hasn't mastered any of the above.

Sorry, I don't mean to badmouth your friend, but it's the way I see it as an outsider to this situation.

My best friend has said something along the same lines.

She was the first one I told about my transgender feelings, she went with me to my first dr appointment, she lent me the money for my first script, she helped pick my name, she has helped me with makeup, clothes and hair etc. Originally she tried calling me Britney/she but it stopped. Then we kept having arguments about it and I got fed up. She eventually told me it's not fair for me to ask her to call me that. It makes her uncomfortable because when she says Britney or she, she doesn't feel like she's talking about me. She also said she doesn't know if that will ever change and I told her unless it changes then our friendship has an expiration date. We argued and then after a while we stopped talking for a while then I called her and left a long voicemail saying I love her and don't want to lose her so we'll just have to figure something out. She was on vacation so she got the message later and texted me saying that she will try to not use pronouns in general and that she'll try to call me B.

We have drifted a little apart, not because of this but because she has a boyfriend and I've recently become really close to my bestie Cassie. So at the end of the day, she is willing to try and honestly as tough as it is...if someone doesn't recognize or respect your name choice then they should be cut off. Someone told me that earlier in my transition and I refused to believe it. But at this point, living with my family as a male is adding to my depressed feelings. I decided a few weeks ago that when I move out,  and I am living on my own, I will not speak to anyone who does not call me Britney. Theirs no need for it. Right now I'm a little stuck.

This all sounds terrible but the thing is, when we decide to transition, their are many risks. One of those risks is I will love everyone I love. It's a reality for a lot of people. But it's just one more thing trans people have to deal with if they want to live as themselves.



I suggest sitting down with your friend and explaining how you feel. Explain how that name makes you feel. Just try and give him a little insight on how terrible it feels to be trans. No cis person can understand and I think they sometimes overlook it and they judge us when in reality they have no idea what we go through. Mentally, emotionally, etc.  Sorry for the super long response I guess I had a lot to say.

I've heard this from both sides--the perspective that if your friends are really your friends, they'll call you by your chosen name, and the perspective that if YOU really value your friends, you'll give them as much time as they need. I'd say that most of us are really somewhere in the middle, and everything depends on how much you value your friendship and how much your friend values you.

It sounds like your friend might actually be more resistant to your being trans than to the actual name change. If you had switched from a female name to another female name, do you think that for the rest of your life your friend would refuse to call you by the new name? I suppose some people would.

You might try the marriage example. If you were a girl, decided to marry and take your husband's last name, and really really wanted people to respect that, would this friend forever call you Miss Jones and refuse to acknowledge you as Mrs. Smith, for the rest of your life? I supposed that's happened, too, but it's pretty freaking obnoxious if you have made it quite clear that you want to be known as Mrs. Smith from now on and your friend simply "can't see you as married because I met you when you were single and you'll always be Miss Jones to me."

Some would argue that your situation goes beyond something so simple, but most people do take on a married identity when they marry, and, similarly, you are now declaring your male identity. If your friend says that marriage is different, ask why. Try not to be aggressive about it, though--just explain that you are trying to understand and that you want to explore the issue.

For myself, I do understand that people need time to adjust to a new name, especially if they don't see you very often. But at some point you'll have to decide how much you value this friendship and whether you can even classify this person as a friend when he can't even give you the respect of calling you by the name you chose. Now HE is choosing your name for YOU...how would he feel if you started calling him "Veronica" or "Evangeline" or "Sugar Bumps" because YOU think that name suits HIM better, and you don't care what he thinks?

I don't have any advice, but I just had to say....Sugar Bumps? 

I would leave that friend in the dust, as I have with everyone who treated me that way. I don't put up with stuff like that.
If they're true friends, they'll understand and respect you. If they aren't they won't. Simple. If they won't they're not worth it.

I would sit her down and tell her EXACTLY how it makes you feel and if she still will not begin to TRY and it will come easier with time, then yes, I would move on with my life without her in it.  You are YOU, not your name. People change their names all the time, via marriage and/or by choice.  No, it's not easy, but you adjust.  It will not be easy for me to adjust when my son becomes my daughter and changes his name when he is ready to move forward in his transition, but I love him enough, and respect him enough, to do it.  So should your friend.
  also, i wanted to thank you. You have helped shed light on this subject for me as I myself struggle with acceptance and education to better understand and move forward with my son.
  Good luck and happiness...

Quote from: Lee on April 30, 2011, 04:36:59 PM
I don't have any advice, but I just had to say....Sugar Bumps?

Thanks for the great advice, I'll sit him down and if that doesn't work. we'll go from there.

I really feel for you. I have been there, my friends always called me my old legal name even though they were fine with me being female.

I guess for me, what I had to do was give everything up and leave the state with nothing but the clothes on my back and a car to get me there. I started clean, and have had no problems.

Now of course that is probably not feasable to you... but I have recently been trying to contact all the people I knew from before. They are all calling me my new name.

I think once you begin to pass more, people will no longer see you as Chelsea because you are not a girl anymore, you are a bonifide butch dude that likes loud music and fast cars.

They will come around... trust me. Transition is a LOOOOOOOONG process. And it is hard for people to change over night. Accept it as part of the gig and move on. It won't be forever things will be like this.

I'm still struggling with this with some of my friends. They are trying to change, some have changed it in their phones and are working on addressing me in person. Others take time getting used to it. I try to enforce a nickname, instead of my birth name for people who are really uncomfortable. Doesn't really not make it inconsiderate and selfish, I just try to be understanding because it's new territory for a lot of them.

Funny, but I changed my name while I was still living as a female, and the only person who had trouble with it was my partner's mother--well, and his sister, for a little while. But we only saw them every few months, so it took a lot longer for them to change their habit.

Your friend sounds much like how my sister was with me. My sister for the first few years after I had my name changed refused to call me Megan, she still kept refering to me by my old name, as well as male pronouns. There was a lot of jealousy there among other emotions, okay so it will take some time, as was for anyone else, occasionally they'd (my mom, brother, a few others) get my names mixed up, as well as pronouns, but my sister, didn't even want to try. What's worst is that she would always correct her children whom at the time were still very young, everytime they called me Megan, or Meg, she'd tell then that's its not Megan, its Michael,and she'd be really stern about it to, lot of anger there against me. But then later on, after several years of this spiteful childishness, I don't know how, but it was okay to call me Megan now, thank goodness her kids were still young, the youngest didn't even remembr having an uncle Mike, the older one though he never brought it out till much later, remembered something, but not in full details I guess, just remembered that one time he had an uncle, the next an aunt, yet we were the same person, it didn't bother him. But even after the both of them were told about me, don't know how my sister went about it, what she said, but it didn't matter to them, they still loved me the same, afterall, they are still children, not much comprehension on the whole sex/gender thing yet. But yeah, sometimes people, even ones supposedly close to you can be so damn stubborn and selfish.

I was telling my mom, reading your post to her a moment ago, she said that its because he feels like he's losing something, that if he were to call you by your new male name, that the friend that he's know and cared about all these years would be gone (of course you really aren't, but its not the same to him), it would feel like he's lost you, or that you died, if he were to give in to calling you Luke instead of Chelsea, so he continues to call you by your old name. He may say he's supportive, but really he's most likely hurt by the whole thing, and with the wanting to be called by a male name kinda finalizes what he's probably been in denial about, you wanting to live as a guy.

Quote from: Skys_the_limit on April 30, 2011, 02:51:06 PM
"I completely support your decision and such and I'm cool with it,

Obviously that is a bunch of ->-bleeped-<- because by saying he's still going to call you your old name and not even attempt to try to call you your new name that he doesn't not respect or support you at all.

Quote from: Skys_the_limit on April 30, 2011, 02:51:06 PM
And I'll never call you Luke, bc I've known you since High school. so I'm gonna call you Chelsea...

"well our friendship was cool while it lasted but now I've lost all respect for you and I'm going to have to end our friendship since you seem to have no respect for me"

Then ignore any calls, texts, emails, anything.  Delete him off your facebook or any other site you are friends on.  Shut him out. 

I have a similar problem with a friend but in terms of pronouns (I was already Chris before transtioning). She says, "you'll always be SHE to me!" despite being very supportive otherwise.

I would say you need to put your foot down. Yes transition touches everyone in your life, but our (true) friends need to make the changes.

I think Arch and Chris said it best.
I know how awkward that is, I've got a pair of friends that have gotten great with names but they can't seem to get the pronouns down at ALL.
I can't say I've dealt with someone outright refusing, though.