Right now I'm really close to starting HRT, and I've got my legal documents in order. I should be so happy at this point, I've had therapy for many months to reach this point. But instead I feel awful and very weary
Why....well even though I am totally prepared to undergo medical transition, it feels like the whole world doesn't want me to transition. Especially from the people who should be the closest to me.
I've come out to my mum and although she accepts me being transgender, she doesn't understand the full magnitude of transition. I approached her on the subject of hormones and she got really anxious telling me not to do anything to my body, so I dropped the subject. However hormones to me are a serious matter since I am not passing very well without, which to me is the entire purpose of transition....
I know that after some time on T my body is going to change and i really don't want her to object to those changes. I'm in uni and live at home (I'm asian so this is a NORMAL phenomenon) and I'm not keen right now to uproot myself right now due to being financially dependant on my parents.
Haven't come out to my dad yet but i'm scared to. His principle is 'my way or the highway' and he disapproves of almost any new ideas from my brother and I because we haven't lived 40 odd years on earth like himself and therefore can be easily influenced/have no idea of what the world is like. The real issue with ->-bleeped-<- is that it's self-diagnosed at first. He also can't accept anything from anyone unless they are highly qualified (luckily my therapist is a well renowned psychiatrist). And even still he might think i'm just being 'played' by someone or that it's some kind of trend. I don't consider it a trend to be ostracised by others now than when I wasn't when living as a female, I find it miserable to be instantly labelled as a bull dyke. I'm just kind of sad now to have abandoned my friends, I don't have any real support group anymore. Well my father, ever since I've been living as a full time male, he is constanntly insulting me for not looking like a proper woman, saying how ugly I am and praising my brother overtly in front of me....I am thick skinned but there is a limit to everything. He has such a black and white perspective of everything that I'm am concerned about what coming out to him is going to do to our relationship.).
I've considered getting my parents to talk to my psych...but I have this fear that they'll enter with a "There were no signs!" or "Is there a test for this to make sure?" (lol they are engineers, it's all about facts and figures) Like when it comes to things like GRS, where to a cisgender person, are altering your healthy organs to improve your mental health. I don't think nontrans people can truly understand why we decide to inject the opposite sex's hormones or have surgery, so I guess my parent's objections translate to their concerns...but I don't want those concerns to dictate what I do with my life. And in spite of transition, I just want to live my life! I feel like these obligations to certain people are just weighing me down.
also...anyone feel like discovering about ->-bleeped-<-/transition was a bit like opening Pandora's box? I guess if I hadn't discovered those things I would have continued to live life very confused and frustrated (i found it hard to develop meaningful relationships with others including my family because of my extreme internal conflict), but even now I am facing all these host of problems, many of which are beyond my control. Arg I just hate how pre-transition, I was accepted by all but couldn't accept myself, and now I've finally come to terms with my identity but rejected by others. I can't win...
So mentally exhausted, feel like hibernating for life lol. I'm just in a bit of a rut right now, had to get this out.
