Hi All,

I'm a mid 30's year old crossdresser, but I'm not sure any more what I am. As long as I can remember I liked female clothing, but looking back it just not the female clothing it's the whole package and the more I think about being male the unhappier I get. I have always been jealous of women throughout my life, wishing I was one. I always tracked this to some transvestic fetish,  but after sharing this information with my partner (female) and my doctor, I've feel like I'm broken some barrier of shame that I couldn't express before, and had awoken something in me, I knew was there but not ready to acknowledge.

Unfortunately I have a life, a descent one at that, I'm engaged, have a house etc...  But now I feel like it's all a lie. I love my fiance, but not sure if I love myself, and although she knows I crossdress. She would never accept me as a woman partner, nor would I want her to, she like men.

Looking back , I have just come to realize that I've never really been attracted to women... and in this realization I am finding my self fantasizing about men. I have always fantasized about being a woman while having sex and  I have only had sex with women, but it's always been like an experiment to view the pleasure of being real female first hand.  The only way I can seem to climax it to fantasize about being a woman, but now I get so much more aroused because I started actually visualizing an actual man taking me.  Imagining his body against mine, his hands all over my body etc...

This might sound like some kind of fetish, but it's more than that, and it feels like it always had been, I just ignored it, hoping it was something else, out of fear. I'm really starting to hate my body. Every woman I see, as always,  I am so jealous of but it's getting so much more intense. I wonder way I wasn't born like that. That's who I want to be, just not externally, but I feel it on the inside like never before. And it scares me

I think I know want I need to do, but it effectively ends my current life as I know it, my life as a man with a partner whom I love more than anything. But by not doing nothing and ignoring it as always I'm still doing something unhealthy for both me and her. I should want her to be happy, and I so want her in my life, but I know at the bottom of my heart that staying is wrong, no matter how much I trying to convince or make pragmatic excuses (what to do about the house), etc...

Wow, that's a lot of expressing... writing this has made me quite sad...

Is there anyone here that has been in my shoes?

Are there any useful threads I should take a look at?

Thank you

Hi Transinnl,

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Hugs and Love,
Janet

Hi there Transinnl 

Welcome to the forums. Your life story sounds so similar to many of ours. I think a lot of us have been there and have had to make serious decisions in our life. No, it is not always easy. Think carefully as to who you want to be. Your decision will have far reaching consequences, and will induce a lot of hurt.

At the end of the day, you must do what is right for you. It is a decision that only you can make and not anyone else.

I wish you all the best in your decision. Please keep us posted.

You have a lot of friends here at Susan's. Enjoy your new family. If you need to know anything, please feel free to ask.

Many huggs

Maegan

Hi Transinnl,

Welcome and thank you for being smart to post. I think there are a number of things you need to sort out. Just to put things in perspective, I've been married 28 years and my wife new about me before we got married, in fact within weeks of us first going out. She was OK with it. I was sterile so there was no chance of children, IVF didn't really exist at that time. We had a comfortable life but I couldn't go out or be me in public.

You need heart to heart discussions with your fiancée and with a gender therapist with possibly at least one session with the three of you.

If you love her to bits you have to give her the right to her life. Most woman want a man and a family. In saying that I am in no way belittling other relationships. If the woman loves you, has spent time grooming you into her husband material she probably has high expectations that you are 'normal' male person who will father her children and let her live as your wife and companion. If you cannot do that you owe her the courtesy of truth.

There are many woman on this site who tried to live as family men and failed, in many cases ruining their partner's, their children's and their own lives.

TG is curable, it means living your life in the gender you identify with. That is the only cure, and it is often not a complete cure, it allows us to live but not live fully as the women we are.

Do think carefully about these very difficult decisions. And yes you have come to the totally right place to talk about them.

Hugs

Cindy

Hi Transinnl, it's nice to meet you! I think checking out the wiki section would be a good starting point, there is a ton of good information there. See you around, hugs, Tracey