For a while now i've been trying to figure out how to approach the subject with my friends to finally come out to them. I've decided that out of all of them i'd probably start with those who will be my future roommates (we're looking for an appartment).

Today i was having a bad day. my friends called asking to go out, and i think, well that wonderful its sure to get me out of this bad mood. Turns out today it was only the three that i'm going to move in together. And so we talked about living together and there was the general question in the air "anything else everyone should know?" and it was often mentioned that it'd be one girl and three guys living together (instead of 2 girls and 2 guys, since no one knows i'm a girl). basically there were so many points where i could and should have said "hold on, there's something i have to tell you!" but i just didn't. instead i just felt worse and worse and kept silent.
Why the heck do i do that? why can't i just say it? i mean, those are probably some of the most understanding people i've ever met. i feel safe with them and am a lot more open than i used to be. so why can't i say such a simple thing that shouldn't even matter? why am i holding back? what am i afraid to lose if i already know that i'm most likely not going to lose them? I moved out of the last place i shared with people because i couldn't bear completely hiding myself even at home, so why aren't i acting so it won't happen again? ... why can't i trust anyone...

Sounds pretty scary to me. I think it usually is, even when you're pretty darned sure that the other person(s) will be supportive. There's always that little doubt.

Perhaps you could talk to one person alone and see how it goes. I mean, two people or all three at once is just that much more intimidating. And you might even consider taking along someone who already knows and who supports you one hundred percent, if you have such an ally.

i agree with arch take them one at a time its always scary when your outnumbered. hugs buck up and do it i found that most people including best friends were actually sapportive i wasted a lot of years with that ugly fear thing going on
hugs
jessi

Hmm, there's a few things that strike me about this, and getting to the root of your fear will likely make it go away.

It seems to me that there are two reasons you don't tell them:

Firstly because they are your friends and you feel the way you feel about them. This may seem counter-intuitive but think about it a little. How easy would it be to tell a complete stranger on a bus, someone you will never see again afterwards? Do you think maybe that you care deeply what your friends think and that somewhere in your mind, there's a little voice saying "but if they reject me once I've told them... I love these people dearly and I don't think I could deal with that"?

The mind is wonderful at talking us out of doing things, making us take the path of least resistance. There's always the little voice of "it's safe here, you're in your comfort zone. Stay here, there are cookies and scatter cushions."

Secondly, and this is linked to the above... could it be that the permanence of what you have to tell them is what's scaring you? The thought that once it's out there, it's out there for good and there's no going back? That's a scary prospect for a lot of people, burning their bridges as it were. This is understandable, it's a big step in your life and one you take with no going back.

I think what you're afraid to lose more than your friends, is the mask, the one we all hide behind when we're too scared to deal with what taking it off will mean. It becomes a security blanket, a safety net if you like. You can hate something yet still rely on it.

What's scaring you most hon, is a fear of the unknown. You think you know how people will react but there's always that nagging doubt at the back of your mind. What if I don't know them as well as I think? What if they don't have a clue what all this means? What if, what if?

Perhaps the best way to deal with it, is to envision in your mind the best way this could go; see yourself telling your friends and everything being better than you could have hoped for. Think about it this way, how much worse can you feel by telling them than you're making yourself feel by not doing so?

*hug*

I just don't know who would be that single person i'd come out to first. I really like most of the friends i've made last semester a lot, but there isn't a single one i'm closer to...
I do have allies, but they live pretty far away.

That's definitely it Sephirah, or at least part of it. *sigh* i'm the kind of person that has strong opinions and stands by them, the kind of person that doesn't care what others think... except with this. with this the side of me that can't live without an undo button gets so much stronger. oh, but what if! what if it gets uncomfortable? nevermind that it was getting uncomfortable anyway.

Maybe i don't actually believe that things will be better when i get to live as me. I mean, i have been telling myself for a pretty long time that this isn't a magic cure for all problems. Maybe i have been telling myself that for too long. there's that pesky habit i've been holding onto, thinking "hope for nothing and expect the worst and you'll never be disappointed"

and yet i feel like i'm at the brink of becoming something so much better. that once i pass this obstacle, the strength, the "fire", that i feel with everything else i do, will always be there and nothing will be able to stop me. i want that.

don't be so hard on yourself, it took me 30 years to get the strength to tell my family members (even after accidentally outing myself)

Quote from: Layn on May 08, 2011, 06:41:01 AM
That's definitely it Sephirah, or at least part of it. *sigh* i'm the kind of person that has strong opinions and stands by them, the kind of person that doesn't care what others think... except with this. with this the side of me that can't live without an undo button gets so much stronger. oh, but what if! what if it gets uncomfortable? nevermind that it was getting uncomfortable anyway.

There's an old saying: "'Tis better to die on your feet than live on your knees." At the very worst you get new friends. People come and go, there's one person who doesn't ever leave... and that's the one who lives your life. What if it doesn't get uncomfortable? What if you find yourself free of a shackle that's held you back from actually living your life?

Quote from: Layn on May 08, 2011, 06:41:01 AM
Maybe i don't actually believe that things will be better when i get to live as me. I mean, i have been telling myself for a pretty long time that this isn't a magic cure for all problems. Maybe i have been telling myself that for too long. there's that pesky habit i've been holding onto, thinking "hope for nothing and expect the worst and you'll never be disappointed"

You'll also never be happy, either. Why should you be denied something that everyone else takes for granted? The simple, basic human right to be yourself?

You're right, it isn't a panacea. Life can still be difficult. But at the very least you get to approach such trials from the standpoint of truth, from the position of "this is how it affects me, the real me." Otherwise it's like taking a shower with your clothes on, you get wet but you never actually get clean.

what worries me more is that if relations with my current friends get weird, it'll make my next 2-4 years studying at this university awkward since we all have to work pretty closely together. But dammit reactions won't be that negative, i know that (well except for two. with those i know the reaction will be pretty negative, but honestly i don't care about them). i have to mentalize that things will be better. stop clinging to the safe and risk it for happiness.

Quote from: Layn on May 08, 2011, 05:25:22 PM
what worries me more is that if relations with my current friends get weird, it'll make my next 2-4 years studying at this university awkward since we all have to work pretty closely together.

It's natural to avoid pain. But I think that a lot depends on where you are in your life right now. You have said that you couldn't bear to hide anymore, even at home. If that's the case, then you probably won't be able to hold on much longer, and you feel the need to tell people.

It's usually better to feel in control of the situation and to choose your time, place, and method. That means that you have to face some risk and some fear, but you can also look forward to a bit of relief. You might want to focus on that. And it might help if you separate transition from coming out. One step at a time--come out to a few people first, and don't think of it as part of a huge and scary process. Don't think, "Oh, my god--if I come out, then there's transition and hormones and RLE, oh my!!!" That usually doesn't help.

Like, for example, I sometimes think that if I exercise this morning, then I have all of these other obligations--shower, meal, phone calls, dishes, bills, job applications...urkh! But exercise is exercise, nothing more and nothing less. Working out for half an hour doesn't obligate me to do anything else--although it might help if I took a shower afterward.

If you're not closer to one person than to the others, then you can just pick someone at random and start there. But I wonder if you're quite ready. You might not be, if you're hedging (by saying, for example, "Well, I'm not closer to one of these people than to the other two"). Then again, it's natural to be apprehensive. Only you can decide if you're really ready.

I have to bring up one point, though--if you want to come out to the future roommates, you might want to do it now, before you all move in together. If one or more of them are not comfortable with it, you probably don't want to find that out later, after you're already living under the same roof.

Quote from: Arch on May 08, 2011, 05:59:59 PM
Don't think, "Oh, my god--if I come out, then there's transition and hormones and RLE, oh my!!!" That usually doesn't help.

weeeell, hormones are already here, so, well that's done with. But i do keep thinking, when i come out there's really nothing holding me back from going fulltime anymore. focusing on just coming out to the one person at that one time would really be better.

Quote from: Arch on May 08, 2011, 05:59:59 PM
I have to bring up one point, though--if you want to come out to the future roommates, you might want to do it now, before you all move in together. If one or more of them are not comfortable with it, you probably don't want to find that out later, after you're already living under the same roof.

aaah i know. i kept telling them i might move in later but not immediately, to give myself time to come out before agreeing, but they kept trying to convince me and then i just couldn't say no! I definitely have to come out before we've decided on a place.

I've been struggling with coming out myself.

I was out with a group of friends not too long ago when a friend of mine made the comment "you're the most asexual person I know"  Our schedules will allow us to meet for lunch in about a month and I plan on telling him then, he'll be my first.  My best advice is look for moments like that where someone expresses something that suggests they at least have a clue "something's not quite right" or make some otherwise supportive type statement.

As others have said, the more you tell, the easier it gets.

Quote from: Layn on May 08, 2011, 06:36:24 PM
weeeell, hormones are already here, so, well that's done with.

I didn't know that (maybe I missed it), but anyway, my point is that it can help to break up big scary things into little components--if only so that you can get through the next component instead of getting stalled out. If you tell yourself that you don't HAVE to start living full time just because you came out to a few people, you might find it easier to tell a few people in the first place. Or just one, to start.

Which actually should make it easier to go full time, now that I think about it. Funny, that.

It might help if you write it all down in a letter. Lots of people have used this strategy. You can read the letter to one person at a time, read it to everyone, send it to one person at a time (and wait for the response before sending it to someone else), send it to everyone at once, or just keep the letter handy when you meet with someone one-on-one. It can do wonders for your self-confidence to know that you have articulated the message on paper first.

Quote from: regan on May 08, 2011, 06:46:30 PM
I've been struggling with coming out myself.

I was out with a group of friends not too long ago when a friend of mine made the comment "you're the most asexual person I know"  Our schedules will allow us to meet for lunch in about a month and I plan on telling him then, he'll be my first.  My best advice is look for moments like that where someone expresses something that suggests they at least have a clue "something's not quite right" or make some otherwise supportive type statement.

As others have said, the more you tell, the easier it gets.

definitely. next time someone suggests something, i'll maybe not tell, but i'll hint at it. or if they do outright ask (that has happened before actually), i'll say yes i'm a girl.

Quote from: Arch on May 08, 2011, 07:01:13 PM
It might help if you write it all down in a letter. Lots of people have used this strategy. You can read the letter to one person at a time, read it to everyone, send it to one person at a time (and wait for the response before sending it to someone else), send it to everyone at once, or just keep the letter handy when you meet with someone one-on-one. It can do wonders for your self-confidence to know that you have articulated the message on paper first.

that's a nice idea. i'll try that.

ah, i've made a topic about this before, but dammit, it keeps happening. circumstances keep nudging me to come out! now when i go out with my friends they end up always being only 2 of my future roomies. heck, i'm fully expecting that soon ill start going out with only one of them as a way for the universe to say "well? easier now?" and seriously how come every time we agree to do something at my place it's always when i have my girl clothes lying out (which i rarely do!) i keep making excuses to go home before them and hide it!
i'm not complaining, it's just weird

Hi Layn, It's easy to see you are afraid and based on my past experience I am going to say that fear of the unknown is all it is- but that can take so much wind out of our sails. I too have dealt with this scenario time after time until I just get tired of being afraid.
To move forward is my goal - toward being female in presentation all the time. But the fear keeps me from being totally honest with the people who I am friends with.

To keep information from those we claim to be close friends with is dishonest as we are withholding 'requested' information from this group of people. If you are not concerned with giving these people full access to your current point of view then this is a non-issue. If you are concerned and it bothers you that you have not (as you have said) been forthcoming with the info they want this is another matter.

If you want these folks to be living in a close personal arrangement then the choice is clear-you have to tell somebody if you are concerned with what they might think of you. Being honest will open the door to much positive growth and confidence. If you are not confident in your current position/status you can expect to be disappointed in the result. Be confident and move forward.

I think you should tell one person at a time like someone else has already suggested. It's easier to talk to one person at a time than more than one-for me anyway. I am out to a couple of friends and my baby sister-my Mother is next. For me this one is the big one but I am close to my mom and have confronted the fear that for so long kept me in bondage.

It's like I read in a book years ago-Fear is the mind killer. Confidence will win the day and keep you going toward the goal. To do otherwise is to be at a standstill as far as making any progress and this thought drives me crazy-to know what I should do but I cannot take the next step. The fear is what keeps us from going forward.

I apologize if this is not what you wanted to hear.
Randi

you are so right, but overcoming fear isn't easy. i'm working on that

that said, an old and close (male) friend of mine now knows too. I didn't actually come out to him (over instant messaging would be the only way anyway), his girlfriend (my best friend) did it for me with my agreement and the reaction couldn't have been more positive (though i do regret not having been able to come out personally). Basically while initially confused he then immediately accepted it, says he is in awe at how i've been able to live with this and that it explained a lot. and apparently he immediately switched to female pronouns and declared the male me gone and forgotten! this is such a boost in confidence for me.
oh and before she came out for me to her boyfriend she said she might come visit me to support me when i'm coming out to my roomies (or one roomie or two, we'll see), and now i might even have both of them here supporting me!

however apparently we might be adding another roomie into the group, meaning another person i have to definitely come out to way before we finally decide on a place. and i don't know her so well. the good thing is, if the others take it well and she doesn't, i'm sure they'd take me over her.

Great, this sounds like a positive outcome to the situation. Let us know how things go from here.
Randi

i used to feel that way, but i think you should find the strength in yourself that this is who you are, and what everyone else thinks is secondary. if you get the backbone, that should make it come natural for you. i still get a little nervous sometimes, but it's just who i am.

okay, this is way too hard for me. two out of the three know there is SOMETHING i have to tell them, just not what, since i've been incapable of bringing it out (well, we were walking towards a big group of people... i'd rather sit down with them and talk). i am considering inviting one of them over to my place to talk (it's the only private place i can think of), but it just feels wrong to have them specially come over just to talk about this and then he walks home again thinking about it... it feels like making a big serious thing about it (which it is... and really, telling them theres something personal i have to tell but it's too hard to talk about really doesn't help ... ) .
I'm thinking... a post in the facebook group. i really would have liked coming out to someone other than my brother face to face but it's proving too hard, so maybe that will make it easier? i'd just post it in our group where we four are planning together where we'll move in (it's a secret group... i'm guessing posts there will only be seen by those three and me, right?). what do you think? I'd really prefer doing it face to face, but i'm just not managing it...

I believe it was Counselor Gowron of the Klingon High Counsel, who said:

Quote

Make a decision, right or wrong.  And deal with the consequences later.

Sometimes we just need to jump in with both feet, and then we find out our boots leak.

haha, thanks

well it's past midnight. new day. today is the day i'm going to meet with my future roomies because i said i have something to tell them. it's today. now excuse me as i cower in a corner biting my nails