Lots of questions:
How was that for you? Did you have to adjust to it in some way?
Have you gotten into any situations you just weren't prepared for or didn't expect?
Was it different than what you thought it would be or was there nothing new?
Have you had to learn how to hide it, walking into a new closet?
Just share anything and as much/little as you want


When I was a kid and up into the teens I was sometimes terrified of doing things that were too girly or somehow would make people find out I was gay, even though I knew my body was female. It was always really weird and confusing. No matter what I did it was wrong and forbidden in either one way or the other.
But since then I've just been "spoiled" with the fact that it's ok for me to be crazy about guys openly, and that it's ok to hold hands and kiss in public and all that (and I have a lovely habit of snogging up my SO randomly.. curious how that's gonna work out when I pass even better..).
My SO is straight, but he may yet be flexible there. It's going great so far, we're just adjusting slowly, aware that his feelings may change, but on and off it seems like he's getting uncomfortable about getting too close to me in public now, and it's rubbing off on me too sometimes.

But, for me, finally being able to acknowledge the fact that I'm gay and have it acknowledged by others is awesome. I'm not even sure why it means so much to me, but it makes me happy beyond words.


as a sidenote, I'm still waiting for T. I'm getting so impatient I'm freaking crawling along the walls right now. Any day now... any day!

Hey, I'm in a really similar situation right now. Actually, my situation's almost identical except my guy is almost more affectionate than me. I'm not sure how much help I'll be 'cause I'm kind of...disconcerted by my shift in sexuality, but I'll answer your questions 'cause I know at least having someone to relate to (for me, at least) helps sometimes.

How was that for you? Did you have to adjust to it in some way?

Scary as hell. I've liked girls since I was younger but over the past year or so, I've noticed my attraction decreasing and then flat out disappearing. I think it's a combination of too many bad experiences with women and my massive amounts of dysphoria, to the point where I don't just dislike my body, I dislike the female body on the whole. I've been adjusting to it by venting to my boyfriend constantly, and mutually splitting up with my girlfriend of seven years. It was awkward, but we're actually getting along a lot better now, being just best friends again.


Have you gotten into any situations you just weren't prepared for or didn't expect?

Not exactly. I expect the worst out of everything, so being called every derogatory term in the book doesn't surprise me. To be honest, the entire situation was unexpected.

Was it different than what you thought it would be or was there nothing new?

Dating a guy is a lot better, for me at least. We get along a hell of a lot better, but I think a lot of that might just be this guy. He's been my absolute best friend for about six years, and he knows me inside and out so I feel like it was kind of a matter of time before we ended up together. I'm always a little worried that people will think I'm just a fugly, hairy girl because we're dating, but eh...he's pretty liberal with calling me his boyfriend.

Have you had to learn how to hide it, walking into a new closet?
Yes and no. I'm out to everyone I talk to online and a few of my closest friends, some of which can't seem to understand it. I've always had an attraction to other guys, just not to this extent. The biggest thing I'm worried about really is how everyone's going to react to me and Julie splitting up.

Just share anything and as much/little as you want

More than anything, I hope you're not going through/went through the self-loathing period I am. I feel like I woke up one day and everything changed, I'd liked girls for so long, and then to just realize it did nothing for me was...a little terrifying. I started hating myself for it, for all of it. I hated myself for changing, for not realizing it sooner, for "lying" to Julie for seven years, for just about everything. I'm getting better about it, but it's really messed with my head. I know it'll sound hypocritical, especially after that, but sexuality is apparently...fluid. Very fluid. You never know when someone's going to show up in your life and present an entirely different option.

Hm. I've almost been having the opposite problem, in that I'm not actually visibly gay. And I'd kind of like to be more recognizable.

I've had some thoughts about the PDA thing. Not major serious thoughts, because (1) I'm single and (2) I live in the gayborhood, but I have wondered if I have the survival skills to avoid getting myself bashed if I went somewhere less safe with a future boyfriend.

This, though:

QuoteWhen I was a kid and up into the teens I was sometimes terrified of doing things that were too girly or somehow would make people find out I was gay, even though I knew my body was female. It was always really weird and confusing. No matter what I did it was wrong and forbidden in either one way or the other.

This. So, so much this. I still self-censor 'girly' or 'gay' behaviour, although I've gotten somewhat less uncomfortable with it since admitting to myself that I'm gay (which first required admitting that I'm male). It's so weird being in two conflicting closets at the same time.

This is a good question. I feel like it's one of the more "dangerous" areas for the newly passing. You likely have not been socialized enough as a boy/man and specifically as a GAY boy/man to implicitly understand the nuances of showing your gayness in public.

Personally, I am a bit like Kyril in that I'm NOT visibly gay. Alone, no one has any reason to think I am gay. I feel the effects of the closet and how heterosexuality is the dominant norm every time I have to choose whether to disclose I am gay or not. This is no different from what other gay men experience. People think you are either in or out of the closet. It's not that simple. I am out in my life. But strangers and society do not know I am gay, and they do not assume I am gay when I'm alone unless I am in a gay-specific space. I was chatting with a guy I met via sports stuff yesterday, and he was talking about his fiancee or upcoming travel plans. I had to decide whether to use the "we" or the "I" about some of my upcoming life stuff. I chose not to and shared less. Maybe if I get to know him better, I would. I imagine this gets easier over time, but my cis gay friends suggest it is always THERE.

As for having a partner or boyfriend, while I was never much of a PDA kind of guy, even pre-transition, I am far more aware now - and careful - about anything that shows intimacy between me and my partner. I think it was a little bit harder for him than for me, not because he cares that people see him as half a gay couple, but the opposite: he was more prone to showing signs of closeness or connection and cares so little that he wasn't really THINKING about how he'd be viewed and whether our context was an appropriate place for displaying that. We've talked though, and we've developed a comfort in just being ourselves, even if we're not always approaching it the same way (e.g., he wears a ring on his right hand, after wearing mine on my right hand for a bit, I haven't worn mine in a while, because I was self-conscious about it & feared losing it if I was always taking it on and off).

We travel a fair amount. Since transitioning to being a visibly gay couple, we are WAY more deliberate in choosing "gay friendly" destinations or options. We err on the side of caution in general in public, though. That said: we don't really have to lie or anything. We are both masculine and don't "seem" gay to anyone, to the point where someone asked our connection at a sporting event we were attending & didn't BELIEVE we were "together." [I think he thought we were brothers and hiding it for some reason - I have no idea.] It's just that if we WANT to go the beach together or hang out and *relax,* we'll be more comfortable in a place where there are plenty of gays.

Otherwise,  I do fear physical violence or bashing more than I used to. Someone who was going to target a woman as a victim was never going to pick ME. As a guy, though, I may seem an easier target. I look younger than I am. I am smaller than the average dude. I do have some sport-oriented fighting skills and carry myself with confidence that doesn't project target, but I still worry occasionally that I don't LOOK big or tough enough, genetically. I know guys who are BIG and teddy bears, but other people don't know that about them, and it's easier for them to just avoid being targeted. While I intend to improve my fitness and do some cross-over street fighting practice/training, I think that is really more for my attitude and confidence. Vigilance, good judgment and confidence are just going to have to prevail, since getting bashed isn't usually a fair one on one fight anyway.

Sean, that last bit is what scared me the most initially. Binghamton's got a lot of LGBT people floating around it, but there's also a lot of hateful morons around here too. The only serious gaybashing I've heard of in this area goes on in the high schools, though. Apparently I've got a massive intimidation factor though, so I don't worry too terribly much. I'm still cautious, because I'm a paranoid freak, but I've been in enough fights in my life to usually be able to tell when someone's all talk or serious.

Once before people thought I was a lesbian. 

I'm also not visibly gay.  Actually, before I was on T, I was read more as gay than I do on T.  Something about my feminine appearance led others to (correctly) assume that I was gay.

So far I haven't been openly discriminated against because of my sexuality.  Perhaps it is because no one can tell.  If I were more visibly gay, I might run into more trouble.  I'm not sure.  I'm mostly unprepared for questions about a girlfriend or future wife.  I was never asked that before transitioning, so now I'm not sure how to answer.  If I do say that I'm gay, I face possible discrimination.  If I don't say anything at all...It's difficult for me to decide whether it's worth it especially if there is a chance I will never see that person again.

To your question on "walking into a new closet": why do that at all?  Unless my life was in danger, why go into the closet?  I never deny being gay when asked directly.  I don't hide the fact that I'm only attracted to men.  Do I comment on hot guys in public, talk about the guy I'm currently talking to, or exhibit stereotypical gay behavior?  No, because that's not who I am; I'm a private person by nature.  It's not because I'm in a new closet.

Quote from: Wraith on May 20, 2011, 10:59:02 PM
How was that for you? Did you have to adjust to it in some way?
Have you gotten into any situations you just weren't prepared for or didn't expect?
Was it different than what you thought it would be or was there nothing new?
Have you had to learn how to hide it, walking into a new closet?

first off, I made a blog post about this exact thing that you may want to check out.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,93045.0.html


it was different then I thought it would be.  before T I didnt pass, maybe once in a while I did. So It has been very odd to go from being a straight "girl"  to a gay man.  Before, I could check out guys as blatantly as I wanted, but now I find myself holding back and trying to not be too obvious.   I see a guy shirtless and I have to sneak a peek, but I remind myself, "hey, if he catches you, he may beat you up, or harass you" so I do have to watch myself a bit.

I would say that it is kinda like going back into another closet, I have to be careful around some people, I determine which situations are safe to disclose, and which aren't.  I don't hide my gay tenancies, but I dont go blurting out my gayness to everyone.

its been weird to not be able to do PDA.  I mean, no i'm not gonna dry hump someone in public, but it would be nice to hold my boyfriends hand while walking, or a kiss on the cheek, just like straight people do.  that has been a little hard to get used to, because I find myself doing it, and then remembering.. 'oh, I shouldn't be so obvious'

also, being seen as gay now kinda has put a giant black hole in my lifes timeline, let me explain.  i was at a cookout last night, stealth, only my friend and her mom knew about me being trans.  I met a lesbian there, and I asked her how her gaydar was.  (I was seeing if she could spot me lol) and when I looked away, she gestured to me to my friend, telling her that she knew I was gay lol.  Later, she came to me and said we should bond, and she asked me 'whats your story?'  I was at a blank for what to say.  My parents always expected me to like men, you know?  So being gay was never a bad thing to them.


ive seen this post for a few days, and wanted to reply to it, but I knew I needed some time to write out a good response to it.

**pokes her nose into the boys room**
I went through a process when it dawned on me that I was sarting too look like a lesbian.
At first I was very nervous and unconsously avoided any PDA with Sevan.
When I realised that I was avoiding PDA from lesbian shame I was floored and rather ashamed.
My mother is an out and proud lesbian. She hasn't hid her sexual orientation since the early 1980's. Too hide being a lesbian was basicaly spiting into the face of everything my mothers generation did to pave the way for me.
It took me some time to adjust. I started making a point of not hiding that Sev' and I are togather. I don't avoid holding hands and the occasional kiss in public.
Now I do try to keep my head about me. I am not dumb enough to go holding hands and kissing Sevan in bigot territory. If you are not straight it is wise to know your suroundings. If you are in hostile territory I would sugest that you suck it up and play it safe. Getting your head bashed in to make a statement is not conducive to ones survival.

my ex(?) is in pure disbelief that i want to change and even though i'm loosley bisexual, i guess i never consitered myself as a gay male...i think it just hit me why my ex (?) was so creeped out....hmm...i love pda myself and dont give a crap who sees me making out with my significant other.i'm very open and love it when my freinds refer to me as he or him....i dont know...i guess i'm alittle bummed out....stupid straight boys. *crawls into closet to hide*

I do the same thing as Cynthia, more or less. I've never been one of those dry-humping-in-public people, I barely like to talk in public (also obsessively private here) but I like being able to hold someone's hand, or rest my head on their shoulder on the bus and things like that. So, I do with Ben, and I did with Julie back when I was still trying to be a girl. I agree there's definitely got to be an element of knowing your surroundings, because I'm pretty sure that sans guns and massively disproportionate odds, me and Ben could deal with most fights. Doesn't stop me from being paranoid though, which is weird.

904, some people just hate any kind of PDA. The most Julie would *ever* let me do was to hold her hand or lean on her. In the whole seven years of us dating, I think we kissed in public maybe twice.

This is actually something I'm really quite worried about.  Since I'm attracted to men and that's what's expected (viewed as straight), I've never been a part of the gay community.  I'm afraid of having to hide it, or not knowing when it's safe or not.  It's not something I've ever had to consider before, and now that I do it worries me.