Same thing affected me over a decade ago. I remember sitting around by myself crying, either in my room, or naked on the toilet or edge of tub (sometimes just because I had to look at it every day or right after I masterbated), or when I found a quiet place outside away from everybody, balling my brains out, asking why, why do I feel this way, why can't I be happy with what I am, why does it bother me so much to be a guy, to have a penis, to have these feelings? Sometimes I'd look at myself either in a mirror or just looking down while in the shower, I would tuck my penis between my legs and look again, thinking, this is how its supposed to be, why can't I just make it disappear, I don't even care if I have any genitals at all, so long as I didn't have to have that anymore! I did try to cope with it, deny myself of who I really was, continue to try to live as a man, but I continued to be miserable, and the longer I held it in the more I became withdrawn, into an even deeper state of depression, and then started doing things to hurt myself (trying to break my penis while it was hard, trying to cut my testicles out or tieing them up til I couldn't handle the pain anymore, or pinching or squeezing my genitals just to make the horniness go away, choking or pinching my adam's apple, shaving my whole head one time to deny myself of my pretty hair, lots of terrible stuff) or had thoughts of killing myself (too many ways from quick to brutal). When I finally came to terms with myself, and accept what I was, as well as coming out to family, its like a huge weight was lifted from me, and I was gradually able to explore more about myself, and was better able to accept it.
I still don't like being trans, still wish that I had been born a normal girl, I wouldn't have these problems with myself, but then again, maybe I'd been born in a girl's body yet the soul of a boy and still be in the same f'ed up predicament. I still hate having the parts that I do, can't wait to get rid of them (surgery of coarse), but being trans doesn't bother me quite so much anymore, somehow because of my experiences, I think it made me better as a person, still though not the easiest thing to deal with. I kinda choked up when I was reading your post before posting my response only because I know all to well what you're going through, made me remember mine, I feel your pain, been there (though opposite sexes). You can get through this, and I know you want to be normal, to be able to accept yourself as you were born, but if you feel like a boy, and your body doesn't match, denying those feelings is only going to hurt you more. So what if you are trans, so what if you are different from what is considered normal, every single so called person in this world that deems themselves normal is screwed up in some way or other, most just don't want to admit it, because of fear, that they will be looked down on or shunned, of coarse because of how people treat those that are transsexual our problems are a bit harder to cope with than others, because for many of us to live happily with ourselves we have to be ourselves which means dressing up as we feel comfortable as, getting on hormones and/or surgery to make most of our body match with who we are inside, and because of this we are considered outcasts, freaks, or just looking for attention, even abominations by some, but someday people are going to realize how wrong they were, lets hope it is in our lifetime, then maybe it won't be so hard to deal with. Its hard enough not being able to understand it yourself why you feel that way, even worst so that you know most others will certainly not, and therefore feel you have to keep it hidden, like its something terrible, but its not, just something got messed up along the way while where the body and mind didn't meet and agree as they should, you can't help that, try not to beat yourself up over it.
