Ignorance truly must be bliss....I was more or less happy traveling along my path...applying my daily T gel...thinking about breast surgery in the far off distance future...and then reality smacked me upside the head (as it's wont to do...) and now I'm in an emo funk I can't find my way out of. Rawr.

I started tackling my weight....which has made me actually LOOK at me. Rather than just...head in the clouds, going about my day and pretending...I've got to actually huff, and puff, and push and TRY...and all this thinking about my body, my shape, my beard, my breasts...*ME*...has spun me around and... 

*sigh* My beard is growing in thicker and I actually get what passes as a shadow across my chin now. Cyndi and I discussed how I'm gonna maybe need some foundation to cover it in the near future....and that sucks.

Like any teenage boy...my beard is...pathetic at best. Lol!! It's blonde in most places, still pretty straggly but totally there. I normally shave twice a week and call it good. It's so blonde in most places that you can't see a shadow or anything like that.
So last week I shaved on Wed...thought maybe I should shave on Friday based on growth and what was showing but decided I didn't care, and thus...didn't shave. By Sunday I had a dark, scruffy goatee going!! (sort of...again...in a teenage boy type, thin, scraggly way..)

Cyndi and I went to bed snuggling and talking...as we're known to do...and conversation turned to my beard. She noted that I seemed a little sad about it...but she knows I'm very happy about it...and she was confused and wanted to know what was up with that. Which was it?

"Well..." I said... "I feel like...for *me* I love my beard. It makes me happy. It makes me giggle and smile. But...for the *world* It makes me nervous because....I can't be a bearded woman..well I COULD but...ya know? So it makes me sad that I have to hide this...since I don't pass for ->-bleeped-<- as male. Nor do I desire to...so I have to pretend I'm fully female and work hard to hide this thing that I like. It's stupid. I don't fit in the binary....I just don't. I'm just....not. But I have to play like I do....and the thicker my beard gets...the more work it is to hide it...when I don't really desire to hide it in the first place. So...I love it, and it makes me sad...all at the same time."

She *sighed* and was sorry that the world is...as it is. Suggested I just come out! Har. We both know that's not really going to get me anywhere.

Since that was the last thing we talked about...my beard was in all of my dreams. It was a point of anxiety, but pleasure...it was never really the focus of my dreams...I don't know what my dreams were about, can't remember...but this black, dark, patch right under my chin was always there. (My hair is actually coming in rather black which makes no sense. I'm a natural dirty blonde. I swear my beard is just trying to spite me since I keep shaving it. It WOULD come in freakin black. Invisible blonde on my cheeks and above my lip but black under my chin. Figures.

In times like these I feel so alone. Which compounds my saddness. I know a few MtAs here on Susan's but I don't know a single (transitioning) FtA. No one seems to be walking this path with me...(that I can find...) and it's lonely. There's so much pleasure and freedom in being me but...being me puts me in a place where...I'm the only one. I feel like Tigger! Tigger's are wonderful things but tigger is the only tigger there is.

And what it comes down to...is I can't change any of it because I'm in the right place, working on myself, becoming who I need to be, rocking my healthy habits for long term weight loss...I just don't know what to do with any of these thoughts and the shelf I used to keep them on seem over full...so I can't put them back there...there's no more room. Need a new shelf. Anyone want to go to IKEA?

Recently my mind has really created this visual of what hurts...it boils down to...level one (base level of the "piramid model..if you will) is the pain of not being cis-gendered. The second teir....is the pain of not being binary. I've found them to be two distinct pains....but they really like to ride together, fit together and hurt me...together. Boo.

Hi Sevan,
Yeah, I can see where that would be lonely not having anyone even online going through the same kind of transition.
But I'm a little confused why you can't have your cake and eat it too in the beard arena? You're saying you don't pass as male or desire to do so with or without the beard? So why hide it? I've seen women with facial hair (some who either don't bother to shave or it's so dense they have the five oclock shadow). Granted, usually I assume the female looking person isn't necessarily thrilled about this (an assumption I should probably re-think. Maybe they are thrilled). I don't think you'd necessarily have to come out. Female facial hair happens and usually people are too polite to mention it.

Nero, thanks. No, I don't pass male...ever. Not with a binder, hat and really trying...not even on the phone with my near bass voice! I've been on T for over a year now and I still fully pass as female even when trying for male. Eh.
There are many days when maybe I do need a shave but...eh. Too lazy, or want to grow it some and just have that reminder...and you're quite right, people are far too kind to ever make mention of it.
The beard is really my only "male marker". I don't have much for belly fur (I'm told some women have more though...lol) my body fat hasn't shifted...sure, my voice is low but apparently still decidedly female...so I tend to get a little fixated on my beard when thinking about my gender expression and presentation.

I know it sounds arse-about Sevan, but have you thought about growing your hair longer? I think it would suit your facial shape if you have noticeable  goatee. 
Do you have any sideburn growth?  That is a real male marker. If there is and it is fair, you could always dye it to match your beard.

Just a thought. Karen.

That's a very interesting video Emerald. Every single vidoe she gets comments saying she's a man. That's even more intersting...the assumption that because of her goatee (which looks very nice...btw. Much thicker and longer than I can currently get!) she's male.

As to growing my hair...that does seem counter productive...lol!! But I have thought about it...I used to have very long hair, down past my shoulders. I didn't think it looked very good (though Cyndi would beg to differ) I have been thinking about growing it back past my ears some...might do that after summer. (Summer's too hot for any kind of hair length imo)

There's times I've wondered if I might be FTA instead of FTM.  I think my gender identity is not quite woman or man.  But I do want to take T and have top surgery and do prefer male pronouns.  But I do have a feminine side.  It's confusing.

Heh. I was going to post a vid of Jennifer Miller, but now there's no need.

I don't know what to tell you, Sevan. I imagine you have no desire to be a poster child for the androgyne movement, if indeed there is one. At some point, you might start being read more often as male. I wonder if that would make things easier or harder...

Hey Seven, I definitely share your feelings about facial hair.  I've been lucky enough to have it come in naturally, and I'm quite fond of it.  However, I have never had the nerve to let it grow out as, like you, I don't want to be seen as the bearded woman.  Even so, I've talked myself into going out/to class with a day's worth of stubble a handful of times over the past semester, and those days have been much more comfortable for me. For some reason genetics gave me so-white-you-might-as-well-be-translucent skin and a black beard, so it's pretty obvious even within a half a day of shaving.  Despite that, I've never had anyone (other than my mother, but she's made it her mission in life to make me girly) bring it up or seem to have an issue with it if they notice, so I wouldn't worry too much about having to hide it if I were you. 

As for being lonely as an FtA, like jmax I identify more on the masculine side of androgynous and prefer male pronouns.  I'm also not physically transitioning at the moment.  However, I do love to chat.  Feel free to message me if you get bored. 

Thanks for all the responses folks. I'm very much the "three steps forward, one step back-freak out!!!! Calm down" sort of person when it comes to my transition. When writing that I was clearly at the "freak out" stage. Lol. Better now.
Arch- too right. Don't know anyone who really *wants* to be at the forefront, or be a poster child. It's a position I know I'm in and accept to some level most days. Just not...everyday.
Certainly in there there will come some point at which I appear more male than female..rather inconceivable to me but well within the realm of possible. (even likely by all we know about transition)

I didn't feel qualified to comment but I'm glad you're feeling better. 

Sevan,
I think trandrogyns are hot.
I know it isn't easy on you being the only Tigger there is but I think you are wonderful. The fact that you can accept yourself as is, in a world that doesn't recognise your existance, marks you as one of the strongest people I have ever known.

I love you and I am proud of you.

OMG that's so freak'n sweet !!!!

Seven,  I totally get the feeling of being the only transitioning F2A being as I am a Transitioning M2A/M2IS/M2WtF  I have met a few transitioning F2A/F2GQ and number of  non transitioning female bodied genderqueer people I know I'm not the only one of my kind but if feels that way sometimes and strangely I feel a lot more like the F2M guys then I do the M2Fs ladies.  But I'm just me.  I'm of the belief that the direction you travel to become your true self is less important then getting there in one piece and that the people who are headed to the same place get you better despite having different journeys to get there

Thank you my darling. That was indeed very sweet. *smoosh* I should check Susan's more often!!! lol.

Kinkly thank you for your reply. You DO know other transitioning FtAs?!?! Wow. That's very cool. I understand what your saying about the identity being more important than the journey or how you get there but...I have to respectfully disagree. I feel like there is no end when it comes to transitioning androgyn. There's a constant balance that needs to be struck. The addition of testosterone just isn't the same as the addition of estrogen (or the removal of T via Spiro) We may share the same identity (ish...lol) but the hoops we go through to get to that identity is different. Starting with breasts and curves and how I feel about those parts of my body...the coming in of a beard, the mental changes, the emotional changes...it's all very different. Those little day to day hardships based on this change...that's what I wish I could share.

I do have these things in common with FtMs and that's who I reflect with locally (as I'm the only non binary I know locally) but oh....to know someone who shares my identity and birth sex. (thus...has the same path as me, or similar at least.)

Sevan. I am also a transitioning FtA. I have not started testosterone therapy yet, but my beard will be a source of anxiety for me too. I am excited to have male features, as I have none now, but my family has hair that comes in very dark and thick. When my dad and brothers shave they have a shadow right after.

Choosing testosterone was hard for me because if I didn't take it, I would always be unmistakenly female - but if I do take it, I will have that thick beard shadow and be unmistakenly male. I want to be neither! Ideally I'd rather live as neither, but realistically, there will be times where I want to appear male and times where I want to appear female because the world does not think outside the binaries.

I am hoping that testosterone is kind to me and my body takes it in an androgynous way. This is a gamble but to me it is worth the risk - if I do not do it, I am guaranteed to always be read as female.

I can understand why you feel lonely. I get frustrated a lot because I cannot tell people I'm an androgyne without them doing several things: reverting to calling me 'she' because that's what feels right for them, assuming that this is a fashion statement or some other trendy thing, or thinking that I'm doing this because I like both "feminine" and "masculine" roles and things. It's annoying as fack.

Caseyy,
Sevans dad has a beard like that and Sevans facial hair is still quite sparse after 14 months of T therapy.
My father and brother both had full beards by the time they were in their early 20's. I however only filled out in my beard in my late 30's. (just in time to remove it all. lol)

Family traits do not always pass to every member of the blood line. You won't know how you react to T until you find out.

Hi Casey!!
I understand completely. As Cynthia says...I was very worried about taking T because of how my dad and other family member's facial hair looked. After 15 months of T I have a very very light "happy trail" and extremely blonde, fine hair on my breasts. That's it for any hair on my torso. I've given up thinking I'm going to be hairy. It appears not.
My voice did drop quite deep but I'm fine with it. Makes me giggle when it rumbles in my tummy. As Cynthia says...my beard is quite sparse. I do suspect it'll fill in with time but...there's no real garentees there. I still fully pass for female. Even when bound and in all mens clothes. (I've given up trying to "pass" for male. Too much work for no payoff! lmao!!)
I feel like my body has responded to T in a pretty androgyn-ous way....but the mind is a tricky thing. I've had changes I can't describe and didn't expect, but for better or worse...T was absolutly the best thing I could have done.
Cheers to you my FtA friend!

That's encouraging Sevan. i'd be happy with kind of a softer beard if I can get away with it but I'd be a little choked if I was sandpaper every day. I used to hate when my dad kissed me because even his lips felt like sand! If worse came to worse I could always try to thin it out with some electrolysis or something, but I'd have to get over the self-defeating idea that I would somehow be "regressing."

I must say, I'm excited by what you've described. I don't have a way of knowing if that will be the case with me, but I certainly hope so. I mean...I like my facial features, for example. I like some of the softness, and I don't see it as a "female" face. And I would love to keep some of that softness. But my body itself needs to change, and T will provide those changes.

I'm glad I found your thread! I totally thought I was the only one.

Quote from: Casey Leon on June 01, 2011, 02:14:39 AMI'm glad I found your thread! I totally thought I was the only one.

As did Sevan. I am happy you found hir thread.

It can be a hard burden to bare when no one else shares your experiance.