This is my first post, so I guess I should lay it all out.

I've been dealing with transgendered feelings since around the age of 9.  I remember, back when I was innocent and ignorant, wishing to God I'd just wake up as a girl.  A few years later I learned a little more about the possibility of transitioning, but I could never build up the courage to come out to my family.  I still regret that.  I don't always get on well with them, but I think they'd have been understanding.

Instead, when my half-sister moved in with us, I'd borrow her clothes and at least pretend for a while.  She eventually went back to stay with her mother and step-father, and that ended that.  I've tried to dress up a few times since then but it isn't particularly easy to pretend anymore after what puberty did to me...  Over the years I kept telling myself I'd do something to set myself in the right direction, but I was always too afraid of what could happen.  What would people think?  My gossip of a mother would tell every relative and anyone else she possibly could over the phone. 

I'm almost 25 now, and I still live in fear.  I never told anyone my secret up until late last year.  I'm not sure what brought it up, but I eventually told my girlfriend of 3 years how I feel.  We talked about it off and on over several weeks, but eventually there wasn't anything left to say and the subject didn't come up again for months.  She was really understanding and it was relieving to finally not feel completely alone in this.

I plan to start seeing a therapist in the next couple of weeks, but I don't really know where that'll take me.  Transitioning is something I still consider from time to time, but that could go wrong in so many ways.  What will it do to my relationship and my sex life?  Will my girlfriend (soon to be fiancee, hopefully) leave me?  If not, what will her family think?  Will my extremely masculine build/facial structure/voice make passing impossible?  Probably.  Will I be able to stick with my career plans?

I don't see this ending well for me no matter what I do.

Hi Kori

Welcome to Susan's and I hope you find the answers you are seeking here.  Look around and somewhere someone will have had a similar experiences that you have had or experiencing now.  If you cannot find the answer then all you have to do is start a new topic in an appropriate area and someone will come along and help you if they can.

If you think your mother will tell everyone and you do not wish everyone to know then please do not tell your mother what you are doing, until such times you are ready to do so.   You are the only person who should tell anyone, not anyone else.  However, things always never turn out the way we expect them.

Seeing a therapist about your gender is a start to helping you.  Reading, researching and asking questions will also help you understand.  In regards to your girlfriend you really need to take the time out and be sure that is the path you want. Others here on Susan's can tell you about their experiences, the good and the bad.  Its what you want that matters the most and you must look after yourself first, before you can begin to look after others.

Take care and I hope you find the answers you are seeking.

Warm regards
Sarah B

Hi Kori,

Welcome to our little family. Over 6600 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

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Hugs and Love,
Janet

Hi Kori

First of all, welcome.
By reading your story, I think your fears are real.
But, on the other hand, what will happen when you don't tell.
Okay, your fiancee will stay, you will make a carreer, but are you happy than?

The feelings you have will never disappear, what ever you do.
And about passing, there are so much possibilities these days.

I hope you'll find the right solution.

hugs
Annette

all i can say is dont wait to your in your 30,s or 40's like i did yes its still possible but the effects of hrt are so much faster and better in your younger years it will never go away in fact it only gets worse as you age. sapose your with your girl this whole time your carreer is set now your misserable living this lie for god knows how long. what started as understanding becomes anger when you try to do it later and shes like why now youve been fine all this time but lets go ahead and f up everything now add to it the fact that your career choice may not accomidate this at all and you find yourself unemployed. Ex cop here. all im saying is investigate this to its conclussion and then make an informed decission. wheter you transition or not at least then you can go forward and not have regrets and what ifs.
by the way you will be amazed at what hrt will do to even the most masculine body.
jessi

Hi Kori

Welcome to the family. I trust you will enjoy your stay.

Whatever you do, stay positive. Things have a way of working out.

Keep us up to date.

Huggs

Maegan

Hi Kori, welcome to Susans! Just start reading all the information on this site, don't stop until it all makes sense to you! You are going to be fine, we all know some tall, strong, and beautiful ladies! Hugs, Tracey

Thanks for the encouragement.  I'm not really sure what to expect from a therapist, but hopefully having someone with a more experienced and objective opinion to talk to will help me figure out what I need.