So I don't really do rants, but I'm just feeling so down now, and I wonder if anyone's got any uplifting words.
So I only pass once every blue moon pass.  I'm not on T or anything, so that's understandable.  And I just try not to let it get to me that I don't pass.  I just try to tell myself that it's okay because I was born into a female body, it's understandable that I don't pass.  and I just try to look to the future of when will get on T and get surgery and be passing better.
And I love looking at people's pictures in the "Do I look Badass" thread.  that makes me feel hopeful that someday I can pass that well.

And here's the depressing part...  sometimes I feel like I might never make it there and might never pass in my life.  I don't know if I could ever accept that.  This kinda friend of mine was going on and on today about how he can ALWAYS tell if someone is transsexual or not.  Nothing can hide it good enough.  And he's not trying to be a jerk to me by saying that (I think honestly he has a fear of finding himself attracted to a trans woman and not knowing she is trans.) So he might have been lying.   But it kinda hurt and left me depressed nonetheless.   Sometimes I feel like such a fool... such a clown.  I dress like a guy, but who am I fooling?  no one.  will I ever be capable of passing consistently, in my life?

Honestly, I don't feel that bad when friends who only know me as a girl, see me as a girl.   But friends who know me as trans, I just feel so self-conscious.  And I feel like I must look silly to them.  Like they must look at me, and laugh and think, "really?  you think you're a guy?  but you look so female."
It makes me want to not come out to anyone at all.  Just let people think I'm a girl who dresses like a guy, even though that makes me feel depressed too, but at least it doesn't make me feel like a fool. 

There's an LGBT club at my school, plus some trans support groups in my area, but I haven't had the courage to go to one because of this feeling so self conscious.  Even though I'm sure other trans people would be supportive and understanding.  I just sound and look so female still.  Like I'd be afraid to go to that club at my school because they might all think that I'm there because I'm a lesbian.  And I don't want to see anyone looking at me SHOCKED if I tell them, "No, I'm not a lesbian.  I'm trans."

When I'm feeling depressed I try to look for the happy future.  but now I've been wondering if I will ever pass in my life.  and that is not a happy future.

The first step I took, even though I was pre T and at the beginning I didn't even have a binder, was to introduce myself to the LGBT club at school as my male name. Anywhere else I would have felt silly, but there were other trans people at the LGBT club (though I haven't met another FTM there) and everyone was really great about calling me 'he' and my male name. I had spoken with the Coordinator of the club first and she offered to beat anyone up who gave me a hard time.

(side note, I've had three women offer to beat people up for me in the past year. I wonder what that means.)

Just having that place to go when I was not passing and not feeling male at all was great. It gave me a place to explore being called 'he'. I'm sure if you went to your LGBT club they wouldn't be shocked at all if you told them you were trans.

I have a combination of friends. Some knew me as female name, even though I was presenting as male as I could pre-T. Some know me as male name, and didn't ever know me as a 'girl'.

I'm still kind of in that ambiguous, sometimes passing, sometimes not stage. I have a friend who I met a few months ago and came out to the next day. She says that when she looks at me, she would wonder if I was a boy or a girl if she didn't know. She's my most honest friend. She probably still sees girl when she looks at me, because she has asked whether I want to be called 'he' yet.

That's another point. I'm almost 7 weeks on T and I haven't asked my friends to call me 'he' yet. I feel like I don't pass well enough to ask that of them. When my voice passes, that's when I'm going to make the switch to 'he'.

But honestly? If people want to laugh at me for thinking I'm a guy, I just don't care. I'm not doing this for other people. I felt awkward a lot before T, and when I return to school in September and everyone who knew me this year sees the changes I will probably feel awkward again, but I know that I am male, and my main feeling is relief that I don't have to pretend any more.

I know it sucks to worry that you'll never pass. I worry that I'll never look like the people in the badass thread. But I try not to focus on the future and what I might look like then, because right now is a journey and I don't want to miss any of it.

Sorry to answer your rant with my own rant.

Sorry for peeking into this, but aside from giving you a big hug, maybe there are a few things to think about.

You're not trying to fool anyone, hon. I think sometimes we all lose sight of the fact that we don't be ourselves to try and convince everyone else, we do it because it's who we are. We can't not be who we are. You said it yourself, you're not on T yet. You really have a whole host of physical changes to come when you take the steps down that road. However, both this and any way you choose to dress, to present yourself to the outside world... these things only accentuate who you are, they don't make you who you are. That comes from within. That comes from the person you know yourself to be. And when you have a strong belief in that, then anything you do serves only to reinforce that.

It's a vicious cycle: you don't think anyone sees the real you, so you stop seeing the real you, and that loss of confidence... that loss of self-belief, it makes you unsure of yourself. And so the cycle repeats. But it doesn't have to be that way. You can break the cycle. It just needs a change in perspective, hon. A change in your thoughts that you're dressing as a guy so others perceive you that way, and their opinions reinforce your view of yourself... how about maybe adopting the position of "I dress this way because it's a reflection of me, because I see who I am even if you don't."

You wonder if you'll ever pass in your life... well, the simple answer to that is: You're a guy. You know you are. It's not a test. You can't fail. When you let other people's views define you, especially when you think you know what they're thinking... you stop living your life, and you start living theirs.

You don't see the world through other people's eyes, honey. You only see the world through your own eyes. And because of this, if you see yourself through other people's eyes, you lose the thing you strive so hard for in the first place. You lose the person you see when you close your eyes, he who gives you the drive and the passion to be yourself... and replace it with a composite made up of doubt, and a hundred different images you think others see. It becomes like a fractured mirror.

You're stronger than that. You've already shown that time and again, simply by knowing who you are, and what you want. Use that strength to shift your vision from everyone around you, back to the one person whose view of you actually matters. Change from "Am I?" to "I am!". I think you may be surprised by the effect this has.

*hug*

Man, I think we've all been at this point one too many times. I know that self-consciousness too, I get pissed when most of my friends call me "she" but at the same time I keep thinking "Well, I can't expect miracles with these giant things on my chest". Finding hope for the future can be hard as hell sometimes, but it's the only thing we've got, especially early on. Things start out bad, and we'll all hit some horribly rough patches, but it will get better. Hell, it HAS to. I've already decided I'm not taking no as an answer on any of it. I've thought about just giving up, going back to playing a role and I realized it would kill me. It might take a while, I might drag everyone I love down with me, but it would eventually kill me. I don't want that. I've come too close to dying already in my life, I'm not too keen on doing that again.

You've just gotta push on, even when everything looks like crap and it seems like there's no way out. If you can't find a way, blow up the mountain and build a new one.

I can relate to this so much. 

Quote from: JohnAlex on May 20, 2011, 09:22:27 PM
And here's the depressing part...  sometimes I feel like I might never make it there and might never pass in my life.  I don't know if I could ever accept that.  This kinda friend of mine was going on and on today about how he can ALWAYS tell if someone is transsexual or not.  Nothing can hide it good enough.  And he's not trying to be a jerk to me by saying that (I think honestly he has a fear of finding himself attracted to a trans woman and not knowing she is trans.) So he might have been lying.   But it kinda hurt and left me depressed nonetheless.   

A few weeks ago, right after I came out, a few of my friends were telling me (supposedly out of concern) that I'd never pass, and that everyone could tell who was trans and who isn't.  And trans people are just fooling themselves when they think they pass, but that's just because people are nice to them on the street and don't say anything.  I began considering suicide again after that.  Honestly, I'm not sure of their motivation for saying that, but the obvious flaw in their logic is that if a trans person IS passing, my friends would have no way of knowing that they are trans.  I came to a point where I decided that even if I never pass, I still have to be true to myself, and d*mn the torpedoes.  N. Chaos said it better than I could:

Quote from: N.Chaos on May 21, 2011, 01:23:04 AM
I've already decided I'm not taking no as an answer on any of it. I've thought about just giving up, going back to playing a role and I realized it would kill me. It might take a while, I might drag everyone I love down with me, but it would eventually kill me. I don't want that. I've come too close to dying already in my life, I'm not too keen on doing that again.

You've just gotta push on, even when everything looks like crap and it seems like there's no way out. If you can't find a way, blow up the mountain and build a new one.

Quote from: JohnAlex on May 20, 2011, 09:22:27 PM
There's an LGBT club at my school, plus some trans support groups in my area, but I haven't had the courage to go to one because of this feeling so self conscious.  Even though I'm sure other trans people would be supportive and understanding.  I just sound and look so female still.  Like I'd be afraid to go to that club at my school because they might all think that I'm there because I'm a lesbian.  And I don't want to see anyone looking at me SHOCKED if I tell them, "No, I'm not a lesbian.  I'm trans."

I definitely recommend going to a trans support group in your area.  The first time I went to one, I was terrified, but there's no reason to be.  Everyone there is either trans or supportive of trans people.  Many of the people there didn't pass yet, and no one judged anyone.  They'll understand.  And if there are already trans people at your LGBT group, I bet that will go well also.  Meeting other trans people in person was one of the most encouraging things I've done so far, and it was the best feeling in the world when they accepted me fully as male even though my voice doesn't pass one bit.  After all the sh*t I take from my friends, even the ones who are trying to be supportive, talking with other trans people who get it (even dysphoria) was so comforting.

Quote from: Sephirah on May 20, 2011, 10:01:18 PM
Sorry for peeking into this, but aside from giving you a big hug, maybe there are a few things to think about.

You're not trying to fool anyone, hon. I think sometimes we all lose sight of the fact that we don't be ourselves to try and convince everyone else, we do it because it's who we are. We can't not be who we are. You said it yourself, you're not on T yet. You really have a whole host of physical changes to come when you take the steps down that road. However, both this and any way you choose to dress, to present yourself to the outside world... these things only accentuate who you are, they don't make you who you are. That comes from within. That comes from the person you know yourself to be. And when you have a strong belief in that, then anything you do serves only to reinforce that.

It's a vicious cycle: you don't think anyone sees the real you, so you stop seeing the real you, and that loss of confidence... that loss of self-belief, it makes you unsure of yourself. And so the cycle repeats. But it doesn't have to be that way. You can break the cycle. It just needs a change in perspective, hon. A change in your thoughts that you're dressing as a guy so others perceive you that way, and their opinions reinforce your view of yourself... how about maybe adopting the position of "I dress this way because it's a reflection of me, because I see who I am even if you don't."

You wonder if you'll ever pass in your life... well, the simple answer to that is: You're a guy. You know you are. It's not a test. You can't fail. When you let other people's views define you, especially when you think you know what they're thinking... you stop living your life, and you start living theirs.

You don't see the world through other people's eyes, honey. You only see the world through your own eyes. And because of this, if you see yourself through other people's eyes, you lose the thing you strive so hard for in the first place. You lose the person you see when you close your eyes, he who gives you the drive and the passion to be yourself... and replace it with a composite made up of doubt, and a hundred different images you think others see. It becomes like a fractured mirror.

You're stronger than that. You've already shown that time and again, simply by knowing who you are, and what you want. Use that strength to shift your vision from everyone around you, back to the one person whose view of you actually matters. Change from "Am I?" to "I am!". I think you may be surprised by the effect this has.

*hug*

Listen to Sephira's advice.  She's right.  And thanks for writing this; it helped me a lot too. 

Don't give up, and don't let other people's views of you define who you are.  That goes for anything in life really, not just being trans.  You already know who you are, which puts you miles ahead of most people.  And it will get better.  I wish I could be more helpful, but I'm a bit scatter-brained at the moment.