I spilled it all when it was time, I don't remember exactly how it happened but I was doing what I used to always do, walk out late a night and take a walk to think things through, my mom I remember stopped me at the door, don't remember why, what was said, but I told her that I wasn't happy with myself. At the time I had already done little things such as getting my ears pierced, wearing fingernail polish, shaving much of my body, and trying on clothes out of my mom's closet when alone (nothing too personal, tops, skirts, dresses, that sorta stuff), and she was asking me to talk to her, to stop walking out, why am I so angry all the time, she actually thought that I'd tell her that I was gay, she could accept that, she'd still love me regardless, but instead I told her that I hated myself, what I was, that I wanted to be a girl! She didn't take that too well of coarse, and like most parents in denial, she thought it was just some phase, that it would pass, that I'd get over it, maybe there were some drugs that I could take to counteract how I'm feeling. Its been so long seriously I can't remember crap really about that night, just a few little figments, mostly just emotions, but I do remember her and her boyfriend up in her bedroom, my mom if I recall was kinda histerical, she thought afterall that she was not only losing a son, but also that her child would turn out to be some sorta freak, afterall there really wasn't a whole lot known about transsexuals then, nor even now among general population, even I didn't even know much, just that I was, I knew how I felt about myself and that things had to change, otherwise I'd do something as drastic as killing myself, and this is what he had told her, that Michael is still your child, he's still going to be who he is, even if you don't understand how he's feeling, if you let him walk out that door tonight making him feel like he's alone, unaccepted my the one he looks to most, his mom, that could very well be the last you ever see of him. He was a good guy by the way, always liked him, he even gave me my hormone shots at first, sometimes wish that he and my mom could've lasted, they were together for a very long time, other factors involved unrelated to me that broke them up. Anyway, and so she came down and we talked more about it. I reassured her that I was not going to suddenly go outside wearing a ton of make-up, slutty revealing outfits, or other flashy garments to attract attention, I'm not looking to be a hooker, and I'm not wanting to be a woman for any sexual reasons, she was worried about being embarrassed I think as much as for my safety, but I'm just not that kind of person. And my personality wouldn't change, that I'd still be the me that she has always known, only I'd be happier with myself, all that quiet, hidden rage would be gone. Of coarse I'd have to take things in little steps, a very gradual process, as much for me as well as to ease my mom into the new me, that after a few years have passed, she didn't even notice the changes until comparisons were made of the me then and later.
I know somewhere deep inside of her she still hurts from the part of me that she did lose, something is always going to be lost with such drastic transitions as what I was taking, that I am no longer her son, even if a part of me will always be, she didn't exactly lose me afterall, its not like I died or something, though I could have, but she loves and accepts me as a daughter now, and knowing that I'm happy, she's happy. She didn't get to see those typical things that mother's want to see their sons go through, girlfriend, marriage, children, therefore grandchildren by me, but what she gained from accepting me for who I really am, we have a much closer relationship, and I know that she values that more than anything, I certainly do, I love my mom. She actually can't wait til I get back on the hormones again, just as much as I want them, because the past two years that I've been off of them, I haven't always been that nice to her, I go through similar moods that I used to always have all the time before hormones, quiet hostility, doing things to hurt myself, snapping at her rudely or answering with sarcasm, and the gradual feeling that we're becoming more distant again, she got used to girly me, so did I. That angry withdrawn person wasn't who I was long ago, I was angry, frustrated with myself, even if I am like that at times now, I know its only because of the confusion, and my mom knows it too, that's why she can forgive me now when I get in those moods, because through all the years knowing me, she's come to understand better how I feel. But what if she had decided never to give me that chance, that night I came out to her about myself, that she was unwilling to accept it, would I still be here? What would I have done? How would she have been able to deal with it? There's a lot of questions that one should ask, this from the one coming out to their parents, as well as those such as parents, consequences must be weighed very carefully.
You'll know when the time is to come out to those needing to come out to, its when you just can't hold it in anymore, you'll either just calmly tell them, or be like me, explode in a burst of tears and hardly able to remember much of anything that went on then afterward.
