Ignorance truly must be bliss....I was more or less happy traveling along my path...applying my daily T gel...thinking about breast surgery in the far off distance future...and then reality smacked me upside the head (as it's wont to do...) and now I'm in an emo funk I can't find my way out of. Rawr.
I started tackling my weight....which has made me actually LOOK at me. Rather than just...head in the clouds, going about my day and pretending...I've got to actually huff, and puff, and push and TRY...and all this thinking about my body, my shape, my beard, my breasts...*ME*...has spun me around and...
*sigh* My beard is growing in thicker and I actually get what passes as a shadow across my chin now. Cyndi and I discussed how I'm gonna maybe need some foundation to cover it in the near future....and that sucks.
Like any teenage boy...my beard is...pathetic at best. Lol!! It's blonde in most places, still pretty straggly but totally there. I normally shave twice a week and call it good. It's so blonde in most places that you can't see a shadow or anything like that.
So last week I shaved on Wed...thought maybe I should shave on Friday based on growth and what was showing but decided I didn't care, and thus...didn't shave. By Sunday I had a dark, scruffy goatee going!! (sort of...again...in a teenage boy type, thin, scraggly way..)
Cyndi and I went to bed snuggling and talking...as we're known to do...and conversation turned to my beard. She noted that I seemed a little sad about it...but she knows I'm very happy about it...and she was confused and wanted to know what was up with that. Which was it?
"Well..." I said... "I feel like...for *me* I love my beard. It makes me happy. It makes me giggle and smile. But...for the *world* It makes me nervous because....I can't be a bearded woman..well I COULD but...ya know? So it makes me sad that I have to hide this...since I don't pass for ->-bleeped-<- as male. Nor do I desire to...so I have to pretend I'm fully female and work hard to hide this thing that I like. It's stupid. I don't fit in the binary....I just don't. I'm just....not. But I have to play like I do....and the thicker my beard gets...the more work it is to hide it...when I don't really desire to hide it in the first place. So...I love it, and it makes me sad...all at the same time."
She *sighed* and was sorry that the world is...as it is. Suggested I just come out! Har. We both know that's not really going to get me anywhere.
Since that was the last thing we talked about...my beard was in all of my dreams. It was a point of anxiety, but pleasure...it was never really the focus of my dreams...I don't know what my dreams were about, can't remember...but this black, dark, patch right under my chin was always there. (My hair is actually coming in rather black which makes no sense. I'm a natural dirty blonde. I swear my beard is just trying to spite me since I keep shaving it. It WOULD come in freakin black. Invisible blonde on my cheeks and above my lip but black under my chin. Figures.
In times like these I feel so alone. Which compounds my saddness. I know a few MtAs here on Susan's but I don't know a single (transitioning) FtA. No one seems to be walking this path with me...(that I can find...) and it's lonely. There's so much pleasure and freedom in being me but...being me puts me in a place where...I'm the only one. I feel like Tigger! Tigger's are wonderful things but tigger is the only tigger there is.
And what it comes down to...is I can't change any of it because I'm in the right place, working on myself, becoming who I need to be, rocking my healthy habits for long term weight loss...I just don't know what to do with any of these thoughts and the shelf I used to keep them on seem over full...so I can't put them back there...there's no more room. Need a new shelf. Anyone want to go to IKEA?
Recently my mind has really created this visual of what hurts...it boils down to...level one (base level of the "piramid model..if you will) is the pain of not being cis-gendered. The second teir....is the pain of not being binary. I've found them to be two distinct pains....but they really like to ride together, fit together and hurt me...together. Boo.