Just found out today that my step-dad isn't okay with me dressing. Seems weird since i've been doing it for months. WHY NOW? Very random. He said that I dress inappropriately and that I look "like a trashy whore" ... Which is weird because I feel like I dress so conservatively compared to other GG's my age.. Also he said there is absolutely NO WAY anyone will hire me as a girl. No way..   The worst part is that he didn't even have the guts to tell me. He told my mom to tell me. My mom is pissed and thinks it's ridiculous and just wants me to be happy. But unfortunately he is the bread-winner so what he says goes. The good news is that this has finally given my mom the push she needs to leave him (she's been with him for nearly 8 years.) So that news in itself is kind of amazing. The whole thing is bittersweet. Anyway, me and my mom have devised a plan to leave in at-least 16 months. Until then though, she said, I need to make him happy. Which means dressing like a boy. Which makes thinks awkward if friends come over. How confusing for them? Out of the house: GIRL In the house: BOY ... ughh.


Thoughts?

i say, don't even bother. be yourself no matter what. maybe your mom wants you to make him happy to keep peace in the house, but your stepdad doesn't have enough power to tell you to stop being transsexual. they need to learn a lesson, and unfortunately it sounds like it has to be learned the hard way. i don't think anything is worth being untrue to yourself. your own morals and what makes you happy are all that matter. what your doing is not illegal. it's a perfectly appropriate form of expression on your part, and deserves to be treated as such.

I can't really comment on how you dress, but your step-dad could just be playing the role of overprotective father. It's not really much consolation, but at least you're not in the wrong. As for all the other stuff... he doesn't sound like a very nice person. Like SpaceyGirl said, he has no right telling you who to be.

I really hope things work out for you.

I'm more concerned about you coming betwen your mom and her husband. In my experience, coming between 2 people, any 2 people, in any sort of relationship, always ends with you, in tears and the two, being stronger than ever.

TBH, conservative compared to some kids can STILL be viewed by adults as 'trashy whore.'  And the way the situation is posed, it begs the question of whether it is dressing in a comfortable manner that is the real issue or whether it is the manner of dress itself...

Quote from: spacial on May 04, 2011, 08:02:17 AM
I'm more concerned about you coming betwen your mom and her husband. In my experience, coming between 2 people, any 2 people, in any sort of relationship, always ends with you, in tears and the two, being stronger than ever.

I don't really think I'm getting between them, though. Aside from me, there are many issues with their relationship and our family in general. Lots of disfunction. Both him and my mom come from dysfunctional/alcoholic backgrounds. And each of them have many characteristics of adult children. Also on top of the emotional/mental abuse both of them were subjected to during childhood. My stepfather was severely physically abused (by his mother) and I'm assuming there has got to be some sexual abuse in the mix somewhere. He has violent mood swings and practices control. My mom on the other hand was not directly abused (physically) but was a witness to domestic violence on a daily basis. All of these things leave turmoil that cannot (in my opinion) be dealt with alone. They both need therapy. So as you can imagine, they have both been unhappy for quite some time. I know my mom has wanted to get out for a while now. So I don't think I'm getting in between them. They have their own issues to workout and I guess my situation just adds tension to an already sticky situation. Of course you could be right, and all of these conflicts could somehow become my fault but I really don't think that will happen. My mom told me yesterday, "I feel so awful because deep down I do have love for him but he has so many issues that I can't fix for him. And I feel like hes insinuating that I need to choose between my children and him. And there is no choice. You kids drive me crazy but you are my kids. I can't disown you or give up on you. So if that's the ultimadum then I can't be with him."

And she's very right. That is the ultimatum. He is at his wits end with my brother and I and I can't blame him. We also have many of the traits of adult children.

The situation is just awful but there's nothing I can do. I'm only 19. The economy is so hard to find a job in anyway, let alone if you are trans. I have tried and tried but to no avail.

Also, @spaceygirl, I somewhat agree with what you're saying but I am completely dependent on him. Also I am starting a vocational nursing program in June and I need somewhere to live for the duration of the program. It's one year long. So my plan is to remain in boy mode for one more year and then when I graduate, find a job and start in boy mode and then transition on the job. It will be difficult and a long road, but I see no other realistic option. Also the job market for LVNs (licensed vocational nurses) is terrible in California at the moment. But I'm wiling to relocate ANYWHERE there is a job for me. So yeah..

Quote from: Ann Onymous on May 04, 2011, 09:53:43 AM
TBH, conservative compared to some kids can STILL be viewed by adults as 'trashy whore.'  And the way the situation is posed, it begs the question of whether it is dressing in a comfortable manner that is the real issue or whether it is the manner of dress itself...

I really don't know. It came as a total surprise to me because I have been expressing myself for quite some time. And I was under the impression that he was okay with it. But appatently he's not. I think what it is, is that he just really wants me and my brother gone. And I think he genuinely thinks I will NEVER find a job as me. Which I realize is a genuine concern but also, I wish he had more faith in me.. Siigh

Quote from: drippin on May 04, 2011, 12:38:42 PM
The situation is just awful but there's nothing I can do. I'm only 19. The economy is so hard to find a job in anyway, let alone if you are trans. I have tried and tried but to no avail.

Also, @spaceygirl, I somewhat agree with what you're saying but I am completely dependent on him. Also I am starting a vocational nursing program in June and I need somewhere to live for the duration of the program. It's one year long. So my plan is to remain in boy mode for one more year and then when I graduate, find a job and start in boy mode and then transition on the job. It will be difficult and a long road, but I see no other realistic option. Also the job market for LVNs (licensed vocational nurses) is terrible in California at the moment. But I'm wiling to relocate ANYWHERE there is a job for me. So yeah..

Have you looked at student loan options?  If it is an accredited program, it would seem you would have some additional loans that can be secured to address costs beyond the classroom...one of the reasons baby lawyers come out of law school with so much debt is that a good $20-30K per year that they took out was designed to cover living expenses since some schools do not even let a 1L work that first year (and when schools DO permit it, ABA regulations limit the 1L to 20 hours per week).

Additionally, since you are seeking to transition anyway, your professional life will be infinitely easier IMO if you do so while in school (especially at the time you begin classes) since that way the certifications maintained by the State have one continuous track in your chosen name.  You also do not have to explain the situation to future employers after you leave the first place you begin working after completing the voc-ed program. 

And yes, the market for licensed nurses seems to be better elsewhere...even a client of ours currently incarcerated on a probation revocation has had offers upon the release from custody. 

drippin.

Try to use every moment, from this point, to plan how you intend to proceeed. I know it looks hopless, but try to be creative.

I say this because, however this pans out, you really and frankly, deserve, some independance.

I'm not suggesting you should leave your mom or anyone else. But that you need to have opportunities to stand on your own two feet, if the urgent need arises.

@ann, I was considering taking a bit more out of the student loan (which will be about 30k for the entire years tuition) and getting FFS done. My body is already basically passable. And my face is too, when I try. I cannot pass without my bangs and hair styled correctly, and reallistically there is bound to be some mornings where I am running out the door. I know some people say passing doesn't matter to them, and I respect that. But it does matter to me. I am transitioning so that I can function in society as a female, and be accepted as such. I feel that FFS would give me this. I live in Southern California, and I found an FFS surgeon in Mexico that does it for about $3,700. I know as soon as I say Mexico the warning signals go off, but I have researched him and read reviews about him and he seems to be legitimate. Also, he has years of experience. I have also seen his before and after photos and he seems promising. Also, the $3,700 covers the procedure, anesthetics, initial meeting, checkup and 5 days of hospital stay. So all I would need are plain tickets. I found them (to guadalajara) for 350 round trip. So even if I took an additional 5000 (on the student loan) I would have plenty for the procedure. And I truly think I would pass with no problems after having my brow and hairline corrected.. But then there's the problem of my stepdad. I would like to get the loan now, and get the FFS done asap, that way by june 30th I would be ready to go to school as a female. But my stepdad. I suppose I could get the loan (with the extra money for FFS) and put the extra in a CD account for a year, that way I wouldn't touch it and at the end of the program, I could get FFS and then apply for jobs as me.. How does that plan sound? Also, as far as the name goes, my name is gender neutral (Riley) So I don't want/need to change my name to blend in (atleast I don't think, do you?) So i'm lucky in that respect. And I was thinking maybe during the program I could get my gender changed to "F" so that when it ends, I can apply for jobs fully as me, with "F" on my ID and be passable.. I don't think my employer would question anything.. What do ya'll think of this? thoughts? Does it seem realistic?

@spacial I agree completely. However, I really see no way to do the program and be independent. Even if I went to the program (which is full time monday through friday) AND Worked a full time job (which would be near impossible, because the LVN program is very very rigorous) I still wouldn't be independent. Because with the cost of living in california (don't know how it is in other states) You cannot survive on minimum wage. You just can't. Even to rent a room somewhere will be atleast 400 a month. Plus gas, and car insurance, and this and that etc etc. So I think for the next year I really just need to stay under the radar (with my stepdad) and stay out of his way. I know it is risky and that the potential for me to be out on my own with no money is possible, but it's a necessary risk. Because if I can stay on his good side until the end of the program, I'll be fine. Because LVN's make enough to survive. In California, you start off with $3,000 a month (take home) which would be plenty to make my loan payment, and rent out a room somewhere. And even if I relocate, it will still be enough to atleast rent a room somewhere and pay my loan and have enough for food and toiletries and insurance, etc.


Also there is SOME good news. My brother (who's gay, and totally cool with my situation) is also doing the LVN program with me, and if we have to relocate to find work, we'll be doing it together. So that will make everything a little less scary. And between our combined incomes, I think we would have enough to rent a small apartment and still survive (wherever it is that we do end up.)


But yeah.. Independence just sounds so good. I cannot WAIT until the day that I know I am safe, and secure. And can be myself and do what I please. It will be a glorious day, and all of this stress and BS will be worth it

Quote from: drippin on May 04, 2011, 06:05:33 PM
@ann, I was considering taking a bit more out of the student loan (which will be about 30k for the entire years tuition) and getting FFS done. My body is already basically passable. And my face is too, when I try. I cannot pass without my bangs and hair styled correctly, and reallistically there is bound to be some mornings where I am running out the door. I know some people say passing doesn't matter to them, and I respect that. But it does matter to me. I am transitioning so that I can function in society as a female, and be accepted as such. I feel that FFS would give me this. I live in Southern California, and I found an FFS surgeon in Mexico that does it for about $3,700. I know as soon as I say Mexico the warning signals go off, but I have researched him and read reviews about him and he seems to be legitimate. Also, he has years of experience. I have also seen his before and after photos and he seems promising. Also, the $3,700 covers the procedure, anesthetics, initial meeting, checkup and 5 days of hospital stay. So all I would need are plain tickets. I found them (to guadalajara) for 350 round trip. So even if I took an additional 5000 (on the student loan) I would have plenty for the procedure. And I truly think I would pass with no problems after having my brow and hairline corrected.. But then there's the problem of my stepdad. I would like to get the loan now, and get the FFS done asap, that way by june 30th I would be ready to go to school as a female. But my stepdad. I suppose I could get the loan (with the extra money for FFS) and put the extra in a CD account for a year, that way I wouldn't touch it and at the end of the program, I could get FFS and then apply for jobs as me.. How does that plan sound? Also, as far as the name goes, my name is gender neutral (Riley) So I don't want/need to change my name to blend in (atleast I don't think, do you?) So i'm lucky in that respect. And I was thinking maybe during the program I could get my gender changed to "F" so that when it ends, I can apply for jobs fully as me, with "F" on my ID and be passable.. I don't think my employer would question anything.. What do ya'll think of this? thoughts? Does it seem realistic?

@spacial I agree completely. However, I really see no way to do the program and be independent. Even if I went to the program (which is full time monday through friday) AND Worked a full time job (which would be near impossible, because the LVN program is very very rigorous) I still wouldn't be independent. Because with the cost of living in california (don't know how it is in other states) You cannot survive on minimum wage. You just can't. Even to rent a room somewhere will be atleast 400 a month. Plus gas, and car insurance, and this and that etc etc. So I think for the next year I really just need to stay under the radar (with my stepdad) and stay out of his way. I know it is risky and that the potential for me to be out on my own with no money is possible, but it's a necessary risk. Because if I can stay on his good side until the end of the program, I'll be fine. Because LVN's make enough to survive. In California, you start off with $3,000 a month (take home) which would be plenty to make my loan payment, and rent out a room somewhere. And even if I relocate, it will still be enough to atleast rent a room somewhere and pay my loan and have enough for food and toiletries and insurance, etc.


Also there is SOME good news. My brother (who's gay, and totally cool with my situation) is also doing the LVN program with me, and if we have to relocate to find work, we'll be doing it together. So that will make everything a little less scary. And between our combined incomes, I think we would have enough to rent a small apartment and still survive (wherever it is that we do end up.)


But yeah.. Independence just sounds so good. I cannot WAIT until the day that I know I am safe, and secure. And can be myself and do what I please. It will be a glorious day, and all of this stress and BS will be worth it

drippin, if you have your brothers support, that is a good thing. things do have their peculiar ways of working themselves out.

Drippin,
  The situation with you mom and her husband is not usual.  I have been seeing too much of this with my friends and relatives in the past 20 years.  There were a lot of divorces of discord and emotional stresses caused by the children of the wife and her new husband.  This is not necessarily you nor your siblings fault on this!  This is a natural reaction.  A friend of mine married a nice woman with grown kids.  The marriage went well until one of her sons, a 35-year old, became jobless.  She allowed him to live in the basement until he got a job and an apartment.  He lingered for more than a year and played video games all day and didn't bother to look for a job nor he bother to ask to do the household chores.  My friend got into a nasty argument with him because he was always poking around when he wanted to be alone with his wife.   My friend's wife didn't like that and she told my friend to leave.  The divorce took 8 months and my friend had to wait until her lawyers allow him to go into the house to retrieve his machine shop items. 
  Another friend married a nice woman with the same situation.  She told her grown kids that he is her husband and that they will not cross him.  They are still married and my friend even helps his wife's kids on certain things that need to be done. 
  Drippin:  Your mother, if I read the posts right, has problems of her own and is attracted to another with the same problems.  There are a lot of that in this world.  This is something that your mother has to work out herself and hopefully that she remarries, she will make a better choice.   Getting an apartment with your brother is a good idea here.
  The situation with my generation (Boomers) is that about the only available women out there are widows and divorcees with a grown child living with them.  This is the second reason I don't date now, the first is my GID. 
  Joelene

Quote from: Joelene9 on May 04, 2011, 07:16:15 PM
Drippin,
  The situation with you mom and her husband is not usual.  I have been seeing too much of this with my friends and relatives in the past 20 years.  There were a lot of divorces of discord and emotional stresses caused by the children of the wife and her new husband.  This is not necessarily you nor your siblings fault on this!  This is a natural reaction.  A friend of mine married a nice woman with grown kids.  The marriage went well until one of her sons, a 35-year old, became jobless.  She allowed him to live in the basement until he got a job and an apartment.  He lingered for more than a year and played video games all day and didn't bother to look for a job nor he bother to ask to do the household chores.  My friend got into a nasty argument with him because he was always poking around when he wanted to be alone with his wife.   My friend's wife didn't like that and she told my friend to leave.  The divorce took 8 months and my friend had to wait until her lawyers allow him to go into the house to retrieve his machine shop items. 
  Another friend married a nice woman with the same situation.  She told her grown kids that he is her husband and that they will not cross him.  They are still married and my friend even helps his wife's kids on certain things that need to be done. 
  Drippin:  Your mother, if I read the posts right, has problems of her own and is attracted to another with the same problems.  There are a lot of that in this world.  This is something that your mother has to work out herself and hopefully that she remarries, she will make a better choice.   Getting an apartment with your brother is a good idea here.
  The situation with my generation (Boomers) is that about the only available women out there are widows and divorcees with a grown child living with them.  This is the second reason I don't date now, the first is my GID. 
  Joelene

I'm sure you're right. I can't imagine living with someone who had kids. (Unless they were very young and I could raise them as my own) The problem I have with this thought process is that in the beginning, he was a really nice guy. He encouraged my mom to come live with him and he enjoyed playing the role as "dad". The only problem with it, is that when it comes down to it, he is not my actual father. And he makes that very clear. If his children were in this situation, would he ever react the way he does with me? Probably not. When we first moved in, his 22 year old son was living here expense free, with no job, a credit card, a paid for jeep with a gas card and car insurance paid. All because he was a student. I never enjoyed any of these luxuries. I've been working since I was 15. And Again, I completely understand why I didn't enjoy any of these luxuries. He's NOT my father, and he doesn't owe me anything! and I accept that. But it does get kind of irritating when someone likes to play both sides. When it's convenient for him, he's my dad, and he loves to play that role (probably just to impress my mom but w/e) and then when it comes down to actual real support, he's not there. ...... grrr. And I agree that my mom has issues, like I said before, she came from an awful background and she is a mess. I am fully aware of that. The situation is just so dysfunctional. It bugs me too because they're grown adults and are completely oblivious to their issues, no self-awareness, what-so-ever. Yet i'm 19, and am fully aware of the toll my childhood and current living situation have taken on me, and have already sought out therapy (on my own which was NOT encouraged by my parents.) unfortunately, I have no health insurance anymore so for the time being I am trying to function without the help of therapy..

do whatever you have to do to not get kicked out of the house. i've been there and done that for other reasons and its aweful. be safe. "hugs"

I know what this is like, except I deal with very close quartered in laws who are homo/ transphobic. I just spent four hours out of the house dressed properly, went by work, the post office, went shopping, got lunch for everyone and still had to "man up" before coming back home- they don't know how far they are actually pushing you away...

This is a very unfortunate situation for you, and I send my deepest empathy / sympathies.

I have a huge coach purse ready to go with supplies, and keep my clothes on under baggy men's clothes for when I go out again - sometimes, not all the time.

Quote from: EmmaM on May 20, 2011, 03:24:52 PM
I know what this is like, except I deal with very close quartered in laws who are homo/ transphobic. I just spent four hours out of the house dressed properly, went by work, the post office, went shopping, got lunch for everyone and still had to "man up" before coming back home- they don't know how far they are actually pushing you away...

This is a very unfortunate situation for you, and I send my deepest empathy / sympathies.

I have a huge coach purse ready to go with supplies, and keep my clothes on under baggy men's clothes for when I go out again - sometimes, not all the time.

Thank you for your kind words.
I actually just spent a ton of time getting ready and I feel so good.
Unfortunately I have to revert back, because I'm starving and stepdad is downstairs -___-
I was thinking of trying to talk to him and workout an agreement so I can sometimes dress. But I'm scared it could be risky. What are ya'lls thoughts?

My thoughts drippin are that you shouldn't antogonise this guy. He clearly is an inadequate individual who need to impose his authority onto you.

You need to get out of there. You need to spend your time and energies on that matter.

Lots of girls dress in clothes they don't like.

There's an old joke, Q. What do you call a guy with a gun? A. Sir.

The point is, if he tells you the moon is made of cheese and the sky is a boul of jelly then just smile nicely and tell him how grateful you are that he has corected you.

Hi Drippin

You need to follow this advice as best you can.

Quote from: spacial on May 21, 2011, 03:09:38 AM
My thoughts drippin are that you shouldn't antogonise this guy. He clearly is an inadequate individual who need to impose his authority onto you.

You need to get out of there. You need to spend your time and energies on that matter.

Lots of girls dress in clothes they don't like.

There's an old joke, Q. What do you call a guy with a gun? A. Sir.

The point is, if he tells you the moon is made of cheese and the sky is a boul of jelly then just smile nicely and tell him how grateful you are that he has corected you.

It's blunt and to the point.  We could think about the various scenarios and the solutions.  However you would be wasting a lot of your time and energy on the matter.  When you could be more productive in becoming the real you.

Eventually one day you will go out into the world and live your life.  Take care and all the best for the future.

Warmest regards
Sarah B

Personally, I would dress a bit LESS girly in your case. Wear tight jeans maybe, or at least not baggy, and a babydoll shirt with a unisex picture or something. A bit of eyeliner, and maybe some lipgloss around the house. He won't like it still, but it's better than not listening at all, right?