I used to be all maternal, babysat allot as a teen and people told me how natural I would be as a parent. However bitterness for having to settle for fake equipment and never ever being able to have a child screwed with my head allot. Zero remorse though for my transitions and surgery; how could I feel remorse for a non-entity. Its like crying over losing fake money.

I pretty much shoved off all my irresponsible breeder friends and crying myself to sleep is a once monthly thing at most now and was pretty much every night after I had my infertility rubbed in my face. Think it might have something to do with the fact that I always knew deep inside that it was near 100% I was born sterile and you always want what you don't have I guess on such matters.

Adoption has never had any appeal for me either, its always felt to me like a ring of desperate people being taken advantage of by an outside power. My fiancé stated already he has no interest in paying to steward someone else kid, and with in these days of fully open only adoptions I see his viewpoint well.

I already wake up sticky and dirty - the female organs are way messier than male ones can possibly dream of being in the worst throes of pubescent obnoxiousness.

I don't care all that much about being fertile as male, since I know I wouldn't be able to reproduce with my preferred partners anyway. But I really, really want the correct plumbing. I want to be able to get a ->-bleeped-<- without having to explain my anatomy. I want to get rid of the painful exposed nerve endings in my current genitalia that are supposed to be sealed up and protected inside. I want my balls - I've been missing them ever since I can remember. I want to be able to ejaculate.

I can't imagine, as a guy, not wanting those things. I can't imagine being OK with the female parts. Just on a purely physical level, they feel wrong to me. I recognize that some trans guys feel differently, but i can't pretend to understand.

I hate having male parts I hate having to live with those two organs that mutilated me and tore a chunk of my life away. I hate putting on certain clothes and seeing the bulge I hate it when I'm flirting with someone and suddenly I have to run away because I'm a freak and they wouldn't understand. I hate having to take injections because I don't have ovaries just another thing that makes me feel like a freak.

The infertility certainly stings abit it makes me sigh and look down knowing that I had to sacrifice any hope of having a family of my own in order to survive that nightmare. It's also the knowing it adds another layer of long term relationship difficulty I know I can't ever have a kid. And even If I would be fine living with adoption would a hypothetical partner?