Shelly, I am, in part, transitioning FOR my child. I can't encourage her to be herself when I'm hiding behind a withering male mask. You've seen my daughter, the unconditional love she displays, the incredible amount of "whatever-ness" just emanating from her is refreshing. I don't know your family, but I have a small idea of how children operate in the world. I didn't even announce it to my baby, one day she woke up and there I was cooking her breakfast in full femme. She absolutely loved it, then dragged me into the room to get me to try on every piece of girl clothes in the house with her.

Have you given the thought of doing this for your children's benefit any serious consideration? 

They will eventually have the benefit of being in a diverse, open minded, inspiring family environment at least half of the time (the half spent with you), if only you stay strong and stick to your guns. Show them how to fight for themselves and the things they believe in, how to stand up to discrimination and face down fear. They lose nothing by your being who you need to be, in fact they gain quite a bit more from the experience.

Kia Ora,

  Sadly those of us who have children have one of the most difficult decisions to make and the most nagging question for most is "What are my children going to think, how are they going to handle this ?" 

How things pan out in the end has a lot to do with the relationship one has with ones child/children, the child/children's age and the relationship the trans-parent has with their spouse [the mother or father of their child/children]...

If one have built a solid relationship with their children based upon love and mutual respect, it will be a lot harder for the other partner to dismantle it, if they were to decide to try and use the child/children as a weapon against you...

I was somewhat fortunate in that my ex had no ill will towards me [nor me towards her] and the unconditional love we both shared with our children was stronger than any negative feelings that might have arisen between us...The physical and mental well being of our children was always at the forefront...

BTW Valerie, what your daughter said to you "Love the person, not the body" must have been one of the sweetest sound to hear ever...

Whenever I talk with or see my children, I always let them know how much I love and truly appreciate them...and the feelings are mutual...     

Metta Zenda 

Quote  Sadly those of us who have children have one of the most difficult decisions to make and the most nagging question for most is "What are my children going to think, how are they going to handle this ?" 

Yeesh, I could only imagine. That's one of the absolute biggest reasons I'm waiting a long time, if ever, to have kids.
I don't know what upsets/depresses me more, parents that would abandon their children, or children that would abandon their parents.

Quote from: N.Chaos on May 09, 2011, 01:31:57 AM

I don't know what upsets/depresses me more, parents that would abandon their children, or children that would abandon their parents.

Kia Ora Chaos,

Tis extremely saddening either way one looks at it... I wonder what's more common...A trans-person being disowned by the parent/s or by the child/children?

The children of a trans-parent, have a lot to get their tiny minds around...My oldest was almost 13 and youngest 5 when I dropped the "trans" bomb shell on them[my two youngest I held off for a while longer before telling them]...
However they all seemed to have coped quite well, not much in the way of  shell shock, so to speak... But it did take time, lots of tears [more so on my part] love and patience...Patience being the key when dealing with a child's emotions...

The gender counsellor that I saw had a friend who was a child psychologist whom she consulted with on my behalf about coming out to my children and what was the best approach... She was told it was better the trans-parent told their children earlier on during the transition [especially if one has already started HRT] because it's better this kind of info comes from a person the children trusts, loves and respect than from a stranger or family acquaintance [someone who has started to see some changes in your physical appearance]  who might attempt to poison their minds with all the bigoted holier than thou crap and about being a sinner and going to hell... Fortunately for me this wouldn't have mattered much anyway, my children are either agnostic or atheist 


Metta Zenda

Quote from: Just Shelly on May 08, 2011, 05:53:48 PMI have done so much soul searching this weekend, and to be truthfull very suicidal. My life is not in a good place now, I could come up with a list of 100 things why my life sucks and one reason it doesn't MY CHILDREN. Am I just going to make thing worse but I also don't know if things can be any worse. Maybe my children will be better off without a freak for a dad. I am sorry for this post I don't know how to do this, I can't go back but I can't go foward. I am so scrwed up.

Shelly, from where I sit, you are fooling yourself, or trying to.  You are also basing your plans on several huge and, I think, unwarranted assumptions.  You assume you will be universally rejected if you come out.  I felt the same way.  I am now out and proud, full-time, out to ALL my extended family, friends-of-family, cousins, aunts, uncles, wife, children, etc.  NONE of them have rejected me.  My parents are REPUBLICANS.  They have not rejected me.  Their love for me helped them see me for who I am, and love me.  It can be the same for you.  If you truly see yourself as a freak ("freak for a dad"), I think THAT is your biggest problem.  You need to accept YOU.  THEN you will be able to project yourself into the world with confidence.  Work on that.  You'll be VERY glad you did!

Already broke up with my girlfriend because of this. We are still friends but she didn't think she could be in relationship with another woman. Sad but better than what most have experienced.

Actually I am lucky that everyone I have come out to have been supportive.

Quote from: Zenda on May 10, 2011, 10:42:09 PM
Kia Ora Chaos,

Tis extremely saddening either way one looks at it... I wonder what's more common...A trans-person being disowned by the parent/s or by the child/children?

The children of a trans-parent, have a lot to get their tiny minds around...My oldest was almost 13 and youngest 5 when I dropped the "trans" bomb shell on them[my two youngest I held off for a while longer before telling them]...
However they all seemed to have coped quite well, not much in the way of  shell shock, so to speak... But it did take time, lots of tears [more so on my part] love and patience...Patience being the key when dealing with a child's emotions...

The gender counsellor that I saw had a friend who was a child psychologist whom she consulted with on my behalf about coming out to my children and what was the best approach... She was told it was better the trans-parent told their children earlier on during the transition [especially if one has already started HRT] because it's better this kind of info comes from a person the children trusts, loves and respect than from a stranger or family acquaintance [someone who has started to see some changes in your physical appearance]  who might attempt to poison their minds with all the bigoted holier than thou crap and about being a sinner and going to hell... Fortunately for me this wouldn't have mattered much anyway, my children are either agnostic or atheist 


Metta Zenda

Well, that's awesome that your's went over so well. That makes a lot of sense, telling them early on so they grow up with it being normal. I'm waiting, without a doubt. I don't even know what's going on in my personal life right now, relationships are just...insane currently. I'm waiting at least five more years before I even think about kids. If it's possible though, I want to transition before I have them. I feel like it'd make life easier.

Quote from: Colleen Ireland on May 11, 2011, 05:57:28 AM
Shelly, from where I sit, you are fooling yourself, or trying to.  You are also basing your plans on several huge and, I think, unwarranted assumptions.  You assume you will be universally rejected if you come out.  I felt the same way.  I am now out and proud, full-time, out to ALL my extended family, friends-of-family, cousins, aunts, uncles, wife, children, etc.  NONE of them have rejected me.  My parents are REPUBLICANS.  They have not rejected me.  Their love for me helped them see me for who I am, and love me.  It can be the same for you.  If you truly see yourself as a freak ("freak for a dad"), I think THAT is your biggest problem.  You need to accept YOU.  THEN you will be able to project yourself into the world with confidence.  Work on that.  You'll be VERY glad you did!

Colleen

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

I know you are right, I just have to do it.

Shelly

Quote from: Zenda on May 08, 2011, 06:26:03 PM
Unconditional love between parent and child and visa versa is a bond that can make all things possible and worthwhile...And it sound to me that you share this kind of love with your children...

Metta Zenda

Zenda

Thank you, for your inspirational words.

I do have this with my children, I feel this from them as much as I hope they do from me.

I just don't know if it is enough for us to survive through this.

Shelly

@Shelly

As a parent going through a separation with my wife, I can tell you that I am terrified that being transgendered  will somehow affect my 2 year old daughter. But it won't. Ever. Some people may like to think it will, but they are just being selfish. In fact, I've noticed that those who say I am selfish for doing this, that I am taking it out on my daughter, are in fact, being selfish themselves.

Here is the simple truth about why I ultimately decided to transition: I could not tell my daughter to be her all, or be herself, while not leading by example. I simply could not LIVE with being that kind of hypocrite. I am not a perfect parent, and I, just like every other parent out there, will find a way to screw up their kid's life someway. It's all damage control. Trust me, being transgendered is not going bother your child, more than likely, than not buying them "that" car when they are sixteen. Let's dwell on that for a minute.

Don't let fearmongering rule you. I did for far too long. And it was for nothing, just lost time. Take that time for you and your children. You, and they, will come to love you for it.

I wish us both luck!

Quote from: Just Shelly on May 11, 2011, 07:14:07 PM
Zenda

Thank you, for your inspirational words.

I do have this with my children, I feel this from them as much as I hope they do from me.

I just don't know if it is enough for us to survive through this.

Shelly

Kia Ora Shelly,

The power of POSITIVE THINKING !

You are what you think you are Shelly and others just see what you want them to see!

Metta Zenda

Kia Ora,

"Fear is just a figment of ones imagination which one chooses to entertain!"

Metta Zenda

  None of the above.  I'm not married and never had kids.  No job, early forced retirement, I am not leaving this neighborhood anytime soon.  My family, including the extended ones have accepted my position on this.  I have received extended hugs on the greetings and the goodbyes from my sisters and the aunts since my announcement. 
  Joelene 

I picked the following

Family including extended family
Friends
Move away from the area
Give up your job

However, in reality I never really did give up anything in the long run.  How you may ask?

I left my family and friends behind one year later, when I finally realised that I was a female.  I did not realise at that time that I was giving up my family and friends so that I could live my life. My family thought that I was leaving to go to university, my friends did not even know that I was leaving.  Moving away resulted in me leaving my current job and of course moving away from an area that I loved and spent around 15 years of my life.

Fast forward to the present.  My family found out and fortunately for me my family is totally accepting of me and eventually I caught up with my family one by one after not seeing them for about 4 years.  As for past friends, I have not caught up with.  One high school friend who had links with my family eventually found out and wanted to get in contact with me and long story short this high school friend is totally accepting of me and we often talk away the hours every so often and one time we caught up with each other and spent a wonderful evening talking about everything.

As for my job I initially continued with my job in a new location and as a result. It provided me with the ability to achieve what I wanted.  Years later I eventually went to university and as a result I eventually changed my career.

So in a sense I was prepared to give up everything, I did not have a spouse or children at the time, so that is why I did not include them.  However, the end result is actually 'none of the above' and similar to what Helena said, 'I have gained far more than I ever gave up' and the most important thing I ever gained was the ability to live my life as me.

Kind regards
Sarah B

Kia Ora, Zenda!

Actually, I'm thrilled you are here and am very happy to encounter you again.  Yours is a beautiful soul and you are very much an asset here at Susan's Place!   

Well, I'm nearly 2 weeks fulltime now, and I can say I've lost a lot.  Know what?  It hurts ... too much sometimes.  Often times, I feel my life is over but I soldier on.  Faith.  Belief.  Persistence.

As I write this, my for-now wife is on the phone with her boyfriend (in another state and who she has known for decades) which she is EVERY night.  We're economic roommates only anyway and haven't slept together in years and years, but it hurts anyway.

Job?  Yeah, back in November of 2010 I lost a job and nearly did the streets.  An Angel of Mercy on this forum saved me from that impending catastrophe, and I'm forever grateful to her.  By the way, I'm now paying it forward.  A transbrother on another forum (you would know him) needs financial help, and I'm helping him ... as well as a few other people. 

Friends?  True friends?  Not really.  Been lucky that way.  My long-time friends are still there for me.  These are people I've known for years.  They rock. 

Other than that, I've been pretty lucky.  Honestly, it's okay.  It really is.  So, is transitioning worth it?

Yeah, it is ... definitely!   

Peace and happiness to you!       Lacey Lynne

I have to say that having a child really brought so much of my true self out.  I was a stay-at-home dad for the first couple of years of my son's life.  I enjoyed being in touch with this caring and nurturing side of myself.  My son is still young and has been diagnosed with high-functioning Aspergers.  My biggest fear is to  cause him further stress, as he does not do well with change-- and losing him not to any person, but simply by his withdrawal from external reality.

I was prepared to give it all up. I had to.

Thankfully I did keep my job, some friends, and I have a new family.

Hopefully someday a new spouse too