I think I've come out of the closet about three times now to my family, and I'm really not certain how to feel about their responses.
The first time I came out to them was when I was in high school (I think that was three years or so ago now). Back then, I was certain that I was a crossdresser, and that was it. I had hoped that by coming out to my folks they would be supportive and help me develop in a way that would help me grow in the way I needed to.
After coming out to them that time, I felt just as frustrated as I had been before. Rather than understanding that this was an integral part of me that I
needed to express, I was sent to a therapist who, while not unkind, kept giving me the feeling that he had the ulterior motive of 'working' for my parents. I was forced to stay up in my room whenever I wanted to crossdress, which only served to frustrate me even more. They didn't understand that this was a part of my personality that
had to be expressed, and that I was uncomfortable with how I was presenting myself. I'm pretty sure it was around here that I began to become really depressed.
Last year I went for my first year of college in Montreal. I thought that by getting out of the country I'd be able to have the space I needed to express myself. It was also around this time that I really began to understand that I was not merely a crossdresser, but truly transsexual. Unfortunately, being in the closed social circle that was dorm life, I didn't have nearly enough support to do it. Not to mention the fact that one of the most well-liked folks in the dorms was a transvestite who was convinced and publicly vocal about his belief that transsexualism couldn't exist. He was damn gorgeous, but not particularly kind to me. I tried to turn to my new friends for help, but I hadn't forged any close bonds yet and I was inevitably compared to him.
I came back home to Vermont this year and began living at home again to save money, and I've regretted it ever since. I've only become more and more depressed in doing so. I tried coming out to my parents again earlier this year, and even after a tearful evening of pouring out my feelings to them, they treat it ambivalently. My father in particular is almost hostile about it, and any outward signs that I'm transsexual he treats as a direct affront to him personally, not a necessary expression of my true self. I am finally moving into my own apartment in July, but my parents have decided to help me significantly with my rent costs, and I have a feeling that any outward indication of my transsexuality, even when I'm living on my own, could cause them to pull their support from under me.
I guess my question here is: how do I properly communicate to my parents the gravity of how I feel? I don't think they understand yet how cripplingly depressing it is for me each day to live like this. No matter how many times I talk to them, they don't seem to understand how crucial this is for me and how painful it is for me to get up in the morning and look at myself. I just want them to understand that my expressing how I feel about my body isn't hostility towards them but alleviating pain in myself, and no matter how often I speak with them, that point seems to elude them, even when I explicitly state it.
Apologies for the ranting as well.
