After a lot of deliberation, and this stupid idea that somehow I could keep this a secret until I was legally moved out, I'm coming to terms with the fact that I want to, and almost feel like I need to tell my dad.

This is going to get a bit tl;dr because there's necessary backstory. Just as a warning.

My dad decided we were moving when I was 10, because it'd be easier to live above the family business then have to drive there at 4 AM if he got a call (My dad is a funeral director/embalmer, and is pretty much on call 24/7/365). I was crushed, I had a load of friends, loved the house, had a near perfect childhood. When we moved, I got put into Catholic school, which you guys have probably seen me bitch about at least twice. It was a living nightmare. I won't go into it, because frankly I could probably right a series on the hell I went through, but in some way I always blamed my dad for it. That school beat it into me that nobody would listen to me because I wasn't worth it, so I stopped telling my parents what was happening to me pretty early on. But that bitterness was still there.

When I hit 8th grade, I finally broke down and told him I couldn't go to a catholic highschool. At this point, my dad and I nearly never talked, and when we did it was mostly arguments or commands. I sobbed, for the first time since I was a kid, to him. I told him I'd kill myself, and not out of any "If you don't give me my way I'm gonna off myself and you'll be sorry" BS. I told him, honestly, that I couldn't do it. If I didn't kill myself, the stress (or the straight-out physical abuse) was going to kill me. He got pissed, but not at me. I went to a normal highschool, started feeling a bit better and being less of an all-around douchebag. My dad and I started getting along better.

Highschool was a lot of ups and downs for me, like everyone else in the world. I had a bit of a drug problem I managed to keep hidden, I had a lot of crappy friends but a few amazing ones, and for the most part it wasn't terribly remarkable (at least not in the me and my dad context).

College hit, and something changed. There's a lot of personal crap I'm not telling, because it's just...not something I'm bringing up. Suffice it to say, my dad and I mutually realized how stupid we'd been being to each other, and an actual bond started to form-a tiny, thin, brittle one, but a bond nonetheless. We never sat down and had heart-to-hearts, but we were joking and laughing and really meaning it for the first time since I was a little kid.

So, I'm a year out of college now. After our first dog died (my second year in college), it crushed us all, but it hit myself and my dad the worst. I get my massive love/weakness for dogs from my dad, and both of us just sat there holding him, crying dead silent. Everyone else sobbed, everyone else was a wreck, but me and him both fought it harder than hell. When he finally passed, we both broke at almost the same goddamn time.

I'm realizing now, that so much of that rift between us was entirely my fault. I never tried, I never even attempted to fix it. My dad didn't move us here to ruin my life, he did it so we could have our OWN house as opposed to a rented one, and so he could get to work anytime he needed. He didn't put me in catholic school to traumatize me, he did it because he'd heard horror stories about this town's public schools. In the past six or seven months, I think I've learned more than I have in years.

So that brings me to the issue at hand (I can almost hear some of you brave enough to tag along screaming "FINALLY").
On Easter, I talked to my aunts a lot about my being trans. I told them about how happy passing makes me, I told them a few humorous horror stories about getting in and out of a binder. I barely talked to my dad, though. We made jokes about my dog, we picked on each other like we always do, and I raved over his amazing cooking skills. It didn't occur to me till later that night, talking to Ben, how much it hurts keeping all the best and worst parts of my life from him. I know I'm not going to live forever, nobody is, and I've had some close calls already. Two years ago, when I had a serious drinking problem, I nearly died.

I passed out for three hours, they couldn't get me up, everyone there (and they were all sober) said half the time I wasn't breathing. I was cold, I was numb, and I was convinced I wouldn't wake back up. Ever since that, things have affected me differently. I keep thinking, if I'd have died then NO one would have known I was trans. My mom would've never known why I tried to kill myself so many times, and my poor dad would've known even less. He would've blamed himself, for all of it.

The hard part...I don't even know if I CAN tell him. I've been making my mom play messenger between us for over 10 years now.
I've only had two serious talks with him in my life. One started out of an argument, and the other because my aunt outed me to everyone (when I thought I was a lesbian). Both ended fine, the gay thing he took incredibly well. It NEVER came up. It NEVER became something he'd throw around to be a dick with. But being trans is...well, entirely different. Telling someone your gay, realistically, shouldn't change anything. They don't have to call you by a different name. They don't have to change everything they've thought about you.

And my dad is Russian Orthodox. After my dog died, he plunged even worse into the obsessive religion thing he's been on for a few years. It's never gotten in the way of family crap, he's never once bitched at me for being anti-religious, but still...I'm terrified that this is going to be the final straw.

Fat, 21 year old with no life, wasted 3 years at a community college for a job he never got, thought he was a lesbian, now thinks he's gay, is just a massive goddamn screwup...

I'm scared that this is going to be the end all. And I can't deal with that. I still 'technically' live there. And I still, for the life of me, can't get a damn job. I couldn't live without seeing my dogs, but I can't keep living like this.

I have no idea what to do, or if there's anything I even CAN do. And it's driving me insane.

I kinda know what that feels like.  to want to be close and open with someone, but for some unknown reason, you can't. 

I really don't know what to tell you, though.  I still haven't figured it out.  I still can't tell the people I'm closest to about my being trans, )even though I know they will be accepting.)  I'm just hoping that someday I will eventually want to tell them so badly that I will just burst and do it, and that that feeling will become stronger than my feeling of not wanting to tell them.  That's all I can say, I'm sorry

I've thought about telling mine too, hes my step dad though, but he has always been supportive of me with everything else. I don't know if he will disown me. My mom says he will and she definitely will when I start medically transitioning. He told me that he is fine with me liking girls. I think he may have a hunch. We were down the shore and standing around on the boardwalk waiting for my mom to come out of a shop. There was a butch lesbian a few yards away.  He goes "Oh I thought that was a man at first, their a lesbian, same thing right?" Not sure if that was his way of implying he knows or if he just views being trans the same as being gay. If that's just his view point maybe he won't care.

I've also been in community college for 3 years and am 21. I suggest getting any job. Even if it's crap. Just start making money.

Good luck, I hope everything goes well if you decide to tell him.

@JohnAlex, that's pretty much how I did it with my mom. New Year's eve, Julie brought up the conversation trying to prep her for it and I just blurted it out. Felt great, though, seriously. It's like the most wonderful release imaginable.

@Sharky, they'll disown you if you go through the surgeries? That's...awful. Unless I misread that by accident.
Maybe his comment was just an indication of cluelessness? Some people do think it's the same thing, simply out of ignorance.
I've been trying to find a job for three years now, it's near impossible here, and I'm absolutely not moving. This place may be a dump, but it's my place and I do like it here. A lot. I've gotten two interviews, one I was massively overqualified for, and the other one I just never got a call back for. I try to do at least five or six applications a week, it's just...really disheartening.

I hope it goes good, too. Maybe sometime this weekend I can sit down with my mom and talk (preferably with Ben there to translate my nervous yammer into normal English)

My mom said she will disown me. I'm not out to anyone else, except my FWB.
Yeah it may just be cluelessness, but if he really does think it's the same thing and his is ok with one, then I'm thinking he will might be ok with the other.
Even if it's flipping burgers? Bringing in min wage is better than bringing in nothing.

Man, that's messed up. I can't get my mind around that at all.

Even friggin' flipping burgers. I've applied at multiple McDonalds and zilch.
Right now though, I'm doing at least making something selling paintings and bags I make. So it's better than nothing.

I wanted to wait to come out to my parents until I moved out. I felt it would be easier that way. But I feel like I can't hide it anymore. It's literally like its killing me to keep it a secret anymore. I feel like I need to tell them not only for that reason but also because I feel like I'm lying to them. I love them and I want them to be a part of this. So I know how you're feeling. I even set a date. My brother is coming home from college and he agreed to help me tell them. I'm going to do it after my next appointment on the 23rd.

That's great that you've got someone to help you with it. I'd lose my mind if my friends weren't supportive, I'm horrible at non-violent confrontations, especially with people I care about.

I can't imagine having the threat of not only losing a personal connection but possibly your home as well.  I wish I had some advice, but all I can say is good luck man .  I hope things work out well for you.

Quote from: Brent123 on May 05, 2011, 09:00:05 PM
I feel like I can't hide it anymore. It's literally like its killing me to keep it a secret anymore. I feel like I need to tell them not only for that reason but also because I feel like I'm lying to them. I love them and I want them to be a part of this.

This exactly.  I feel so guilty whenever they call me my birth name or use female pronouns. 
I'm glad your brother's behind you for it.

@Lee, thanks man, I hope it goes well too. I don't seriously think he'd kick me out, my mom wouldn't let him, but it would definitely make things awkward and miserable. Especially because it's where we do our band practice X_X

@Caleb, I know I've said it before but your dad sounds like he's definitely got some issues. I'm with you on the second half, too. I'd like a definite, whether it's a good one or a bad one. This limbo bull is stressing me out. I just don't want my impatience to muck it up, so I'm trying to wait longer, think it over and over, make sure I'm phrasing it right and not coming off as an overemotional psychopath.

N.Chaos, I have no pearls of wisdom regarding your father. The job situation, though...this will sound callous, but if you haven't already, you might look into volunteer opportunities and milk them for all they are worth. Put them on your application/resume. Get a letter of praise/recommendation from someone you volunteer for. It does take time to build up such relationships, but they can help you in the long run.

And keep applying to places you've applied for--what if you fill out a new application every month or two? Wear them down. Call and ask to speak to the manager. If you can get even an informal interview, you can show him or her how highly motivated you are.

I'm not sure of the best way for you to tell your dad what you need to, but reading through your post, I think that this might be a good start:

Quote from: N.Chaos on May 04, 2011, 03:36:32 PM
I'm realizing now, that so much of that rift between us was entirely my fault. I never tried, I never even attempted to fix it. My dad didn't move us here to ruin my life, he did it so we could have our OWN house as opposed to a rented one, and so he could get to work anytime he needed. He didn't put me in catholic school to traumatize me, he did it because he'd heard horror stories about this town's public schools. In the past six or seven months, I think I've learned more than I have in years.

Have you ever told him this? Have you ever told him how you felt and how you see things differently? Maybe a good start would be to clear the air between you first? Maybe it will be a little easier if he knows the way you really feel about the relationship between the two of you.

Whatever you decide to do... I sincerly hope for the best. *hug*

Quote from: Sephirah on May 18, 2011, 03:04:07 PM
I'm not sure of the best way for you to tell your dad what you need to, but reading through your post, I think that this might be a good start:

Have you ever told him this? Have you ever told him how you felt and how you see things differently? Maybe a good start would be to clear the air between you first? Maybe it will be a little easier if he knows the way you really feel about the relationship between the two of you.

Whatever you decide to do... I sincerly hope for the best. *hug*

I haven't yet, it's always been really hard to talk to him, if he doesn't want to hear something he'll just get up and walk away. It's immature as hell,but he's always been like that and I'm not wanting to wreck the way we've been getting along lately. I still haven't had a chance to sit down with my mom and really talk about this either, that's my absolute first goal on this regardless.

Quote from: Arch on May 18, 2011, 02:12:19 PM
N.Chaos, I have no pearls of wisdom regarding your father. The job situation, though...this will sound callous, but if you haven't already, you might look into volunteer opportunities and milk them for all they are worth. Put them on your application/resume. Get a letter of praise/recommendation from someone you volunteer for. It does take time to build up such relationships, but they can help you in the long run.

And keep applying to places you've applied for--what if you fill out a new application every month or two? Wear them down. Call and ask to speak to the manager. If you can get even an informal interview, you can show him or her how highly motivated you are.

Doesn't sound callous at all, it's good advice. I volunteer at animal shelters whenever I can, and occasionally soup kitchens. I try to put in a few applications a week, or at least call around and see who's hiring.

I know how hard it is leading up to telling your dad. The best advice i can give is to ask to sit down with him and do it face to face, i know that is hard but it seems that some people have problems with writen letters( my dad). its even harder to keep your self in check if the parent goes off the deep end, but keep a even voice. This was the hard part for me once my dad confronted me. but if you keep an even voice and not loose your emotions its better becouse it kinda shows that you are set in your ways no matter how they react. Take a deep breath and start out slow tell him you have something important to tell him and that if he can wait to answer till your done it might help as well... Good luck in this i know its hard, Im not sayin everything is going to be peaches and cream but it will get it all in the open and it will make you feel better about getting it off your mind.

Good luck N.

once you start t there wont be no hiding it
i have a relationship with my dad similar to what youve explained.Amazingly enough, my dad was the first in the family to accept me and treat me as a man.Although he still to this day doesnt understand, he accepts.
Your dad may never understand you or your choices in life, but he will allways love you. it took a while for my 'ol boy' to come around and being honest with how i feel helped him understand i suppose.I mean its a pretty big adjustment for your dad as it is for you and he wont wanna loose you so he will come round. Just dont stop bein yourself, and be honest and things should be ok

Brandon, you're probably right, especially with my dad. My vocabulary's always been a little extensive and when I write it definitely shows a lot more, so if I was to write out a huge, verbose letter my dad would most likely look at it and just get confused. I'll see if I can find time to sit down and talk to my mom, extensively, and figure out how to go about talking to my dad.

Jamie, I don't plan on going through HRT so I'm lucky in that regard, however I've been going out male for at least half a year now. I stopped using hair remover on my face and stopped shaving everything, so he's got to be wondering why I'm rocking super-fuzzy legs. That's great that your dad accepts it, though. When I really think about it, without my inborn pessimism, I think it'll probably be the same with my dad. The only thing I see him really having issues with is surgery, he's always been a little overprotective.