Kia Ora,

Desperate times calls for desperate measures...Or do they???

For most [but not all] people who were born with  gender dysphoria, our journey of discovery that is, coming to terms with our condition, can also mean great sacrifice...Some have or still are struggling with the lost of family, friends, spouses, children, jobs, etc , whilst others have just accepted their fate and moved on with their lives ...

I know that in a sense one can never truly prepare oneself fully for such loss, but sadly this is part of life for those of us who are or have suffered from gender dysphoria..

What are you prepared to [or what have you already] give up in order to be true to yourselves and others ?

My personal sacrifice was minimal, it was not easy by any means, my decision lead to others having to suffer which was not my intention, but fortunately  all worked out well in the end, which in a sense was a small price to pay for 'freedom'

It may not be pleasant to think about, but............. 

Metta Zenda      

When I first started working as a jeweler, my boss told me that she was so glad that I had applied because she was afraid she'd end up having to work with a guy, and she was not willing to do that.    Quitting to present as more male felt like giving something up at first, but it's actually been one of the best things I've ever done.

I'm really not okay with losing people though, and that fear is one of the main things holding me back.

I don't see "Marriage" in the poll, and that is about the only thing I've had to give up - my marriage.  However, my ex and I are not enemies, she has met me and is now okay with being around me, and I think we will be friends.  My children (adults) still love and respect me (and even admire me for my strength, courage and integrity), almost all of my friends are still friends, the people at work accept me completely (I'm just finishing up my second week full-time), and I honestly feel like I've hardly had to give up much of anything, except a lot of money (for therapy, laser sessions, wardrobe change, etc...)

Even my parents, siblings and extended family love and support me.

When I came out, I lost my spouse and my beautiful home.  Then a year into RLE and being out at work, I lost that too.

There is a saying "If you are not ready to lose everything, Do not Transition".

Kia Ora Colleen,

  Sorry I forgot to add "Marriage" , I was only thinking along the lines of giving up ones relationship with ones partner/spouse...But I guess ticking the  "spouse" box would suffice, because she is no longer your spouse=partner in marriage...

But it does sound like you are truly fortunate to have come through this ordeal virtually in one piece...I'm truly happy for you and hope that others are as fortunate...

Kia Ora Lee,

There was one person whom I looked on as a close friend even though he lived in another country, we had been through a lot together-moved to Australia together back when I was 16, we had remained in contact for many years, even after I had moved over to Aotearoa [NZ], but when I told him of my gender dysphoria and I was about to affirm my gender, he cut all contact with me...I just see it as his loss, not mine...

A part from him, like Colleen I too have been fortunate in this department, coming through my transition virtually unscathed, not only have I retained my friends and family [the friends that count that is, I didn't really have many people whom I would call friends back in my past life], I also have gained new friends, who for the most part have become 'family', some who know of my past and some who don't...

Kia Ora Janet,

Sorry to hear about you losing your spouse, house and job, but there's another saying "Time heals all wounds!" and for the most part this is true...Another more positive way to look at it is when you hit rock bottom the only way from there is up! It would seem I also forgot to add "property" to the list...

Metta Zenda

I came out at work, and then my job ended today as it would have regardless.  I'm no longer a student, my six-month post-graduation employment extension has expired, and now I'm unemployed.  Yikes.  But this wasn't a transition-related loss.

All of my relationships with friends remained intact, and actually grew as transition pushed me out of a hermit lifestyle and turned me into a social butterfly.  I even gained two new best friends and my ex-wife and I appear to have rekindled our friendship (which should never have turned into a marriage in the first place, which we're both wise to--and laugh about--now).  The marriage certainly didn't end based on trans-related issues, as she only found out about me three weeks ago.

The relationships with my mom's side of the family, immediate and extended, strengthened.  My stepdad, who's been more of a father to me than my biological dad, gave me his blessing to take his last name so that I can now join the family who loves me in name and spirit.

Except for two of my sisters, the relationship with my dad's side (including my stepmom) is beyond repair and will shatter when they find out I'm trans.  It's been 30 years since my parents divorced, but you'd think my dad and stepmom were still at war with my mom.  They abused me heavily as a child, filled my head with negativity, self-doubt, and hatred that's taken me years to expunge. I went to school lying about the bruises they caused, lied to social services, lied to police, and lied to myself.  Since my divorce three years ago, they began cutting me out of their lives (because they believed my mom was the impetus, despite my ex being the one who filed).  Since Obama was elected and I voted for him, they cut me out even more and told me I deserve everything bad that ever happens to me, and hoped I'd get more bad in the future.  They've always tried to force a decision on me: sever ties with my mom and gain their twisted respect, or continue my relationship with my loving mother and receive their scorn.  I'm sick to death of their abuse and then apologizing for the inconvenience I caused them having to abuse me in the first place, just so they'll start talking to me again.  I'm done.  No more.  The strong woman I am now is going to do what the cowering boy could never do: end this poisonous relationship.

So being trans has nothing to do with the reasons why that relationship will end, but is the impetus for ending it.  And quite frankly, it'll be one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

Now I'm adrift in life, no job, researching graduate programs, and no clue what's next.  Will being trans hinder me?  I'm not sure, but I know that if I remain strong, any damage should be minimal and long-term damage nonexistent.

So far I have not given up anything, although I'm not quite FT. Certainly friends I have gained more than I ever had, family are all fine. Society is fine, social life is great. Work are coming to realise something weird is going on. But no negative comments.

Cindy

Kia Ora, Zenda,

     I was prepared to give up everything I'd worked for all my life.  I'm a late life transitioner and fear of all these things kept me in the closet.  The pain of living a lie finally forced me to look at my life and understand that I just couldn't go on like this any longer.

     Times have changed and evolved favorably for trans people in the last 20 years.  I finally realized that it was possible to transition and be successful just in the last few years.

     As it happened, I've lost very little.  I lived as an anti-social person and rarely went to social activities.  Now, I'm an extremely social person.  I've lost some close friends, but I see this as a gift, for their reaction to my transition shows me their true nature and I'd have never found out what back-stabbing liars they were without it.

     Many people I know tell me they admire my courage and respect me more for transitioning than before.  Go figure.

     I have more friends now than before and I've kept my job and marriage.  You never know what tomorrow will bring, but I'm comfortable with all this today. 

     So, I went into this transition willing to lose everything and I've come out on the other side with more than I had before.  There is a Goddess.

     Metta,  ReJoyce

relationship (though happily, but with living together it made it differcult)
job (mutual to a degree, though I miss it... just not the people)
most of my old friends (a lot were the kind that refused to grow up so no great loss.. would of happened sooner than later anyway)
two brothers (mmmmmm they may come around with time, but I'm not fussed either way).

they are the bigger losses though with time they seem so trivial ...more or less. I'm happy with where I'm at now!

I was willing to loose everything for transition, i've been lucky though most people have been really supportive. Sadly transition cost me my dad and my favourite aunt, even though it hurts it was worth it to become the much happier person I am today.

I voted "None of the above"

Family including extended family - Blood is thicker than water. I'm not ready to "lose" them, but then, I have no reason to fear I may lose them.

Spouse - A person who doesn't accept "me" shouldn't be my spouse anyway.

Children - I worried about this a little actually, but I'm not becoming a worse parent by being me and I have no reason to fear that my ex will take my daughter from me. The law is on my side on this.

Friends - I don't want to be friends with bigots...

Move away from the area - I refuse to let bigots drive my away.. (not that I've had to fear that... )

Give up your job - Don't have one! Unless you count my art...

I have to say none of the above because as it happened I lost absolutely nothing - and gained my whole life, however in theory I would have been prepared to lose it all. Happily I never got to find out if I could do it for real.

Quote from: Zenda on May 05, 2011, 04:32:53 PM
Kia Ora,

Desperate times calls for desperate measures...Or do they???

For most [but not all] people who were born with  gender dysphoria, our journey of discovery that is, coming to terms with our condition, can also mean great sacrifice...Some have or still are struggling with the lost of family, friends, spouses, children, jobs, etc , whilst others have just accepted their fate and moved on with their lives ...

I know that in a sense one can never truly prepare oneself fully for such loss, but sadly this is part of life for those of us who are or have suffered from gender dysphoria..

What are you prepared to [or what have you already] give up in order to be true to yourselves and others ?

My personal sacrifice was minimal, it was not easy by any means, my decision lead to others having to suffer which was not my intention, but fortunately  all worked out well in the end, which in a sense was a small price to pay for 'freedom'

It may not be pleasant to think about, but............. 

Metta Zenda      

I was willing to give up everything, it had gotten to the point it was a life or death decision for me.  In death you lose it all anyway so i was already prepared to say my goodbyes to people when i took my shot at life.  So in short, everything that i held dear i was willing to lose for just 1 day to be the woman I always thought I would be, luckily i not only got 1 day but going on 2 years now full time as a passable woman.  I didnt lose much just a few friends, my family for a time, but they came back to me, now my life cant be happier.

Kia Ora,
  It's warming to see that there are some here who have triumphed over adversity...And for those who are still struggling, may you draw some inspiration from the members here and achieve your goals whatever they might be... There's life after "Transition"...

Metta Zenda

I didn't vote at all, because I wasn't exactly sure what to put. I came out to my girlfriend of 7 years and it caused a lot of issues. At this point, we're not really sure what we are anymore-whether we're dating, best friends who occasionally have sex and are affectionate, or some other more vague thing. Some of that's due to me being trans, and some of it isn't.

Overall, I lucked out big time so far. I don't know how far along I am, compared to a lot on here I'm nowhere (No surgery, no legal changes, haven't even seen a therapist but I'm out to almost everyone and go out as male 100% of the time) but so far I've only gained things. My family, the ones that know, finally understand me. They get why I tried to kill myself, why I was an alcoholic, why I drugged myself stupid through most of high school and they can see how much better I am now. It's made us closer, for the most part. I'm just exceptionally lucky in the family department though, trans or not. And I feel guilty about it so often, seeing the ridiculous amounts of pain and struggle so many of you have dealt with, I feel like I don't deserve people this incredible.

Hell, even with my friends I feel guilty. My boyfriend's mother abused him his entire life, nearly disowned him for wearing nail polish. NAIL POLISH FFS. If she found out he was with me? She'd probably kill him. Or me.

I've thought about it though, about what I'm willing to lose. Family never came to mind. I know my family, they've supported me through so much, the worst I feared from them was an inordinate amount of concern and over-protectiveness. My dad still doesn't know, but that's a whole different story. Our relationship has always been really distant and weird.  The big thing for me was me and Julie, and I told her at one point that if I kept forcing myself to be something I wasn't, something was going to break. Me, her, my sanity, everything we owned...something. Hell, maybe everything. I was getting more miserable by the second keeping up the bull->-bleeped-<- and I hate that even now, so much of that still digs at me. I've got so much resentment and bitterness towards her, for things she's said and done and ignored.

I can't vote with a straight answer.

I would walk away from everything, but I know that I don't have to. This is my struggle, being willing and able to let everything go while feeling like I can salvage the major relationships in my life. Can it be done? I think so.

I gained far more than I lost.

 think before long and i transition compleatly ...with all the hatred in the world for trans people i will loose my life to it ....
i had a close shave today with three homaphbic youngsters in newham giving me greif....
me and my brother sent them running but i feer this is just the start.

I put nothing! because I will detransition rather then loose the love from my children. I am not like so many others that say they will give up everything to transition. If I didn't have children that depended on me I would feel diferent. Would I care if I lost my job due to trans? No I hate it now and am looking into a different field.  Would I care if I have no money to support my family if I loose my job? Yes.

I don't WANT to loose anything, but I know I may end up loosing some things. I have lost certain aspects and things of my life already, and it hasn't stoped me.

I am at the crossroads as I write this, my therapist has given me an ultimatem let someone in on my transition or he may not be able to see me anymore. I have been seeing him for a year now, he has finaly brought this up. I don't blame him, he told me he is not doing his job if he doesn't finaly help me come out. He gives all his clients up to a year to make progress of coming out.

I have done so much soul searching this weekend, and to be truthfull very suicidal. My life is not in a good place now, I could come up with a list of 100 things why my life sucks and one reason it doesn't MY CHILDREN. Am I just going to make thing worse but I also don't know if things can be any worse. Maybe my children will be better off without a freak for a dad. I am sorry for this post I don't know how to do this, I can't go back but I can't go foward. I am so scrwed up.

Quote from: Just Shelly on May 08, 2011, 05:53:48 PM
I put nothing! because I will detransition rather then loose the love from my children. I am not like so many others that say they will give up everything to transition. If I didn't have children that depended on me I would feel diferent. Would I care if I lost my job due to trans? No I hate it now and am looking into a different field.  Would I care if I have no money to support my family if I loose my job? Yes.

I don't WANT to loose anything, but I know I may end up loosing some things. I have lost certain aspects and things of my life already, and it hasn't stoped me.

I am at the crossroads as I write this, my therapist has given me an ultimatem let someone in on my transition or he may not be able to see me anymore. I have been seeing him for a year now, he has finaly brought this up. I don't blame him, he told me he is not doing his job if he doesn't finaly help me come out. He gives all his clients up to a year to make progress of coming out.

I have done so much soul searching this weekend, and to be truthfull very suicidal. My life is not in a good place now, I could come up with a list of 100 things why my life sucks and one reason it doesn't MY CHILDREN. Am I just going to make thing worse but I also don't know if things can be any worse. Maybe my children will be better off without a freak for a dad. I am sorry for this post I don't know how to do this, I can't go back but I can't go foward. I am so scrwed up.

Kia Ora Shelly,

  I've been where you're at...Think about this carefully...Would your children sooner a "dead" father or a live "trans-parent"...Pondering this thought had in the past stop any feeling of suicide that I once felt...My unconditional love for my children [which no doubt you too have for yours] won through, and the other wonderful thing about life is, Father Time has a way of healing all wounds! Things might not be exactly the same as before, but then NOTHING is permanent...

Unconditional love between parent and child and visa versa is a bond that can make all things possible and worthwhile...And it sound to me that you share this kind of love with your children...

Metta Zenda