I don't post much although I could post a question, or observation just about everyday.

My question to anyone but maybe more so post op is: Did it take GRS to finally be at peace?

One thing running through this little head of mine is when will I be at peace. I am contemplating going full time but I'm not even out to anyone yet. I feel if I let someone know whats going on with me that will give me some peace or at least lesson the anxiety. Then when I go full time I should be more at peace after the initial shock wears off.

The problem I'm having is I'm sure I won't be at peace very long. I think know I may be the type that will never be at peace until that thing between my legs is gone. I don't think I could go years as a pre op. I realize no one knows whats in between your legs unless their under your bed sheets. (no worry here)  but to me its something that must me gone.

I sense this already, even though I am not out I pass fairly well dressing down or up. Mostly because I just don't care, but I'm still not happy cause I can't just relax more and let my hair down so to speak. At first I was very happy standing shoulder to shoulder with other women at cloths racks, restrooms and ..........and no one would bat an eye. Now this happens much of the time but I'm not happy with this I want to be me.

I Then look to the future and think once I'm full time, I still won't be satisfied, sure no one will be the wiser (except people that know me UGH) but I will know whats down there. I fear this cause I don't see my self obtaining GRS until at least 4 years and thats if I'm very lucky. I just don't think I could go 4 years pre op plus the full time period.  Does anyone have a spare $25,000 that they don't need.

Shelly

Hahaha, funny, but also not. Heck, I told my mom, if only we had $100,000, that would take care of everything for the both of us, a house fully paid up, a car, and my surgery. Hey, we can dream, right?

That is a question each individual must answer for themselves. There are many people who have deformities all throughout their life, and they are able to thrive in every day life. I believe it's part of your personality with respect to what you let control your life.
As hard as it is to do, consider your traits which you love about yourself, give them proper nourishment and attention to thrive and then I believe you will be at peace.
The overwhelming majority of people in this world are not at peace because they always focus on the negative.
The other post-op girls i've known irl did not find their peace after they lost their piece.

Personally with every step I take can feel myself becoming more at peace.

Do I think I'll ever be at complete peace before SRS?

No I do not.... that's why I'm hoping I can somehow pull it off by my 35th birthday.

A tall order given the fact that I turn 32 in November...... I'm not yet full time, heck I'm barely even part time.... then the cost is obviously prohibitive as well.

Still plan on giving it my all.

In the meantime going to simply take joy and a little bit of comfort in every little thing, examples being that I had my first laser treatment on Monday and as of Wednesday have an HRT blood work appointment for mid July.

  At peace after SRS?  To me right now, SRS may not be possible due to my finances and living on a fixed income.  I am satisfied and at peace with myself for the first time in my life on the HRT thus far.   The 4 prior anti-depressants I was on didn't even come close to this!  The HRT so far has remove the mood swings I had before and I am not showing the periodic mood swings usually blamed by the perodic  progesterone usage.  That and some of the other positives were completely unexpected!  I slog on trying to get used to this type of euphoria!
  Joelene. 

Quote from: Joelene9 on May 19, 2011, 10:32:48 PM
  At peace after SRS?  To me right now, SRS may not be possible due to my finances and living on a fixed income.  I am satisfied and at peace with myself for the first time in my life on the HRT thus far.   The 4 prior anti-depressants I was on didn't even come close to this!  The HRT so far has remove the mood swings I had before and I am not showing the periodic mood swings usually blamed by the perodic  progesterone usage.  That and some of the other positives were completely unexpected!  I slog on trying to get used to this type of euphoria!
  Joelene.

Well said girl. This, too, is my case, as I am certain it is with many other girls here.  :-)

As a post-op girl, yes, I am at peace with my body finally.  Surgery absolutely resolved my dissonance between how I felt my body should look like and how it should feel and how my body really was.  When I look at myself in the mirror, I absolutely know that this is right.  HRT alone did nothing for my gender dissonance as my body and mind were still mismatched.  Though I will state that I have never had to go on any anti-depressants.

For me the goal of transition was to be on HRT and to have T removed from my body that was the goal and by the time I was around 18 months on HRT I really felt settled. Maybe it's too soon to say what effect srs has had on me over all. I have heard it can make HRT more effective without the "factories" being there anymore. So in a way it may help to make me even more comfortable in my own skin I don't know. I've considered myself asexual since my last relationship and have no plans to change that so maybe it was just an added bonus to have the surgery done, being able to wear tight jeans etc and be literally "comfortable". Srs came pretty quick for me but I felt great even before just from HRT... it was just a bonus to me.
I think I was more excited about HRT than surgery which only confirms to me my original goals and that I achieved them already.

If your goal is to have srs and you feel it will be what brings you the most peace then make it happen, stay fixed on it... working towards it everyday! Four years is not long plus it gives you more time to adjust and develop. Working on things you may would have to work on post-op anyway. I feel like that now.. there are still more hurdles to go and having other people around me for srs as well that kept surgery for their last hurdle it make it more obvious! Transition for me is a long process... I consider it to be at least a seven year process! To be completely rid of any tissue that was exposed to T!!!!

In respect of my gender/sex yes I am at peace. 

However before you go imagining me in some restful nirvana like bliss, the nature of life is that if you solve one problem others turn up to take its place. 

So ultimately what I achieved was not perfect peace but the ability to start worrying about something else, and unconnected to gender, for a change. 

Quote from: rejennyrated on May 19, 2011, 11:17:33 PM
So ultimately what I achieved was not perfect peace but the ability to start worrying about something else, and unconnected to gender, for a change. 

YES

This is what peace is to me. I just hope I can achieve at least part of this by coming out, then going full time. My fear is I will achieve no more peace with each step. What if even GRS doesn't give me the peace I seek. I know it is not the cure all for all my problems, I may even have more but I just want what you said, everyday ordinary problems.

Since accepting myself, then starting HRT I have recieved some peace with myself, but I also added more stress to an already screwed up person.

Shelly, coming out is very, very important to your peace of mind. Even if you are dressing as a female in public and strangers see you as female, you are still living a lie to the important people in your life. It is essentially like using cross-dressing as a coping behavior, even though we all really know you are NOT cross-dressing, but expressing your true inner self. As with all coping mechanisms, it will be less effective over time. It sounds like you already feel you need more to be happy.

At the core of things I imagine you feel that you are not being honest with the people around you and that has to weigh heavy on your mind. I know when I came out, the elation and euphoria of finally being honest with myself and my loved ones carried me quite a ways. I found peace for a bit, but that does wear off too. You must keep moving forward to keep the dogs at bay. However, like you I won't feel like my journey will be complete until I have SRS.

Finally, for those of you who cannot afford SRS, have you considered trying to secure employment with a company that has insurance that covers it? The HRC has a list of these. Worth a try.

I feel peace is more about direction than destination.  When does the journey to become ourselves really end after all?  Let those flashes of peacefulness inform the steps you take, eliminate the external sources of angst and unhappiness and you might just find peace before you even reach any of the landmarks that have been mentioned.  That doesn't mean that when you feel happy or at peace you stop, it just means you keep going in that direction.

The more one is focused on landmarks, the harder it will be to enjoy the journey.  Don't forget, transition is every bit about the inside as it is the outside.  I would even say that transitioning from the inside-out helps ensure you don't end up with a superficial womanhood.  Not that the visible body/presentation issues aren't important, because they are, but there is a lot of beauty and splendor that happens along the way- between HRT and full-time, and full-time and SRS.  Don't forget about the flowers lining the path.  Smell them!

I agree with what Jen said 100%.

I'm certain;y more at peace as I travel along. I look in my journal of even 6 months ago and I know I have grown and I am happier. There are many of us who cannot 'sprint'  the journey for all sorts of reasons, but I'm liking the trip. And as Jenny said life is a priority of problems.

Cindy

I am post op 10 months 21 days, but pre-op 20 years.
I was comnfortable after transition and fared well, but after surgery noticed that I was "smoother" mentally.
I had problems post op, still dealing with them, but dont regret the surgery at all and I like tha change in me.

Good luck and 4 years is nothing 

Hi Shelly

Of course, grs don't solve all your problems but for what I can say is that there is some inner peace.
To be the one that you are mentally and physicly was for me a great advantage.
In my country you were allowed to change name and gender on the birth certificate when you had grs, so than it was easier to find a job.
It was easier to face and solve the other problems.

I hope you find the $25k, I'm still searching but can't find it.

hugs
Annette

I came out at the beginning of Feb & have been much more at peace since then but i'm not full time & this is causing problems for me, when I go to work dressed as a man it often makes me depressed I have to keep telling myself that this wont last forever, I wear a little bit of makeup at work & this also helps to offset the miserable feelings.

For me SRS is my ultimate goal & as I live in the UK i'm trying to get this done on the NHS but it's been almost 4 months since I saw my GP & I still don't have an appointment for the specialist.

I have something higher up on my list than SRS though, facial hair removal! I have a prominant 5 o'clock shadow & nothing completely hides it, no private medical group will do laser removal due to my excema so I have to wait for the NHS to pull their finger out & pull my facial hair out  & I can't completely pass until it's gone.
What's between my legs is easier to ignore now everyone knows but i'm so fixated on my stubble that it seems to overide every other concern right now, once it's gone then i'm sure i'll start fixating on whats between my legs (not in a good way)

Quote from: Jane on May 20, 2011, 05:27:58 AM
I came out at the beginning of Feb & have been much more at peace since then but i'm not full time & this is causing problems for me, when I go to work dressed as a man it often makes me depressed I have to keep telling myself that this wont last forever, I wear a little bit of makeup at work & this also helps to offset the miserable feelings.

For me SRS is my ultimate goal & as I live in the UK i'm trying to get this done on the NHS but it's been almost 4 months since I saw my GP & I still don't have an appointment for the specialist.

I have something higher up on my list than SRS though, facial hair removal! I have a prominant 5 o'clock shadow & nothing completely hides it, no private medical group will do laser removal due to my excema so I have to wait for the NHS to pull their finger out & pull my facial hair out  & I can't completely pass until it's gone.
What's between my legs is easier to ignore now everyone knows but i'm so fixated on my stubble that it seems to overide every other concern right now, once it's gone then i'm sure i'll start fixating on whats between my legs (not in a good way)

Hmmmm - good luck with that. I am really glad to hear that coming out helped you, but unfortunately I think I may need to give you a little cautionary information. (Apologies for a momentary derail here - but this is important.)

As one of the old timers here, who witnessed firsthand what happened during the NHS cuts of the late 1970's and early 1980's I would strongly advise you and any other UK girls who are going the NHS route to work on having a backup plan. With the economic austerity measures I suspect that NHS funded SRS may get progressively harder to obtain unless you are a young transitioner (as indeed I was back in the 80's). IT may turn out ok, so don't run away with the idea that it is hopeless, but I am saying that it would be sensible to consider what you would do IF...

As for electrolysis/laser hair removal it is possible I may be out of date on this, but I am sorry to have to tell you that in all but one of the cases that I know of, this was not NHS funded. Instead you will probably have to fund this out of your own pocket and indeed the doctors may use this as part of their assessment of your motivation. I know that sounds unfair - but it does happen, and I'd rather you were told the truth up front, because then you can plan around it rather than having a nasty shock.

Anyway good luck with your journey, and as others have said try to enjoy the ride as you go.

Quote from: Just Shelly on May 19, 2011, 08:34:23 PMMy question to anyone but maybe more so post op is: Did it take GRS to finally be at peace?

For myself, yes.  It was always there in my head as a possibility, but once I began my journey I quickly realized I would never feel complete or finished without going "all the way", as it were.  I'm very binary that way, and always have been.  I also understood then that I had been on this journey toward that precise destination since the day I was born.  Like Jenny said, we do exchange one problem for another, but at least they aren't connected to gender anymore.

It required the extreme measure of SRS to finally cure my dysphoria once and for all, to the best extent it can be cured in our situation.  It gave me a feeling of rightness in body that I was never before able to experience.  So even though yes, other issues arise after transition, there has been nothing quite like the peace of finally being corrected.

Jenny, you're right about the financial cutbacks having an effect on getting this done, my GP's surgery originaly said they would send the referal letter but after a few months i've found out that this has been sent by the phsyciatrists office as they had an argument over which department would fund this.
I'm under no illusion about how hard this process will be but i'm determined that nothing will prevent me from correcting this problem, unfortunately I can't see any way to have this done privately, as it is my finances are stretched right now & I can't see any way to improve that situation